


Always Remember Me

by wannaliveindeansdimples



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexuality, Childhood Sweethearts, Dream Sex, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Frottage, Humor, Lost Love, M/M, Masturbation in Shower, Mutual Pining, Pegging, Photographer Castiel, Pining, Second Chances, Sexual Humor, Sexual Tension, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Slow Burn, Wet Dream, oh-so-very-much-pining, only in the dream, shop manager dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-20
Updated: 2015-10-20
Packaged: 2018-04-27 07:35:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 68,703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5039554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wannaliveindeansdimples/pseuds/wannaliveindeansdimples
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ten years ago, Dean and Cas were high school sweethearts, with a love just like the movies. Real life threw a wrench in their plans of happily ever after, though, and they had to break up. Now they meet again, finally both in good places in their lives - but Cas is with Balthazar and Dean is with Lisa. Can they finally find a way to be friends after all these years? Or maybe fate has something else planned.</p><p>VERY loosely based on <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHU9MasmZ_I">Never Forget You</a> by the Noisettes</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first (and probably last) DCBB! This fic has been in the works for a long time and is very near and dear to me. Those who know my work know I love a good "meeting up again after a long absence" reunion love story more than anything, and this one came to me half-formed one day when I heard that song. I forgot it until I heard the song again and then I had to write it.
> 
> Many thanks for the artwork (and massive amounts of encouragement and early betaing) to [Mahbbys](http://http://mahbbys.tumblr.com/).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Cas,” Dean sobbed into the phone. “Cas, I can’t go with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A mere week ago, this chapter was dry exposition. Bless my beta's little soul.

_Summer 2003_

Dean was sixteen and had just started his first job as a lifeguard. That was all well and good until it wasn’t.

The day things changed was the day his friend Benny came out to the pool to go swimming, since he knew Dean could get him in for free. Benny brought along his cousin, a football player from two towns over. Dean got them both in without the cover charge.

Things started to go down hill when Benny’s cousin—Dean thought his name was Cliff, but he wasn’t really sure—took off his shirt and shorts. Suddenly, Cliff-or-whatever was standing there in nothing but a Speedo.

For the first time he could remember, Dean felt the same way looking at a guy that he felt looking at a girl. He was terrified and confused and so he did the only logical thing he could think of. He faked getting sick and went home to talk to the smartest person he knew.

“Sammy, you know I like girls, right?”

Annoying little brother that he was—genius or not—Sammy snorted. “Duh, Dean, you’re kind gross about it. Why?”

“Do you think it’s possible to suddenly turn gay?”

All the teasing left Sammy’s face and Dean felt himself relax just a little.

“Dean, do you... like a boy?”

With his face flushed hot, Dean hurriedly explained what had happened at the pool. Sam just nodded through the whole thing, no judgment at all. He really was the best little brother, annoying as hell or not.

“Okay, don’t freak out, but... I think you might be bisexual.”

“That’s really a thing?” Dean asked in surprise. “I mean, on _Sex and the City_ , they said—”

“Dude, the fact that you watch that show should have told you that you were at least a little bit gay, come on.”

Yeah, definitely still annoying.

“But, yes, Dean, bisexuality is really a thing.”

_September 19, 2003_

Dean was doing some last minute studying for his history test, lost in thought, when a deep, masculine voice broke his reverie to ask, “Excuse me, is this seat taken?”

Dean started a little and looked up, into eyes that were a billion shades of blue all at once.

Dean had more or less put the situation with being bisexual out of his mind, since Cliff-or-whatever had been the only guy so far to make him feel that way. That fact had just changed with the entrance of DeepVoice McBlueEyes.

“Um. Nope.” He swallowed thickly, around the strange emotions suddenly swirling inside him. “I’m Dean. You new?”

The boy smiled. “First day.” He held out a hand with long, graceful fingers. “I’m Castiel, but everyone calls me Cas.”

Dean smiled back and they shook hands. “Hey, Cas. Have a seat.”

And if Dean held onto Cas’s hand just a fraction of a moment too long, well, Cas didn’t seem to mind.

_September 2003 - July 2005_

Over the next several weeks, Dean and Cas became inseparable and they stayed that way for the next two years. They started out as friends, but it quickly evolved into more than that.

“Dean,” Cas said one night when they were about to share a bed for their first sleepover. “There’s something you should know.”

“Hey, man, you can tell me anything, you know that.”

Cas looked more worried than he had about anything since Dean had known him. Of course, he’d only known him about two months, but those two months had been intense.

“I’m gay,” Cas blurted, looking on the verge of tears as he waited for Dean’s response.

“Oh, thank God!” Dean said without thinking.

Cas looked adorably confused. “What?”

“Um, I’m bi,” Dean said, rubbing his neck with a sheepish grin. “And I’m kinda into you.”

They quickly turned into the kind of couple they write movies about. Every moment between them felt like pure joy distilled. Where they had previously raced each other through fields to wrestle at their destination, now they ran through the fields holding hands, to collapse on the grass with their heads together until one took the other in a kiss.

Kissing—which had begun at that very first sleepover—didn’t take long to evolve into making love. From there, there was no holding back the unbridled passion they felt for each other. They were young and in love and happier than they had ever been or expected to be.

By the end of 2004, they had the future planned already. They would go to the same college when they left high school. Get their degrees and their jobs and live happily ever after. There was nothing at all to stop them in their quest to be together forever.

Until suddenly there was.

Only weeks before they were to leave, Dean’s father was in a car accident that left him partially paralyzed. The other driver had been uninsured and John had only had liability on his car. With their mother having to provide full time care for the foreseeable future and no one else to work to pay the bills or care for Sammy, that left the role of primary breadwinner to Dean.

“Cas,” Dean sobbed into the phone. “Cas, I can’t go with you.”

“Dean, what’s happened? What are you talking about?”

“My dad... Since he can’t walk. Mom’s going to have to stay home and take care of him. I can’t... I can’t go to college with you.”

They talked it over for hours, until Dean finally fell into an exhausted sleep. By the time the call ended, nothing had changed.

Cas had been ready to transfer to the local university, so that they could still be close, even though Dean told him he didn’t want Cas to give up his dreams for him. Cas’s family made the decision for him, however. They’d never approved of the relationship between them and now that Dean was unable to go to college, they told Cas if he didn’t go where he’d planned, they wouldn’t pay for his education.

 

_Fall 2005_

The two of them tried long distance for a while, but it was never right and they knew it. The differences between them were growing and they’d started fighting more often than not. They were not the infrequent spats of two people who cared but occasionally got tired or irritable. They were the arguments between two people who wanted desperately to hang on but knew it probably wasn’t good for the other one if they did.

The financial burden that had been placed on Dean’s shoulders was making him bitter. Listening to Cas talk about all the things he was experiencing at the college where they’d both been meant to be together made Dean burn with jealousy. Cas, sensing how Dean was withdrawing from him, felt guilt over getting to live out their dream alone and lashed out at Dean to push him further away.

 

_December 2005_

Eventually, they got together for winter break and they both knew it was time to stop, before they destroyed each other. The love was still there, in spades, and they could both feel it, beneath everything. They could also both feel it wasn’t enough to overcome the miles—both literal and figurative—that were between them.

They made love once more and parted tearfully, but as friends.

“Cas, promise me,” Dean said as they held each other one last time. “Always remember me.”

“My sweet joy,” Cas whispered brokenly, kissing his face. “Always.”

 

December 2008

It would be years before they saw each other again, but they never managed to avoid each other entirely, even though they lived in different states.

The first time, Dean was on a date with his girlfriend Cassie, standing in line outside a restaurant, when Cas showed up with his boyfriend Inias. The boys were both twenty-one now and desperate to show the other how blissfully happy they were in their current relationship.

“Hey, Cas!” Dean slid his arm around Cassie’s waist as he said it, pulling her close to him. “This is my girlfriend, Cassie.” He looked deeply into her eyes to show just how in love they were—even though he was really wishing her eyes were blue and she was Cas and Inias was dead.

He kept up that behavior for the rest of the night, playing up his feelings for Cassie and treating her like she hung the moon. It was, he knew, unlike how he had once treated Cas for real, but he tried to shove that to the back of his mind.

Cas, for his part, was no better. He treated Inias much the same way, petting and giving longing looks and generally acting completely the opposite from how he normally was on their dates.

The end result of the evening was that Dean and Cas remained apart, Cassie realized how Dean would be acting if they were really in love and dumped him the very next day, and Inias, being more naïve, thought he’d finally gotten through to Cas and they held out for another six months before Cas couldn’t take it anymore.

 

_June 2010_

When they met up again eighteen months later, Dean was in a not-relationship with Benny and Cas was on a first date.

Now that they were both older and more mature, they scrapped the “Oh, look how happy I am with someone else” acts and just tried to be nice to each other. Dean invited Cas and his date to join them. They got to talking about Cas’s classes and Dean’s job and had a much better time than their previous reunion.

They were having such a good time in fact, that they ended up talking to each other more than their dates—and their dates left with each other. They both went home alone. This time when they said their goodbyes, they promised to call, but neither did, both too afraid to risk their hearts again.

 

_April 2011_

It was only eight months after that when they saw each other again, at yet another bar. Dean had just gone through a bad break up and Cas was home for his father’s funeral. They ended up having frantic sex in Dean’s new apartment. It lacked all the sweetness they used to share because they both kept themselves locked up tight, too afraid to feel. Still, the level of attraction between them had only grown, so the sex was more satisfying than either had had in a long time.

When Dean woke up, Cas was gone and there was a note on the pillow that just said, “I’m sorry.” Dean cried harder over that than the breakup that had led to it. Cas numbed his own memories in alcohol and grueling family functions. They started exchanging Christmas and birthday cards after that. Both of them wanting to say something to the other, but neither able to make it be more than “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Birthday.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the immortal words of LL Cool J, I need love (aka comments and kudos are what I breathe instead of air). ♥  
> [My author blog.](http://jamiedeanwrites.tumblr.com)  
> [My fandom blog.](http://iwannaliveindeansdimples.tumblr.com)  
> [My fics.](http://archiveofourown.org/users/wannaliveindeansdimples/profile)  
> My love ♥♥♥


	2. Chapter 2

_Fall 2015_

Despite the cards, they didn’t see each other again for four years. Cas had graduated and, finally out from under his family’s thumb, had opened his own photography studio. Dean had been able to take night classes in business in the intervening years and had managed to buy out Bobby Singer’s shop when Bobby retired, so now he ran the place instead of having to fix cars.

He was expanding the restoration part of the business, getting more classic cars in for overhauling, since he knew that’s where the real money was. They’d just booked a huge client, the biggest project for restoration that they’d managed to get so far and he’d taken his fiancée Lisa out to celebrate.

He was lifting champagne to his mouth, laughing, when his gaze caught on blue eyes in the doorway. He set his glass back down on the table quickly and stood up, smiling. When Cas smiled back, his face equally unguarded, for just that single second, Dean was 16 again and watching the boy he loved walk toward him.

Then the moment passed and he was smiling at Lisa and introducing her to his “old friend” Cas and his new boyfriend –

“- Balthazar. Charmed, my dear. And, Dean was it? Pleasure. Oh, but it looks like you two were celebrating. Don’t let us interrupt,” the British man said, starting to pull Cas away by the hand.

“Go ahead to our table, Bal. I’ll be right there,” Cas said, pulling Dean in for a hug. “It’s good to see you, Dean. Congratulations on your engagement,” he told them both as he pulled back.

“Yeah, man, it’s not new or anything, but thanks. It’s good seeing you, too. How long are you in town for? We should get together, catch up,” Dean offered, actually meaning it.

“Oh, I actually moved back,” Cas said. “Well, I live in the city, but you know what I mean. I’d like that, though. Catching up.” He pulled out his phone and fiddled with it before handing it to Dean. “Put your number in,” he told him.

The phone was already on the contacts screen and Dean punched in the numbers. Then he saved it and called his own phone. “Sweet, now I’ve got your number, too. I’ll call you later this week, maybe? Or you can call me.”

He pulled Cas into another quick embrace. “Really, really good to see you, Cas,” he said as they let go and Cas walked away with a wave.

“So who’s that?” Lisa asked as Dean sat down and she went back to her meal. “I don’t remember you mentioning a Cas before.”

“Really?” he asked, even though he knew he’d never mentioned Cas to anyone he’d dated. “We were best friends in high school,” he partially lied. “Kinda drifted apart once he went to college. I think I told you I was supposed to go, right?”

“Yeah, but your dad got hurt?” she confirmed.

“Right, well, Cas and I were planning to go together, but when he got to go and I didn’t, it kinda…strained things between us for a long time.”

He finished his champagne, wishing it was a beer. He wondered why that still bothered him, when the rest of it he was long over. He supposed because the rest of it had been resolved. Dad had found a way to enjoy life in a wheelchair or on crutches. Dean had eventually been able to get an education and see some of the world. He was financially stable and Sam was on a full ride at Stanford.

But he and Cas had never gotten a chance to talk it out. They never turned into the friends they swore they’d stay when they split up. They hadn’t kept in touch because it hurt too much. They just went their separate ways and every subsequent interaction was either painful or awkward or both. At least, until tonight. Tonight had been different. Dean hoped that maybe they could finally be friends.

“…seems nice,” Dean realized Lisa was saying. “Cute, too, if you like tall blonds,” she said with a wink.

“Balthazar? Yeah, I guess. I kinda prefer brunettes, myself,” he told her with a smile, reaching across to take her hand.

“Good thing, too,” she said, then glanced in the direction the other men had walked. “Although, maybe not so good. That Cas was kinda hot,” she admitted with a laugh.

“Yeah, he’s not bad, I guess,” Dean pretended to concede as the waiter refilled his glass.

“Not _bad_? I’m seriously questioning whether you’re actually bisexual,” she teased. “I mean, you really never tried to hit that when you two were friends?”

Dean nearly choked on the sip of fresh champagne he’d been taking, partly in surprise and partly from laughing. “Um, he looks a lot different now?” he hedged. Then he felt guilty. He had his reasons for keeping the romantic part of the relationship private, but if he was going to marry Lisa, she deserved to know that he and Cas had had sex. “Actually, um…well, we did, uh, hook up.”

“Ooh, the plot thickens!” There was a mischievous twinkle in her eye. “Was he good?” she asked, leaning over to try to get a glimpse of Cas again. “I bet he was good.”

Dean laughed out loud. “That’s it, you’re cut off,” he joked.

“What? You should be totally psyched not to have a jealous fiancée, you know.”

“I could say the same to you. You’re the one practically drooling over the guy, you know,” he reminded her. He did feel a brief twinge of jealousy, but it wasn’t in the direction it should have been, so he ignored it.

* * *

 

Cas knew he should have expected it, but seeing Dean was still a shock. A happy one, for once, since he was with Balthazar and doing well. He felt himself pulled forward as if on wheels and before he knew it, he was introducing Bal to Dean and his fiancée. _Fiancée_! That was a new development. Not that he was very surprised. Dean had always wanted a family.

Then he and Bal were walking away and Cas had Dean’s phone number in his pocket. That was _definitely_ new. Maybe they could be friends for real now. That would be really nice.

“Darling, are you all right?” Bal asked, not looking up from the wine list.

“Of course. Just thinking, that’s all,” Cas assured him.

“About that very attractive green-eyed fellow back there?” Balthazar asked, just a hint of annoyance in his voice.

“About how awful it was being 18 and under my family’s thumb,” Cas corrected.

Bal looked up from his reading at that and gave Cas a sympathetic head tilt. He reached out and took one of Cas’s hands. “I’m sorry, my darling. I didn’t realize that was _him_.”

He and Balthazar had become friends several years ago and lovers only more recently. He had told Bal many things he didn’t normally tell the men he dated. It suddenly made him uncomfortable that Balthazar knew about Dean.

“It’s fine, Bal. I’ve been over it for quite some time now,” he said, picking up his own menu and looking it over.

“Liar,” Balthazar said with a sympathetic smile. He squeezed Cas’s hand and then withdrew his own. “It’s all right. You never forget a first love, do you? That’s what they say, anyway. I’ll let you know when I’ve had one,” he said with a wink and a cheeky grin.

“You ass,” Cas said with a laugh.

“I was rather under the impression that my ass was one of the things you enjoyed most about me,” Bal said, his focus once again on the menu.

Cas just shook his head, smiling. For the moment, though, he’d put Dean out of his mind and that was the important thing.

* * *

Cas was elbows-deep in the dark room when he heard his phone ring. He didn’t often use film, anymore, but he liked to occasionally, if only to stay in practice. It gave him more of a sense of accomplishment to achieve effects with his own skills than by clicking buttons. Most of the time, he took the shortcuts and saved the time, but sometimes, he needed to work with his hands and make something just that bit more beautiful.

He hung pictures of the young couple who’d hired him for their engagement photos. As he looked at them, all wrapped up in each other, he couldn’t help but be reminded of how he and Dean were at that age. He smiled to himself in the semi-darkness, remembering.

 

_“Come on, Cas, this camera’s got a timer,” Dean said, then grabbed him from behind and dragged him away from the camera and closer to the couch._

_“So?” Cas asked, frowning slightly._

_“Soooo…” Dean said into his ear, nipping at it afterward. It made Cas smile and then there was a beeping sound. “Look at the lens and smile like you’re happy.”_

_Cas smiled, not for the camera, but for Dean, and was met by a blinding flash. Once the picture was done, he turned in Dean’s arms. “I am, you know,” he said._

_“You are what?” Dean asked, clearly distracted by the desire to go look at the picture._

_“Happy,” Cas said. Dean’s eyes were instantly back on his and he smiled back down at Cas so brightly it almost hurt to see it._

_“Me, too,” Dean said. Then he kissed Cas until Mary called to tell them it was time for dinner._

Cas shook himself from his reverie. He wondered where that picture had ended up. He still thought it was the best one of him ever taken. Dean hadn’t even been looking at the camera. His eyes had been on Cas, but they both had perfect smiles. Cas had had to put it away back then because he was tired of crying over it. He rather wanted to see it again now, though.

When he stepped out of the darkroom a little while later, he finally took the time to check his phone. He had a voicemail from Dean. Curious, he pressed play and put the phone to his ear, feeling warm at hearing the familiar voice sounding happier than he’d heard it in years.

“Hey, Cas. It’s Dean. Listen, Lisa and I were wondering if you and Balthazar wanted to get together some time this week for dinner. If you’re busy, that’s cool, just let me know, ok?”

Cas chewed his lip, debating whether to check with Balthazar before calling Dean back. Normally, he wouldn’t, since Balthazar was always up for going out, but he thought this was different. Instead of dialing Dean, then, he called Balthazar.

“Hello, my darling, how are you? I wasn’t expecting to hear from you tonight, since you’ve got that project.”

“No, I know,” Cas said, taking a seat on the sofa. “Well, I finished actually, but I’m calling because Dean and Lisa have invited us to dinner sometime this week.”

“Cassie, do I ever turn down dinner invitations? Not even with that dreadful brother of yours,” Bal said. Cas could hear the amusement in his voice.

“All right, I just wanted to make sure. What day is good for you, then?”

“I believe I’m free all week. All those idiotic work functions don’t start until next Monday.”

“Okay, I’ll work it out with them, then. I’ll see you tomorrow, either way, right?”

“Of course, darling. Goodbye.”

As soon as he’d hung up, Cas took a deep breath and brought up Dean’s number. He waited until he let it out to press ‘send’ and actually call. As the third ring sounded, he had a moment to hope for voicemail, but then Dean was picking up and sounding pleased.

“Hey, Cas! Did you get my message? I know a lot of people don’t actually listen to them anymore.”

“I did, Dean. I’ve called to accept. Balthazar and I are free any day that works for you and Lisa,” Cas said, as if it were the most normal thing in the world to make dinner plans with his first love and his first love’s fiancée, after years of not speaking at all.

“Yeah? Great, man, that’s awesome. I’ll tell Lisa when she gets back.” There was a moment of awkward silence and then Dean sighed. “Cas, I hope we can actually be friends now.”

Cas felt tension leave him in a rush, and he felt limp. “So do I, Dean. I’ve always regretted not being able to maintain contact.”

Dean laughed at that. “Is that why you started sending me Christmas cards out of the blue?”

Cas smiled. “I bought the first one thinking I’d write some sort of apology for leaving the way I did,” he said. “Then I thought better of it, but I decided to send the card anyway, to let you know…I don’t know,” he said on a sigh.

“That you thought about me sometimes and it wasn’t always bad thoughts?” Dean ventured.

Cas chuckled. “You know, Dean? Maybe exactly that.”

“Just so you know, I took the card as an apology, anyway. It made me feel better.”

“Good. I regret –“ Cas started to say.

“Don’t,” Dean said. “It doesn’t matter now, right? Let’s forget it and be friends, finally, whaddya say, Cas?”

“Yes. Let’s do that,” Cas agreed.

“All right, well, I think that’s Lisa I hear coming in, so I’m gonna let you go –“

“Does she know? About…us?” Cas asked before he could second guess himself.

There was shuffling and Dean started talking very close to the phone in a quiet voice. “She knows we were friends and that we hooked up, but that’s it. What about, uh, Balthazar?” Dean asked, voice getting louder.

“He knows more than that, but not the full story.”

“Okay, so we won’t talk about it, if that’s cool?” Dean asked.

“I’d rather not discuss it in front of anyone, even if they did know,” Cas said.

“Oh, hey, Lis,” Dean said away from the phone. “Cas and Balthazar said they’d love to.” Cas heard Lisa speak, but couldn’t make out her words. “Oh, right, I forgot. Is tomorrow okay for you two?” Dean asked into the phone.

“Tomorrow is fine,” Cas said. “Text me the details later? I’ve got another call coming in.” He didn’t, but he needed to get off the phone.

“Sure, Cas. See you tomorrow.”

Cas ended the call and slid down on the couch, groaning. He had hoped for an extra day or two to prepare himself. He also wanted to know why Dean hadn’t told Lisa. He wanted to know if Dean’s reasons for keeping it to himself were the same. There was so much he wanted to know and he wasn’t sure he really had a right to ask.

In the depths his mind, in spite of Lisa, in spite of Balthazar, Dean was still his and he was still Dean’s. It was stupid and he knew it. They hadn’t been together in almost a decade. They had no claim to each other. He didn’t even know Dean anymore, not really. It was a strange feeling and one he’d never experienced with another ex. Unfortunately, he was not unaccustomed to it where Dean was concerned.

Feeling angry with himself, he went upstairs to pick out an outfit for the dinner the following evening. _What_ , Cas wondered to himself, _did you wear to make nice with your first love and his new love?_

* * *

 

Dean was happy that Cas had called back and agreed to the double date. It had actually been his idea rather than his and Lisa’s, but Cas didn’t need to know that. He thought it might be easier getting to know Cas again with other people around. That way their history was a lot less likely to come up.

It was Lisa’s turn to make dinner and as always he was amazed by her skill in the kitchen. Their dinner conversation was punctuated periodically by compliments from him whenever he’d taken a particularly good bite. She’d had a good day at work and she offered to give him a post-meal massage in the bedroom.

After the massage, Lisa surprised Dean with a request to peg him. It wasn’t something they did often, but he did occasionally get an itch only bottoming could scratch. What was unusual, though, was having it be Lisa’s idea. He knew she enjoyed it, but to have her initiate it was a pleasant surprise. In an embarrassingly short period of time, she made him come untouched. Afterward, went down on her till she screamed.

When he had his breath back, he said, “That was awesome.” He toyed with her fingers and her hand stroked his thigh. “I didn’t realize you liked it that much.”

“Mm,” she said, still a little dazed. “It’s good sometimes. Makes me feel…powerful?”

“Yeah, I get that.” He glanced at the clock. “Well, hey, it’s still early. You wanna watch a movie or something?”

“Maybe. You pick something, though. I’m kinda restless, so I might go read instead.”

They watched some action flick Dean had never heard of, but as predicted, Lisa got up not long after, kissing his forehead before she left the room. Dean himself fell asleep somewhere in the middle. He woke up later in the night just enough to see that Lisa was back in bed, but he was asleep again before he could look at the clock. The next morning, she was already downstairs by the time he woke up.

He was a little sad that they hadn’t cuddled, but it wasn’t a thing he’d ever say out loud, so he tamped it down as unimportant. He got up and hopped in the shower and his morning erection welcomed the warm soapy water. After the night’s activities, Dean’s mind wandered naturally to bottoming.

He closed his eyes and let his imagination go, conjuring up the feeling of a cock inside him and hands gripping his hips. The warm water was running over his backside, relaxing him enough so he was able to slip a finger inside. He couldn’t get the angle quite right in this position, but it helped the fantasy enough that he quickly spilled his release down into the swirling water.

When he was done, he winced as he withdrew his finger, realizing that he was a little sore from the night’s activities. Unbidden, a memory rose up in his mind, of how Cas used to massage his cheeks and rim after particularly enthusiastic sex. Sometimes, if they'd already showered after the sex, he’d even kiss Dean’s hole. And sometimes _that_ would end up as rimming and lead to a second go-round.

He was smiling a little at the memory as he dried off and got out. He’d really been so lucky to find Cas as his first. Of course, he’d also spoiled Dean so other people never quite measured up. Looking back, though, he was glad he’d had someone so attentive early on. Dean thought it had made him a better lover himself. And it was a nice memory to have.

When he got downstairs, Lisa was just finishing up putting together her lunch for the day. “Hey, sweetie, how are you?” she asked, looking up from her task to smile.

“Good. A little sore from last night, though,” he said with a chuckle as he kissed her cheek.

“Aw, do you want me to kiss it and make it better?” she asked in a deep baby voice as she puckered her lips comically.

He flashed back on the memory of Cas and felt a small prickle of irritation at Lisa. “You asked how I was and I told you,” he said stiffly, walking to the fridge.

“Sorry,” she said, in a voice that said she didn’t know what she’d done to be sorry for.

Deciding to change the subject, he asked, “Where do you want to go tonight for dinner?” He pulled his lunch from the fridge and put it into his bag.

“Oh, um, how about that little Mexican place I’ve been wanting to try?”

“Yep, sounds good. I’ll tell Cas.” He kissed her other cheek. “See you tonight,” he said, walking toward the door.

“Ok. Love you!” she called after him.

“You, too,” he said, popping his head back into the room to smile at her.

* * *

 

Cas was getting dressed when Balthazar texted to say he was going to be stuck at work longer than he’d thought. He wasn’t sure what time he’d be able to make it to dinner. Cas texted him the address he’d gotten from Dean and told Bal he’d see him whenever he could get away.

He stood in front of the mirror for longer than was strictly necessary. He supposed he looked good enough. The blue brought out his eyes and the slacks accentuated his ass in a flattering way, so he guessed that would have to do. He told himself he didn’t know why he cared, but he’d never been able to lie to himself very well.

In the bathroom, he tried to tame his hair, but whatever he did, it always ended up the same tousled mess. He supposed there was nothing for it. He’d had over two decades to get used to it. There was no use arguing with fate about it now.

When he pulled into the parking lot, it seemed familiar for some reason, even though the restaurant was not one he ever recalled visiting before. He frowned as he looked around at unfamiliar businesses and wondered why the lot seemed like one he’d been to. It was a question he couldn’t answer, so he shrugged and went inside.

He spotted Dean and Lisa right away, chatting together at a table by the wall. The inside of the restaurant felt more familiar than the exterior, but he couldn’t place it. Just then, Dean looked up and gave him a bright smile and a wave. Lisa smiled just as brightly and Cas felt himself relax.

“Hello, Dean, Lisa. I hope I’m not late?” he asked, taking a seat.

“Nah, we’re a little early, I think,” Dean said. Cas noted his arm wrapped behind Lisa on her chair and smiled a little. Dean had always done that.

“I’m afraid Bal is going to be a little later joining us, as he got caught up at work. He said to go ahead and order without him,” Cas said, settling more comfortably into his chair.

“Well, all right. That’s too bad. Have you eaten here before?” Dean asked, perusing the menu.

Cas frowned. “Honestly, I’m not sure. The parking lot seemed familiar, but I think I’d remember a name like _Cabelleros Verdes_. Still, the interior rings a bell, too.”

“Dean said the same thing!” Lisa said, setting her menu down. “This place has only been here about six months. It was empty for a long time before that.”

The waitress came then to take their drink orders. Everyone got a margarita, though Dean also got a beer to go with his. When she was gone, Lisa continued speaking.

“I think it used to be a Chinese place a long time ago? It shut down not long after I moved –“

“ _Fong’s_!” Cas and Dean said in unison, interrupting her.

“Dammit, how could I forget _Fong’s_? I practically lived in here that time our heat went out.” Dean had a hand to his forehead as he stared at the wall, where Cas now remembered there used to be a mural of a dragon instead of brightly colored cartoon cowboys.

“Oh, I’d forgotten about that! Mama Fong adopted you as her own. Wouldn’t even let you pay.” Cas looked around and pointed at a back corner. “The jukebox was over there.”

Dean looked at Lisa as he said, “They had all these Chinese versions of American music.” His laugh warmed Cas, who had missed it for so long. “They were terrible, but we loved the hell out of them.”

“But, wait. Wasn’t _Fong’s_ on 5 th street?” Cas asked, remembering. “We’re on Kirtchner, aren’t we?”

“They changed some of the street names a few years ago,” Lisa said.

“Man, it all looks so different now. I haven’t been on this side of town in years, though,” Dean admitted.

“Why did we have to stop coming here? I forget,” Cas said.

Dean laughed and looked slightly embarrassed. “Aw, man, it was Kevin’s fault. He broke it off with Mama Fong’s daughter and the idiot tried to bring another girl here.”

“Oh, that’s right! And Mama said you were known by the company you keep –“

“And told us not to come back until we made better friends,” Dean finished.

“Wow, I’m glad I picked this place!” Lisa said, grinning. “I had no idea the history you two had here. That’s great.” Their drinks arrived just as Lisa’s phone started to ring. “Hey, Shelly. Can I call you back, I’m – hey, slow down, Shel. What’s wrong?” Lisa held up a finger and got up, taking the call outside.

“ _Fong’s_ ,” Dean said, wonderingly.

“I can’t believe I forgot,” Cas said, with a glance to make sure Lisa was nowhere around. “This was the first place you ever kissed me in public.”

“Really?” Dean asked. Then his face lit up in recognition. “Oh, yeah! When you aced your Trig final and I managed to pass everything with a ‘C’ or better.” Dean pointed, ducking his head slightly to see. “We were right over there in that booth.”

Cas turned around and smiled. When he turned back he kept his eyes down, but the smile didn’t fade. He saw movement from the corner of his eye and noticed Lisa coming back in.

“Hey, sorry, guys. I’m gonna have to bail on dinner. Shelly’s really sick and needs me to come watch her kids. Her babysitter’s out of town and she just doesn’t have anyone else,” she said apologetically to Dean. “Cas, would you be able to give Dean a ride home so that I can take the car?”

“Of course. Or we can just postpone,” he offered, but she shook her head.

“No, please. Balthazar is coming and I'd hate for you two not to be able to catch up because I had to leave. Stay, please. Enjoy my margarita for me,” she said with a rueful smile.

Dean stood up and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek that Cas looked away from and then she was gone. Cas developed a sudden intense interest in the menu. There was absolutely no reason for tears to be pricking his eyes because Dean had kissed his fiancée. The fact that it was the same building where Dean had first publically kissed _him_ was irrelevant. That was years ago.

He took deep breaths through his nose, reading items of food until he was calm. When he glanced up, Dean was staring over his shoulder, lost in thought. Cas was going to ignore it, but Dean’s gaze slid to his and Dean gave him a half smile.

“You know, this is gonna sound stupid. Like, totally, _ridiculously_ stupid, ok?” he said. “But it…feels a little wrong that I kissed Lisa in here. This was our place and, I don’t know, it doesn’t feel right, even though she’s my fiancée and I haven’t seen you in years.” He laughed self-consciously. “I told you it was dumb.”

Hearing that Dean felt the same made Cas feel much better. _Stupid, indeed_. He smiled softly at Dean. “It’s not dumb, Dean. You’re an incredibly loyal person. Of course it would feel strange. And since you haven’t told Lisa about what we were to each other back then, I suspect those memories are as –“ he began, but was interrupted by the trill of his phone.

“Oh, it’s Bal, I should take it,” he said to Dean. “Hello?” he said into the phone.

“Hello, my darling. We got out sooner than expected. I’ll be there in just a few. Order me a margarita?”

“Of course. See you soon.” He hung up and pulled Lisa’s margarita over to Bal’s seat. “Bal is on his way,” he told Dean.

“Oh, good. I guess we can just wait to order, then.” Dean took a long pull off his beer. “And yeah, Cas. Those memories are…” _Precious. Sacred_ , Cas thought _._ “Special. So you’re right, I think. Kissing her here felt like I was, like, dishonoring the memories.”

“Mama Fong would not be impressed,” Cas said, trying to keep a straight face.

Dean caught on and did his best Mama Fong impression. “You bring your new girl here. Parade her around in front of the girl whose heart you broke. You dishonor yourself, Kevin. You dishonor me.”

Cas laughed and Dean looked delighted by that fact. “You always were good with impressions,” Cas said. He looked back at the menu. “It’s really good to see you, Dean.”

“Yeah, Cas. You, too. Oh, I think your man is here,” Dean said, glancing up at the window.

Bal came through the door and strode over like he owned the place. He grasped Dean’s hand firmly and then took a seat. “Ooh, this looks delicious,” he said, eyeing the margarita. He took a large sip. “Have you ordered already?”

“No, we decided to wait for you,” Cas said. “Lisa had to leave, unfortunately.”

“Oh, good, less awkward then,” he said with a smile. “Too bad I missed Lisa, though.” He flipped his napkin into his lap with a flourish. “So Dean, tell me about yourself while I read the menu. Cassie says you run a business, but I can’t remember what kind.”

“Don’t take it personally, Dean. He can’t remember anything that isn’t related to booze or sex,” Cas teased.

“Darling, I would be very angry with you if that weren’t true,” Bal said, then turned a smile on Dean.

The waitress came back then and took down their orders.

Dean said, “I run an auto shop. We’re transitioning into restorations, now, which is pretty great. That’s actually what Lisa and I were celebrating the other night when we ran into you two.”

“That sounds much more exciting than what I do. I love cars, you know. I drive a restored Astin-Martin, actually. Cassie hates it. Says it’s too small,” Balthazar teased.

“I never said I hated it. It’s true, but I never said it,” Cas said with a wink at Dean.

“Well, I can’t take anymore of these insults against my beautiful automobile. Let’s change the subject. What were you two talking about when I arrived, eh?”

Dean, Cas noted, looked slightly guilty, but he doubted Bal would be able to spot it. “Just old times,” Cas said, sparing Dean the trouble. “This used to be a Chinese restaurant and we came here a lot in high school.”

“On dates, then?” Bal said bluntly, mild curiosity the only emotion visible on his face.

Dean blanched, but recovered quickly. “Nah, just hangouts, mostly. With our friends and my brother.”

“How is Sam?” Cas asked.

“He’s great!” Dean said, face brightening. “He’s got a couple more years of law school and then he’s got a job lined up at the DA’s office.”

“That’s wonderful,” Bal said.

“That’s great news, Dean. I know you must be very proud,” Cas said. “And your parents? How are they?”

“Mom’s great. She got her nursing degree, so she works at the hospital downtown. Dad’s able to use crutches most of the time now, so he can pretty much fend for himself. He works a desk for an insurance agency.” Dean downed the rest of his beer. “They, uh, they split up, though.” He didn’t elaborate.

“Oh, Dean, I’m so sorry! What happened?” he asked, then held up a hand. “Never mind. It’s not my business. If you don’t want to talk about it, I understand.”

Dean started to speak, but the waitress came back with their food. Conversation stopped as they concentrated on their meals. By the time one of them spoke again, the subject had been dropped.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean shrugged. “We were kids, Cas. We did the best we could. I hated that time of my life, but it got me where I am. I don’t regret it.”
> 
> “No,” Cas agreed. “I suppose that’s true.” He sipped his beer slowly. “If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather talk about something else now.” He smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I think that’s all the nostalgia I can take for the moment.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a good Dom should, I only hurt you to make you feel better.

Dean sat in Cas’s passenger seat while Cas said his good-byes to Balthazar. Dean was glad he seemed nice. Cas certainly deserved someone good in his life. Dean hadn’t liked any of the other men Cas had been with since they’d split up. Balthazar knocked and waved as he walked away and then Cas was getting into the car.

Dean smiled at Cas and got a smile back. “That was a lot of fun. I hate you two didn’t get to hang out with Lisa. Maybe we can do it again soon,” Dean said, hopefully.

“Well, I’m not sure if Bal will be able to make it for a while. He gets really busy during the holidays. I’d still like to get together, though, if that’s ok?” Cas asked as he backed out of the parking space.

“Of course, man. And hell, I mean, there’s nothing that says the significant others have to be there, really. Here go this way,” Dean said, pointing. He chewed his lip and stared at the neighborhood, trying to reconcile it with the area as he once knew it. “I just thought it would be less awkward, maybe, but I think we did ok when it was just us, right?”

Cas was smiling when Dean looked over. “Yes, I think we were fine by ourselves. Bal is not the jealous type, generally, so he won’t mind. Will Lisa?”

“Nah. I mean, I’ll ask her, but I’m sure she’ll be fine with it.” Dean laughed. “She was the one who was going on and on about how hot you were the other night.”

Cas let out a surprised “Ha!” and then waited for Dean to give him a direction again. “Well, if you’re sure she won’t mind, I think it would be nice to have dinner sometime. Or even just a drink.” Cas glanced his way before turning back to the road. “I’d like to hear all about what’s been going on with you.”

“Take a right, up there,” Dean said, pointing. “Yeah, I’d like to hear about you, too. Um, about my parents…” Dean began.

“Dean, you don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want to.”

“No, I know, but, I mean, you knew them. I feel like you’re entitled. Um, basically, after the accident, once he was well enough that he didn’t need mom taking care of him anymore, Dad started drinking.” Dean rubbed his hands on his thighs nervously. “It was right after you and I split up, actually.”

“Dean, you should’ve called me!” Cas said, emotions swirling on his face.

Dean laughed, a soft and bitter sound in the quiet car. “And said what? ‘Hey, I know we broke up and we still can’t be together, but everything else in my life sucks, too, so can I drag you down with me?’ No, thanks.”

“We were best friends!” he said, some heat entering his tone. “Dean, I would’ve been there for you, regardless of the break up,” Cas said earnestly. Then he seemed to deflate. “I looked for excuses to pick up the phone all the time, you know. I was always too scared, though. They all seemed too flimsy and I just couldn’t handle you rejecting me.” Cas shook his head and glanced at Dean again. “I wish I’d tried now. Maybe I could’ve been there for you.”

Dean felt like he’d been hit in the chest by a fastball. Tears stung his eyes, but he blinked them away. “I didn’t think I was ever going to stop missing you,” he said. “I couldn’t risk calling you. I wouldn’t have been able to let you go again and I knew I couldn’t keep you.”

Dean made himself remember that he was talking about the past and every bit of it was better now. He shook off the years old melancholy and forced himself to smile. “That was the worst point in my life, but right now is probably the happiest. Everything is good again. Hell, I’ve even got my friend back.” This time his smile was real.

Cas seemed to sense his mood shift and smiled back. “Good, Dean. I’m glad. I’m sorry about your parents, though.”

“Yeah, well. I mean, there’s more to the story, but that’s the basic crux of it. Dad started drinking too much and made a lot of bad choices, till mom had enough. Anyway, let’s leave all that in the past where it belongs. It’s been quite a few years now,” Dean said, then pointed out another turn.

“Fair enough,” Cas said. “So, how about you and Lisa? How long have you been together and engaged and everything?”

“Gosh, I guess it’s been a couple of years since we got together? I asked her to marry me last year sometime. We’re not really ready to set a date yet, but once the restoration thing takes off, that’ll get us one step closer to sealing the deal.”

In truth, Dean had been ready when he asked, but Lisa still wasn’t ready to set a date yet. She said she was waiting for the right time. Dean mentally shrugged it off. It would happen when it happened. She’d said yes, right?

“Lisa’s been great, man. I mean, she’s really helped me with a lot. And you don’t find a lot of women as accepting of male bisexuality as she is, either,” Dean said, with feeling. “But we’ve talked a lot about me already. What about you and Balthazar?”

“Bal and I met, gosh, three or four years ago, I suppose. We were friends for the first few, anyway. Then about six months ago we realized there was an attraction and, well, here we are.” Cas chuckled. “He’s been very good to me.”

“Yeah, he seems nice. I like him,” Dean said, then pointed. “Left up there.”

“I liked Lisa, as well. I hope her friend will be all right.”

Dean made a derisive noise. “Yeah, Shelly’s always got a crisis. She’ll be fine. She’s probably not even sick.”

“I take it you’re not a fan,” Cas said drily.

“No, she’s not my favorite,” Dean agreed with a laugh. “I mean, she’s nice enough. I just think she takes advantage of Lisa.”

“That’s unfortunate.”

“It is what it is, I guess. Lisa won’t hear a word against her. If I say anything, it just makes Lisa go into defensive mode, so I just keep my mouth shut. It’s not worth the argument. Hopefully one day, she’ll see it for herself.” Dean pointed again. “That’s my road, up there. Thanks for driving me home, man. You wanna come in for some coffee or something?”

Cas bit his lip. “I’d like to, but I’m supposed to go to Bal’s after I drop you off. Raincheck?”

“Sure, don’t sweat it. I’m glad we got to hang tonight, anyway. I mean it about doing it again. I hope you do, too,” Dean said sincerely.

“I do, Dean. Thank you for inviting me out tonight. I’m glad we can be friends again. It’s nice.” Cas’s face broke into a shocked smile. “This must be you here,” he said.

“Oh, yeah, I forgot Baby was outside,” Dean said, grinning. “Yep, this is me.”

“I can’t believe you still have her. She hasn’t aged a day,” Cas said.

“Yep, still got her. Lisa says she’s gotta go when we get married, though.”

“No! Really? Dean. I loved that car. I’ll buy her from you if that’s true,” Cas said seriously, surprising Dean.

“Seriously? I mean, Lisa’s got a point. If we’re gonna have kids, it’s not really safe to drive them around in. And the gas is…a lot,” Dean admitted with a laugh.

Cas shook his head. “Then it’s settled. You’ll sell her to me. She needs to go to someone who appreciates her.”

“I don’t know what to say, man. Uh. Yeah. All right. Deal.”

Cas nodded once, decisively. “Good.” Then he smiled. “Well, thank you again for tonight. I enjoyed it immensely. I will call you soon and we’ll get together again, ok?”

“Sounds good, Cas. Drive safe,” Dean said as he hopped out of the car. On his way up the drive, he petted Baby’s side. “Looks like you’ll be going to a good home, Sweetheart,” Dean whispered to his car, with no sense of shame.

He turned and watched Cas’s car disappear down the street, then looked back at Baby again. “You’re a lucky girl. He’ll take care of you, don’t you worry.” He knocked twice on her hood and walked inside.

* * *

 

Cas watched Dean in the rearview mirror as long as he could. He saw him run his hand along the car and Cas thought back to high school and how Dean had always done that when they got back to the car after going anywhere. The memory made him smile.

He sighed as he drove toward the city and Balthazar’s house. Bal had been right the other night. Cas wasn’t over it, not really. He wasn’t still in love with Dean, obviously. How could he be? He hadn’t seen him in years. There was a part of him, though, that he thought might always be in love with a part of Dean. The Dean that Cas had known in high school and freshman year of college.

He knew he’d never really lost the ghost of Dean from his life. He’d certainly never loved anyone else like that. Never even come close. It might not be the once-in-a-lifetime love that it felt like at the time, but it was definitely something special.

He thought again of the photograph of the two of them. He had a strong desire to see it again. He decided that when he got home from Bal’s, he’d look for it. He wondered if being friends with Dean would help him finally put all of their history to bed. Would he finally be able to let go and get over Dean?

As he turned onto Bal’s street, he sort of hoped Bal wouldn’t be in the mood for sex tonight. Cas just didn’t think he was up for it. It was always good, but Cas felt too wrung out emotionally. It had been a strange few days. Sex could take him out of his head sometimes, but not when he was sad. And he was sad tonight.

He pulled into the driveway and turned off the car. He took a deep breath and tried to shake off the sad feeling that had been with him since he’d dropped Dean off - and learned Lisa planned to sell the only car he’d ever had sex in. He slapped himself in the face a few times and got out of the car.

When Cas walked in, Bal was sitting on the couch with a tumbler of scotch. He had his socked feet up on the coffee table and crossed. Cas laughed and shook his head as he stepped over to sit beside him.

“Is it even possible for you not to look like a GQ ad?” Cas asked, amused.

“Well, obviously not,” Balthazar said, spreading his hands. Then he smiled. “So, how was your ride home with stud muffin, eh?”

Cas rolled his eyes. “Bal,” he said warningly. “I’m not in the mood to be teased about Dean, all right?”

“No,” Bal said, seriously. “I don’t suppose you are.” He gave Cas a searching look. Then he reached down and took  Cas’s hand. “Look, darling. I think you’re marvelous, I really do,” he said, kissing Cas’s fingers and palm. “And I had hoped that given time, you’d think me just as marvelous and we’d fall in love and buy a yacht for our golden years.”

Cas looked at him, frowning. “What are you saying?”

Bal sighed. “I’m saying that I have feelings for you, Cassie. Feelings which are not reciprocated. And as much as I enjoy our time together, as much as I would love to keep believing that one day you will feel the same for me…” Balthazar let go of Cas’s hand and finished the rest of his half full scotch. “I saw you with Dean tonight and I know that that is never going to happen.”

“Bal, what –“

Balthazar sighed. “Cassie, darling. We’re friends who have really good sex together. If I thought we were going to ever be more than that, I was wrong.” He took Cas’s hand again, which Cas allowed as he struggled to make sense of what was happening. “I’m not saying we can’t still be friends, but I think we need to stop sleeping together.”

“Bal, you know I care about you!” Cas said, trying to stop what was happening, even though he was pretty sure Bal was right.

“I know, my darling. I know you do. You ‘cared’ about me when we were friends. But we’ve been dating or whatever this is for six months. If you were going to fall in love with me, you would have.” Bal’s hand moved from Cas’s hand to his face and that was when Cas realized this was real. “Tell me I’m wrong, Cassie, and I’ll tell you to stay. But otherwise…I think you should go home.”

“I –“ Cas stopped and shook his head, eyes closed. Tears prickled behind his lids, but not because he was getting dumped. Only because he was hurting his friend. He opened his eyes and laid his hand over Balthazar’s. “I’m sorry, Bal.”

“Don’t be, Cassie. These past six months have been wonderful.” Bal dropped his hand and got up to get another drink. “If I hadn’t seen you with Dean tonight, I’d probably have given you another six months to try and love me. But I did see.”

“What did you even see, Bal? All we were doing was talking.”

Balthazar laughed and it was so genuine that Cas knew he would be okay in the end. “Oh, my darling, are you really so oblivious? You had stars in your eyes, looking at him. You’ve never looked at me with anything close to that level of, well, _softness_ in your face.” He took a long swallow of scotch. “And that’s how you look at him after years apart.” Bal shook his head. “No, darling, you deserve to have a chance at something real and so do I. And we never will if we keep on with this.”

Cas stood up, feeling dazed. Bal stood too and pulled him into a hug. Cas held on tightly and then stepped back quickly.

“Give me a week or so and I’ll be right as rain, Cassie, I promise.” He pressed a kiss to  Cas’s forehead and then stepped back. He sniffed and cleared his throat. “I’ll walk you out,” he said, but Cas put a hand out to stop him.

“No, it’s fine. I’ll see myself out. Here’s your key,” Cas said, fumbling with his ring.

“No, keep it. You’re still my best friend, Cas. I meant it. A week and then call me.”

Cas nodded and walked toward the door. When he got to the door, he paused when he opened it and turned to look back at Bal, but he had his back to Cas now, pouring another drink. Cas quietly walked outside and shut the door with a soft click. He sat in his car for several minutes, feeling numb before starting the car and driving home.

* * *

 

Dean was exhausted by the time the weekend rolled around. The new restoration part of the business was taking off, but it was keeping him plenty busy. He had worked late every night since the dinner with Cas and he was more than ready to go out and cut loose.

When he called to tell Lisa as much, though, she said, “Oh, Dean, I can’t tonight. I promised Shelly I’d babysit so she could go out. I’m sorry, baby. Rain check for tomorrow?”

He tried to keep the annoyance and disappointment out of his voice when he said, “Hey, no problem. Maybe I’ll see if Charlie’s free or something.”

“Yeah, do that, you haven’t seen her in ages. Or hey, you could always see if Cas is free, right?”

Dean was relieved at the suggestion. He hadn’t told Lisa that he and Charlie were kind of on the outs at the moment. He hadn’t thought of calling Cas because, well, ten years of conditioning was a long time. “You know what? I think I’ll do that. I mean, it’s Friday, so he and Balthazar might have a date night or whatever, but it won’t hurt to see.”

Lisa laughed. “Or maybe you’ll get lucky and they’re boring like us.”

“Heh, yeah, maybe. All right, well don’t let those kids wear you out too much. I love you.”

“You, too, babe. Talk to you later.”

Dean drove home before he called Cas. He was kicking off his shoes by the door as he dialed. It only took a couple of rings for Cas to pick up.

“Hello?” Cas answered, sounding slightly distracted.

“Uh, hey. Hey, Cas. It’s Dean. Is this a bad time?”

“Oh, hi, Dean,” Cas said, sounding relieved. “No, it’s fine. I was just trying to set up a difficult display. How are you?”

“Um, I’m good. Kinda stressed from the week, though, and I was thinking about grabbing a beer.” He scratched his head and walked toward the bedroom as he talked, so he could start grabbing clothes to change into after his shower. “I was wondering if you wanted to join me. I know it’s short notice, so if you and Balthazar have plans, it’s not a big deal.”

“I would like that, Dean. I have no other plans. How soon would you like to get together?” Cas asked, sounding pleased.

“Well, I’d like to get a shower first. Can you meet me at Ash’s in an hour?” Dean started undressing.

“I’m afraid I don’t know where that is. Is it downtown or closer to you?” Cas asked.

“Oh, sorry, it’s where the Roadhouse used to be. Ellen sold it to Ash a few years ago.,” Dean explained, stripping off his underwear and taking everything to the hamper. “Do you remember where that is?” He paused by the mirror to check out his reflection. He hadn’t looked at himself in a while, but he thought he was looking pretty good.

His distraction with his naked form meant he missed what Cas said, however. “…to Lexington?”

“Sorry, what? I missed that.” Even though Cas had no idea how Dean had missed his words, Dean still found himself blushing.

“Oh, I asked if I could get there by taking Stratton to Lexington.”

“Oh, um, yeah. That’ll take you right there,” Dean said, walking into the bathroom. “So see you in an hour?”

“I’ll be there,” Cas said.

So Dean took his shower and started getting ready. It wasn’t until he was halfway dressed he realized he’d been getting himself ready like this was a date. He certainly didn’t shave for Charlie or splash on cologne. He frowned in the mirror. He knew Cas probably wouldn’t notice the difference, but if Jody was working she would and she’d probably comment on it.

Still, it was a little late to do anything about it now, so he shrugged it off and finished getting dressed. Besides, he thought, it wasn’t like trying to look hot in front of exes wasn’t a thing people did. It was kind of expected, really.

For whatever reason, he was a lot more nervous tonight than he had been a few days before. He knew it was stupid. They’d spent time alone during the dinner and things had been fine, so why was he freaking out? He thought maybe the whole getting ready like it was a date thing threw him.

When he pulled up in Ash’s parking lot, he did his best to shake off his nerves. He was just meeting a friend for drinks, anyway. He’d lived without Cas in his life for a long time now. He had a beautiful fiancée and a good career. Literally nothing was hinging on the outcome of the evening. He shook his head at his ridiculous worrying and walked into the bar.

Cas was sitting in a corner booth watching the door and he smiled and waved when Dean walked in. Dean found himself smiling back and felt even more ludicrous for his anxiety. Dean signaled Ash on his way to the table, letting him know to send over two beers. Cas stood up when Dean got there and they shared a quick hug.

Dean noted that Cas was wearing cologne, too. It made him feel better, for some reason.

“So how’s it going, man? Any cool clients in the photography racket this week?” Dean asked with a grin.

Ash showed up at the table then with their beers. “Hey there, Dean-o! Long time no see, man. How’s things? That pretty lady of yours keeping you away from us?”

“Nah, man, just been busy with work. How’ve you been?” Dean asked.

“Can’t complain, can’t complain,” Ash said.

“Well, hey, I don’t know if you remember Cas from high school?” Dean said by way of introduction.

“Yeah! Hey, dude, how’s it hanging? Thought you left us for the big time. You visiting?”

“Hello, Ash. It’s good to see you. I moved back here to be closer to my…boyfriend,” Cas said. Dean noticed the pause, but he didn’t want to question Cas on it in front of Ash.

“Cool. Glad to have you back with us. Don’t be a stranger, either one of you,” Ash said, walking away to greet new customers.

“Hey, you weren’t worried about Ash knowing you had a boyfriend, were ya?” Dean asked when Ash was out of earshot.

“What?” Cas asked in genuine confusion. “Of course not. He knew us when we were together.”

“Ok. Well, I didn’t think you would be, but…well, I noticed you paused before boyfriend.” Then Dean had a realization. “Things still new between you two?”

Cas smiled and looked relieved. “Something like that. Bal and I have been friends for a long time, like I said before.”

“Yeah, that makes sense. Guess I’ve been with Lisa so long I’m rusty on what it’s like being in a new thing,” Dean said with a smile. He tipped up his beer and looked around. “Does it look like you remember it? Aside from the bar, obviously.”

Cas looked over the restaurant-turned-bar and slowly nodded. “Except for the bar, I don’t think much about it has changed. I always liked it here.”

“Yeah.” Then Dean remembered his earlier question. “So, like I was asking, how’s the picture taking business?”

“It’s doing very well, thank you. Word of mouth really does wonders for a small studio like mine.”

“Lisa and I should hire you to take our picture. We never had engagement photos or anything like that. I think it’d be fun.” Dean remembered that Cas was an amazing photographer and he thought a picture he took would be better than anyone else could get of them.

“I’d be happy to. I’ll even give you a discount,” Cas said with a smile.

Dean grinned and tipped his beer in Cas’s direction. “Good deal.” He took a swig and sat back. “Do you get a lot of odd ducks and pains in the ass coming in?”

Cas frowned in contemplation. “Mm, not too many, really. I get some, I supposed. Most of them are very nice and some people are a lot of fun.” He laughed. “There was one shoot recently that was pretty great, actually.”

Cas launched into a story about a family of eccentrics who’d been clients. As Cas told the tale of required props and weird demands, his eyes lit up and his smile showed all his teeth. For just a moment while he talked, Dean was transported back in time. While it lasted, Dean stopped being a 27 year old engaged business owner and reverted back to an 18 year old boy in love, listening to his boyfriend tell a funny story about photography class.

Suddenly, Cas tilted his head. “What?” he asked, interrupting his story.

“Huh?”

“You were looking at me strangely and I’m pretty sure you had no idea what I was saying.”

Dean laughed self-consciously and stared at his beer. “Sorry. I guess I went back in time for a little bit.” He risked a glance up and Cas’s face had gone soft.

“I still think about it, sometimes,” Cas said.

Dean nodded. “I shouldn’t because I’ve got Lisa now, but me too.”

“I don’t think you need to feel guilty. I think it’s probably like that song says.” Cas looked at him expectantly, but Dean had no idea what he meant.

“What song?” he asked.

Cas made an exasperated noise. “I thought Lisa would have helped you broaden your musical horizons,” he said with a chuckle.

“Hey, she has! I listen to all kinds of stuff now. Not dance or rap or country or pop, but I listen to stuff.”

Cas rolled his eyes. “Well, it’s a Garth Brooks song called ‘Every Now and Then.’ There’s a line that says ‘She’s here and she’s real, but you were too and every once in a while I think about you.’” Cas looked a little sad as he said it and Dean suddenly knew for certain he wasn’t the only one who’d suffered when they’d split up.

“Yeah. Yeah, that’s a good line. Maybe I’ll listen to that. I mean, it’s country, but I can make an exception, I guess.”

“What’s your email address?”

Dean looked confused, but gave it. “Why?”

“You can’t buy the song digitally. But I ripped the CD, so I’ve got the file. I’m sending it to you,” Cas said matter-of-factly.

“Oh, ok, thanks.” He finished his beer and checked with Cas before he signaled Ash for another. “So, how’s life been for the past ten years, Cas? I mean, I know we saw each other a few times, but we didn’t really catch up.”

“It’s been up and down, I suppose,” Cas said, tipping his beer back again. “That first year was bad for us both, I think, though it sounds like maybe it was worse for you.” He glanced at Dean but mostly stared at the table or around the bar as he spoke. “The year after that I went on a few unsuccessful dates and got much better grades. I finally felt human again by the third year, which is when I met Inias.”

He sat back so that Ash could set down the new beers, then waited for him to leave before he continued speaking. “I was finally able to enjoy school again that third year. And sex,” he admitted with a lopsided smile. “So of course that’s when fate threw us back together. When I was starting to feel ok again.” He laughed and finished his beer. “Inias, bless him, he thought it meant we were finally on the same page.”

“Wow. So, we’re gonna be honest, I guess?” Dean asked with a laugh and a sip of his new beer.

Cas shrugged and really looked at Dean for the first time since he’d started talking. “I see no reason to pretend our history didn’t happen, Dean. However, since you are the one with a fiancée, I will defer to you. If you would prefer that we not be honest about how it felt…” he trailed off.

“No, Cas, it’s ok. It was bad. You’re right. May as well admit it, I guess. Sucked a lot. For a long time. Managed to convince myself I was in love with Cassie, but that night I saw you, she realized I wasn’t. Dumped me the next day.” He smiled and shook his head. “Inias was totally gone on you, I remember that. And I remember being so jealous that he got to be there with you. I consoled myself with the idea that no way was the sex better,” Dean said with a hearty laugh at himself.

Cas grinned. “Oh, I hated Cassie as well. And I was both comforted and repulsed by the idea you might sometimes call her by my name. But I was basically hearing the lyrics to Alanis Morrissette in my head the whole time.”

Dean raised his eyebrows. “’You Oughta Know?’” Cas nodded. “Yeah, heh, that’s a good one.” He drank more beer. “Mom and dad were finally splitting up around then. Things had been pretty hard basically up until I met Cassie. She helped quite a bit. And throwing myself into work helped a lot.”

He shook his head. “Wasn’t just about you or Mom and Dad, either. It was not getting to be where I wanted to be or do what I wanted to do, you know? I _wanted_ to go to college and sit in a classroom and learn shit I’d never heard of. And instead, I was stuck in a nasty garage, gutting cars and getting treated like a moron by customers.”

Cas’s face fell. “I’m so sorry, Dean. That must have been a really difficult time for you. I wish I could’ve been there for you.” He rubbed his temple. “That we could have been there for each other.”

Dean shrugged. “We were kids, Cas. We did the best we could. I hated that time of my life, but it got me where I am. I don’t regret it.”

“No,” Cas agreed. “I suppose that’s true.” He sipped his beer slowly. “If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather talk about something else now.” He smiled, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I think that’s all the nostalgia I can take for the moment.”

Dean nodded, not even bothering to pretend to smile. “Yeah, I hear you.”

Cas’s smile looked more genuine when he said, “So tell me how you met Lisa.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do you still love me? You know I'm a needy thing... ♥


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas tried not to watch Dean’s perfect ass as he walked away, but he admitted to himself that he wasn’t trying that hard. It was a nice thing in an evening that seemed destined to hurt him, so he decided he’d let himself have it. He did his best to get his emotions under control by the time Dean got back to the table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's times like these I really begin to understand people who post a 50k fic all in one chapter...

As Cas listened to Dean’s story about how he had helped Lisa with her car when she was stranded on the side of the road, Cas did his best not to watch how Dean’s throat worked to swallow his beer. He tried not to remember the way he’d smelled like wood smoke and pine when they’d hugged, just as he always had when they were together. He tried not to wish those crinkles beside his eyes were for him.

He was failing miserably and then Dean finished up his story and asked, “So how about you and Balthazar? How’d you meet up?”

Cas felt a pang of sadness that he admitted wasn’t as strong as it should have been after six months of dating. He said, “Oh. I’m not sure. I think it was during a lecture, maybe?” He drank his second beer much more quickly than he’d intended. “Oh, I remember now. I dropped my note cards after class and he helped me pick them all up.”

He hoped he didn’t look as numb as he felt. He wasn’t sure why he didn’t just tell Dean. Then he remembered why Balthazar had broken up with him and he knew exactly why. He rubbed the side of his neck and tried to get Ash’s attention, but he had his back to them.

“Here, I’ll go get us a couple more, Cas, just hang tight.”

Cas tried not to watch Dean’s perfect ass as he walked away, but he admitted to himself that he wasn’t trying that hard. It was a nice thing in an evening that seemed destined to hurt him, so he decided he’d let himself have it. He did his best to get his emotions under control by the time Dean got back to the table.

“Here you go, man.” Dean took his seat again, then looked at Cas for a minute before speaking. “Are you okay? I feel like I brought us down earlier, talking about my shitty time those first few years. Sorry about that.” There was guilt and concern on his face and Cas couldn’t take it.

“No, Dean, it isn’t that.” He sighed and decided to go ahead and tell Dean. He didn’t have to give him the reasons why, after all. “The truth is that Balthazar and I split up the other night.”

“Dude, why didn’t you say something?” Dean asked, incredulous.

“Because I didn’t really want to talk about it. And it’s stupid, but, you know how it is with exes. You’re happily engaged. I didn’t want to be the less successful ex that just got dumped,” he admitted ruefully.

“ _Cas_ ,” Dean said, sympathetically. “I’m really sorry, man.”

Cas grimaced and waved off the sympathy. “Don’t be. If anything, Bal is the injured party, not me.”

“I’m not following,” Dean said, frowning in confusion.

Cas sighed, thinking quickly for a way to explain what had happened without Dean coming into it. “He pressed me on whether or not I was in love with him. I was honest and he told me it was over.”

“Oh. Ouch.”

Cas waved a hand and sipped his beer, which was much lighter now than he’d expected. “Don’t worry about it. He and I are still friends. Bal doesn’t let himself get in too deep with a risky relationship before he cuts and runs, so…” Cas trailed off, making a face as he realized that he’d just called himself a risky relationship.

“Sounds like it was for the best, then, right? Kinda like me and Cassie, I guess.” Dean pursed his lips in that way that made his dimples stand out and Cas sighed quietly. “So I know from experience it still sucks, even when you aren’t the one with the broken heart.”

Cas gave him a small smile and shrugged. “It’s not as fun as, say, a trip to the dentist.”

Dean laughed and Cas reveled in the long-missed sound. “In that case, I say we get you hammered.” He turned to the bar and raised his voice. “Hey, Ash! Round of heartbreak shots over here!”

“Coming up!” the bartender yelled back.

“Dean, I don’t –“

“Trust me, Cas. It’ll be fine. Ash won’t let us get too blotto. And if he miscalculates and we do, he’ll drive us home in our cars and come back on his bike.”

“All right,” Cas said, though he still had plenty of misgivings.

So the shots arrived, though Cas had no idea what might be in them. Ash brought them sodas to go with the shots, which relieved Cas a little bit. His alcohol experience went more toward sipping scotch, not throwing back jiggers of tequila – or whatever was in their tiny glasses, of which there were far more than Cas expected.

Dean made a toast Cas didn’t recognize as they held up the first glasses and clinked the bottoms together. Then he was tossing it back and Cas had no choice but to do the same. It seemed to burn everywhere at once. Worse, it seemed to bypass his stomach, going directly from his mouth to his crotch, causing him to start sporting a semi within about thirty seconds of tossing back the drink. Tequila then. It had always gone straight to his libido.

“This is a bad idea, Dean,” Cas said as they both picked up another shot. Were Dean’s eyes greener than they had been? That was impossible, but it felt true, anyway.

“Nah, it’ll be fun, come on.” When they had both knocked back another, Dean snapped and said, “Hey, remember the first time we ever got drunk?” His smile was infectious and Cas’s lips turned up of their own accord.

“Of course. It was quite a night. As I recall, you serenaded me and the neighbors called the police,” Cas said drily.

“Pfft, that was romantic, man, come on!” Dean pointed at him before picking up another shot. “I was a great boyfriend.” He tossed the new drink into his mouth and swallowed, grimacing.

“Down the hatch,” Cas said, downing his own. “You were a great boyfriend.” Then he grinned. “But I was a better one.”

Dean snorted. “Do you remember the _second_ time we got drunk?”

Cas frowned. “No?” Then he paused with a drink halfway to his mouth. “Oh, God, was it the peach brandy?” he asked in horror.

“The very same,” Dean said. “You don’t remember because you blacked out, right?” Cas nodded and Dean nodded along with him. “You wouldn’t listen to me when I told you we should stop drinking. So you got shitfaced. And _then_ ,” he said, pointing around the latest glass he’d picked up. “You threw up in my car. In _Baby_ ,” he explained unnecessarily.

“No!” Cas said, eyes wide. “You’d have yelled at me!”

Dean shook his head. “Nope. I’d have yelled at Sam. My own mother. Anyone else.” He drank the shot in his hand. “But when it was you? I just cleaned it up and never said a word.”

Cas dropped back against the back of the seat in shock. Even as inebriated as he was getting, he knew this was a big deal. He nodded. “Ok. You win. Best boyfriend.”

Dean smiled. “Nah. Reason I let that go is because you were always doing great shit for me. Bringing me lunch at work, helping me study for tests, rubbing my shoulders.” Dean shrugged and sipped his soda. “You were the best of us.”

Cas gave Dean what he hoped was not as dopey a smile as it felt like. Everything was rather soft around the edges. Cas kind of liked it though. Fuck, Dean was sexy. Especially when he laughed like that.

“Thanks, Cas,” Dean said, laughing harder. “You’re, uh, talking out loud, by the way.”

“Fuck,” Cas said without much concern. “I’m drunk, Dean.” He stared at his hand in wonder for a moment. “I wanted to love Bal, you know. But I couldn’t.” He shook his head, then grabbed onto the table for support. “Whoa. Spinny room.”

“I guess these last two shots are mine, huh, buddy?”

Cas frowned at him. “You’re always trying to steal my drinks. That one is yours and _this one_ ,” Cas said, taking one of the two glasses and shaking it slightly for emphasis, “is _mine_. Cheers.” He threw the wet fire into his throat and knew he made a face of distaste. He gulped soda afterward and watched Dean take his shot.

“You’re a riot, Cas.” Dean was smirking, the prick.

Cas rolled his eyes. “Yes, I’m hysterical. People gather around me in droves to partake of my endless wit.”

Dean snickered. “See what I mean?”

Cas snorted in spite of himself. “I don’t think I’ve been this drunk in a long time. Are my fingers supposed to feel tingly? I can’t remember.”

“When was the last time you were this drunk? I think it’s been a couple years for me.” Dean said, ignoring the straw and pouring the soda into his mouth.

“I’m not sure. I think it’s been…oh. I remember. It was about four years ago.” Cas stared into his drink cup and hoped Dean wouldn’t ask him to elaborate. He wasn’t drunk enough for this. He snapped his head up as he realized something he _was_ drunk enough for. “I want nachos. Do they have nachos?”

Dean laughed until he snorted. “Yeah, dude, they’ve got nachos.” He signaled for Ash. “Can we get some nachos over here? Just a big order to split.” He turned back to Cas. “The ones they make here are even better than the Roadhouse used to have.”

“I find that incredibly hard to believe. I have very fond memories of Roadhouse nachos.”

“You’ll see,” Dean said confidently. “Oh, hey you sent me that song, right?

“Um, I think so.” Cas really wasn’t sure what song, but it seemed like something he had done at some point.

Suddenly the sound of tinny music was coming from Dean’s phone. Dean held it up to his ear and was listening intently. Cas looked at him, how innocent and earnest he looked. He smiled and felt nostalgic again.

“I’ve missed you, Dean. All this time,” he said. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to say things like that, but he was hazy on the reasons why, so he though maybe it was all right.

“Yeah, ‘every once in a while I think about you’ too, Cas.” He put the phone down. “‘S a good song, man. Garth Brooks is a douche, but he got it right about exes like us. It was special and it earned a place, you know?”

Cas was hoping he would say more, but Ash arrived bearing nachos and unrequested coffee. After he set the food down, he squatted next to the table.

“Gentlemen, I’m going to request your keys, unless you both agree to stay here until your inebriation has dissipated sufficiently for you to drive home.”

They both handed over their keys without argument. “You’re a good dude, Ash,” Dean said as the bartender walked away. “What the hell were we talking about?” Dean asked as he dug into the nachos. “Oh, yeah, when was the last time you got drunk?”

Cas took his own nacho and chewed it before answering. “You were right. These are better.” Dean waved a hand, encouraging him to answer. Cas sighed. “The day of my father’s funeral.”

Dean frowned, but he had just taken another bite. He was obviously trying to finish so he could ask a question, but Cas cut him off.

“It was the day I left you the note. That’s why I had to leave so quickly. I was late for the funeral.” Cas laughed bitterly. “I had planned to go back to your apartment afterward, but I got so drunk at the reception that I had to be carried back to my hotel room by my brother. Or so I’m told. I had to fly out the next morning as soon as I woke up and I couldn’t find where I’d written your number, so…Christmas card,” he finished with a shrug.

Dean’s shoulders sagged. He nodded as he swallowed his bite at last. “Yeah. I got drunk that day, too. I just thought you skipped out.” He scratched above his ear. “You never said the funeral was the next day.”

“No, I know. I had intended to, but, well, I got a bit…distracted,” Cas said with a quirk of his eyebrow and lips.

Dean snorted. “Yeah, a little bit, huh?” He rubbed his nose and sipped his coffee, hissing at how hot it was. “I was pretty pissed at you for a while after that. I almost called and cussed you out a few times, but I didn’t want you to know how much it bothered me.”

“I suppose you were confused when you got my card.” Cas picked up his own coffee, but didn’t drink. “I tried writing you letters, but I never could bring myself to send them. They were never quite right in my mind. Then suddenly it was Christmas and I thought, ‘I’ll explain in a festive card. That’ll make it easier. He can’t hate me if there are pictures of doves.’” Cas laughed. “But I chickened out, as you know.”

Dean made a sound that moved his shoulders and might have been a short laugh. “Well, it’s better that it happened the way it did anyway, right? You were still in New York. I was still struggling with work and just starting school.”

“And now you’ve got Lisa,” Cas said, hoping the wistfulness didn’t come out in his voice. He didn’t want Dean to hear the implied, _If you didn’t, would we be going home together tonight? What would happen now, when neither of us would have to leave?_

“Yep!” Dean agreed brightly. “She’s awesome.” Dean was smiling into his coffee. He pursed his lips. “You were awesome, too, though. Special, like I said. Our thing was, I mean. Nothing will ever replace that in –“

“Dean Winchester, is that you?” came the brassy shout from across the room.

Dean groaned and said quietly, “Fuck. It’s Shelly.” He turned and pasted a smile on his face. “Hey, Shelly. How’s it going?”

“So is this what it’s gonna be like when you and Lisa are married?” she asked, obviously believing she was making some hilarious joke. “Her stuck home with the kids while you’re out hanging with the boys?” She laughed, a braying sound that hut Cas’s ears to hear.

“Says the person who stuck her with the kids in the first place,” Dean said, and it was clear he wasn’t playing along with the joke.

“Oh, now Dean-o, don’t be like that!” Shelly said, coming close enough to squeeze Dean’s face in her hand.

He jerked his head back and swatted her hand away angrily. “Dammit, Shelly, you’re drunk. Where the hell is your date, anyway?”

The fact that he and Cas were drunk seemed of little consequence to either Dean or Cas, since they were not going around being loud and annoying people. Before Shelly or Dean could say anything more, Ash was interrupting.

“Shelly, I called you a cab. No way in hell am I going to serve you when you come in here already plastered. Now come over here and sit down and drink this coffee or I’ll make you wait outside.” His tone brooked no argument.

She pouted, but complied, evidently sober enough to know she didn’t want to wait in the chilly fall air. Cas let out a breath in relief as she walked away from them.

“I can see why you don’t care for her, Dean.”

“She’s not normally _this_ bad. I better text Lisa, let her know what state she’s in before she gets back home to her kids like that.” He took out his phone and did just that.

* * *

 

Lisa duly warned and Shelly dealt with, Dean considered returning to their previous conversation, but he wasn’t sure it was wise. The adrenaline from his unpleasant interaction with Shelly had been as effective as exercise at starting to sober him up. He didn’t think Lisa would like it that he was saying things like that to Cas.

Of course, she didn’t even _know_ that he and Cas had had anything special in the past. Dean was pretty sure that made it worse, but at least he didn’t need to feel obligated to tell her. He figured if he was hiding the nature of their previous relationship, he could hide everything to do with that relationship. When he was sober, he might feel guilty about rationalizing, but right now it seemed to make perfect sense.

As if he could read his mind, Cas suddenly asked, “Why doesn’t Lisa know about us?”

“What do you mean?” Dean asked, mostly stalling for time to think.

“Well, maybe you’ve changed a lot. I mean, I’m sure you have, but…honesty has always been a big deal to you. You don’t like secrets, you always said. I mean, you told that guy…what was his name? Denny? That we dated.”

   
Dean sighed. “Benny. No, I don’t like secrets. It’s just…you and me, what we had…” Dean sighed and slid down in the booth seat, raking a rough hand through his hair. “Like I said, it was special. We didn’t split up because you were an asshole or I cheated or anything like that. It wasn’t our fault, really. Yours or mine.”

Cas nodded at him, but said nothing to further confirm he understood exactly what Dean was saying. Dean growled in frustration.

“Ok, like, a regular relationship, someone does something wrong, you know? It’s either you or the other person or both, right?” Cas nodded again. “And you figure out which and you get mad at them or yourself or both and then you work through it and you get past it and realize it wasn’t the great love affair you thought it was.”

Dean nearly wept with relief when Cas took up the explanation. “But with us, there was nothing to resolve. We broke up because the distance was too much and we both knew we would only end up hurting each other by trying to make it work. No harm, no foul.” Cas took a long sip of his coffee and then set it down quietly. “Nothing to say it wasn’t exactly the great love affair we thought it was.” Cas smiled suddenly. “’My sweet joy,’” he whispered and Dean felt his eyes prickle.

“’My saving grace,’” Dean said back. He sniffed and cleared his throat. “So, anyway, yeah. I told Benny we dated. And that was that because Benny was just a guy I was screwing around with. But if I tell Lisa we dated, she’s my fiancée. She wants the whole story for all the people I’ve dated.”

“But it’s…our story…and you don’t want to share it. Because it’s sacred,” Cas said.

Dean nodded, staring into his coffee cup. He couldn’t look at Cas right now. This was definitely dangerous territory. Dean was happily in love with and engaged to someone else now. He and Cas were well in the past. But what he and Cas had still meant something to him. It would always mean something to him. And he wanted Cas to know it because he deserved to know, Dean thought.

“Dean, I’m so glad you feel the same way about our time together,” Cas said in a rush. “And I know I should probably encourage you to tell Lisa, but I don’t tell people, either. I mean, I tell friends, but not boyfriends. Bal knew because he and I were good friends before we dated.” Cas rolled his coffee mug between his hands. “That time matters to me, Dean. I think it always will.” He smiled and made sure Dean was looking at him before he said, “I’m so pleased you have Lisa. You deserve someone who makes you happy.”

Dean stood up and stepped over, holding out his arms. It took Cas a minute to realize what was happening, but eventually he got with the program and stood up, too. Dean pulled him into a tight hug and held onto him for maybe a few seconds longer than he strictly should’ve. Then he patted him firmly and let go.

Dean sat back down and almost immediately yawned. “Man, I think I need more of this coffee.” He picked up the cup and sipped. “Just so you know, I feel the same, Cas. It matters.”

Cas suggested a change of topic and Dean had no objections. For the rest of the night, they talked about other things, like photography, their families and work. When it got close to closing time, Ash had them each use the breathalyzer he’d gotten from who knew where. Dean passed and was told he could drive himself home, but Cas was too close to the limit for Ash to feel comfortable letting him drive.

“I could drive you home, bring you back for your car tomorrow, if you don’t want Ash to drive you,” Dean said when Ash gave them a minute to decide what to do.  
  
“I’d hate for Ash to have to ride a bike on a night like tonight. It’s getting pretty cold out there. Are you sure you don’t mind?”

So a little while later, he found himself hugging Cas good-bye outside his house-slash-studio. Cas asked him to text to let him know Dean made it home safe. The ride home was quiet, despite the music blaring through the speakers. Dean was amazed at how easily he and Cas had slid back into talking.

Of course, a lot of it had been about the past, but once they resolved that, they’d transitioned easily into other topics. They still had similar ideas about many things, even though their tastes in music and cinema were so different. It was nice that Cas was so much like he used to be.

When he got home, Dean had a text from Lisa that had come in a few hours earlier. It said Shelly was too drunk to leave with the kids, so Lisa was staying over. Dean frowned, but didn’t bother to reply. Nothing to be done about it. It wasn’t like he really wanted to talk about his night out with Cas, anyway. This way there was less likelihood she would ask.

He texted Cas, then peeled off his clothes and crawled into bed. He probably needed another shower, but it would have to wait. He was suddenly exhausted and only bed would do. He fell asleep within minutes and slept through until the sun woke him by beaming into his eyes. The complete quiet suggested Lisa was still not home.

He checked the time on his phone and saw it was nearly the time he’d agreed to meet Cas to pick up the car. Dean sent him a quick text, letting him know he was running late, but would be there soon. Then he hurried into the shower. As he soaped up, his morning wood reminded him of the dream he’d been having.

“Fuck,” he groaned, not wanting to think about it. His cock had other ideas. Dean, still half asleep, let his mind go back to the dream, even though it was really a memory.

_It was Cas’s birthday. They’d gone on a ‘camping’ trip to get some time alone, away from their families. What they’d really done was find a place in the woods to park the Impala. They hadn’t even been there an hour when they’d wound up in the back seat._

_“Since it’s my birthday,” Cas said when they were half naked and all the windows were fogged up. “I was wondering if I could top tonight.” With what his mouth was doing to Dean’s shoulders and neck, Dean probably would have let him drive the car into a tree for his birthday if he’d asked right then._

_“Yes, baby, fuck yes,” Dean said._

_They were naked completely in under a minute. Cas rimmed him for the first time – for either of them – and Dean was prepped and ready a lot sooner than he’d expected. For the next half an hour, Cas found ways to bend and manipulate Dean’s body, positions of which Dean had never known himself capable._

_He took Dean to places he’d never been, to the point where Dean was in an altered state, where nothing existed except Cas, pleasure and the places where their bodies met and joined. Dean came untouched, crying Cas’s name and practically sobbing through the aftershocks as Cas kept moving inside him in search of his own bliss._

_When he came, Cas had both his hands clasped on Dean’s face and he held Dean’s gaze as he crested, his eyes wide and black with want. Dean’s name fell from his lips on the barest breath. Sweat beaded on his brow and Dean –_

\- Came with a shout in the shower. He rested his forehead on his arm on the shower wall as he caught his breath. He tried not to feel guilty. It was just another fantasy, even if it had actually happened. Still, he couldn’t let himself get into the habit. Besides the fact that he was engaged to Lisa, he and Cas were just friends now. His subconscious – and his dick - would have to remember that from now on.

He threw on some clothes and was out the door within a few minutes of drying off. The trip seemed shorter in the daylight. When he was almost there he realized he’d forgotten to text Lisa to let her know where he was going. Then again, she hadn’t texted to say when she might be home, either.

Cas was waiting on the porch when he pulled up, in a blue sweater that Dean just knew would make his eyes look like they had a light source. He swore out loud, trying not to remember the dream – and subsequent fantasy – that featured those eyes prominently. As soon as he stopped, Cas walked down to the car and got in, a nervous smile on his face.

“You ok, Cas?”

“Of course.” When Dean continued to look at him questioning, Cas rolled his eyes and laughed. “Feeling a little awkward about our degree of honesty last night, I suppose. I was a little worried that you’d be regretting it and shutting me out today.”

Dean laughed as he backed the car out slowly. “Nope.” _Had a dream about the old days, though. You were naked._ “We’re friends and we needed to clear the air about all that stuff. We’re good.”

Cas was obviously relieved. They talked easily about their weekend plans as they drove to Ash’s. Just before they pulled in, when Cas was saying how nice it was to hang out again, Lisa called.

“Hey, Lis. You back home?”

“I’m still at Shelly’s. She wants to have lunch. Wait, are you not at home?”

“I was. I came out to give Cas a ride back to his car. He got a little shitfaced last night, too,” he said, winking at Cas. “I took him home so Ash wouldn’t have to bike in the cold.”

“Ok. Well, do you mind if I have lunch with Shelly? I’ll come home right after, I promise.”

“Nah, go ahead. Maybe I’ll see if Cas wants to get lunch while we’re out.” He turned to Cas and looked at him questioningly. Cas shrugged and nodded.

“See you soon. Love you,” Lisa said.

“You too,” Dean said.

“Shall we take my car to lunch? Save you some gas? I’d like to buy lunch, as a thank you for the rides and everything.” Cas frowned. “Wait, who paid last night?”

Dean waved him off. “I did, no big. No to your car, but I will accept you buying lunch.”

Cas laughed. “You still hate to have anyone else drive.”

Dean shook his head. “Nope, I’ll let you drive Baby right now.”

Cas looked shocked. “You’re joking.”

“You wanna drive or not?” Dean said, hand on his seatbelt.

“I – yes.”

So they swapped places and Dean waited patiently in the passenger seat for Cas to get comfortable in the driver’s side of the car. His nervous excitement was kind of adorable. Since he and Lisa had agreed that he would sell the car, he’d been slowly trying to distance himself from his attachment to his baby. Of course right now was as much about convincing himself that Cas would be the best next owner as it was about giving up control of driving.

“Relax, Cas. You said you wanted to buy her, anyway, so she’s gonna be yours.”

“I know, Dean, but…it’s _Baby_ ,” Cas said reverently. He ran his hands gently over the wheel.

Dean laughed. “Yeah, yeah. You’re worse than me, you know that? Let’s go get some food, man.”

Dean directed them to a nearby diner and made sure to tell Cas he was impressed with his driving. Cas was obviously pleased by the praise. They took a booth near the back and the waitress came by before they’d even settled into their seats.

“What can I get you handsome fellas to drink?” she asked, pencil on pad.

“Just coffee, thanks,” Dean said, smiling at her.

“I’ll have coffee as well.”

“All right. I’ll have a pot right over and come back in a bit to get your orders.”

True to her word, they had a pot of coffee and two mugs before they could even speak to each other. She offered them cream and sugar, which Dean declined and Cas accepted. The sat in silence while Cas prepared his mug and then glanced at the menus.

“So, I’d like to see some of your work sometime,” Dean said as he put down the menu.

“My photographs? Of course. I have some hanging in the lobby of the studio and I’ve also got a portfolio that I show to clients.” He took a careful sip of coffee. “We could go back there after lunch, if you have time.”

“Yeah, sounds good. Lisa’s having lunch with Shelly, so she probably won’t be home till this afternoon.” Dean reflexively glanced over when the door chimed and then he was smiling and on his feet. “There’s my best girl!” he called out. He saw Cas turn around and smile too when he saw who it was.

“Hey, sweetie! I didn’t expect to see you here today!” his mother said as she rushed over for a hug.

“Well, Lisa was busy and I asked my friend here to lunch. You remember Cas, don’t you?” he asked, knowing full well she did.

Her eyes went wide and her face broke into an even wider smile. “Cas!” she exclaimed, pulling him into a hug before he even had time to register it was going to happen. “How’ve you been? Dean didn’t tell me you were in town! You should come over for dinner!” she said without letting him go. She shook him from side to side a little bit before finally drawing back. She kept her arms around him, though. “Been too long, Cas. I’ve missed you.”

Cas was smiling softly, looking younger than his twenty-seven years. For the second time in as many days, Dean was transported back in time for a moment. He suddenly remembered all the times Cas came over and Mary treated him like a third son. There were plenty of things he hadn’t allowed himself to think about in a long time and that was one of them.

“Come on, mom. Let him have some air, huh?

Mary smiled sheepishly and finally let go, but Cas just kept smiling. “I’d love to have dinner with you, Mary. Just name the time. I’ve missed you too.” Then he gestured at their booth, forgotten behind them. “Why don’t you join us for lunch? My treat.”

“Are you sure I’m not imposing?”

“I’ve been boring him to death with shop talk, Mom. You’re doing him a favor,” Dean teased.

“Well in that case,” she said with a grin. “Have you ordered yet?”

They said they had not and she slid into the booth next to Cas. Dean pretended to pout and said, “Hey, how come you’re sitting with him?”

“Because I haven’t seen him in forever and so I can look into your pretty green eyes. Now stop sassing me, Dean Winchester and let me talk to our old friend.” She swatted at his hand and turned back to Cas.

The waitress came and took their orders – three cheeseburgers with fries – and then was gone again, after leaving a coffee mug for Mary. Then Dean watched his mother and his ex boyfriend talk like old friends. It made him happy all over again that Cas was back. He had forgotten how much they’d cared about each other. It must have been hard for them both all these years too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still with me? Lemme hear you ♥


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the next ten to fifteen minutes, he sifted through picture after picture of some variation of Cas, Dean, Sam, Mary and even John together. There were a few of Cas and Dean with friends too, but the majority were of Cas and Dean by themselves or with Dean’s family.
> 
> Then finally, near the bottom, he found it. It wasn’t the only romantic picture of them in the box – there was even one someone had snapped of them kissing – but it was still Cas’ favorite.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Art! Can't wait for you to see the second piece, but that's later on. Patience, beautiful children.

* * *

Cas had forgotten how much he loved Mary Winchester. Or more to the point, he hadn’t let himself remember. She was the mother he’d never had – his own mother being as cold and uncaring as an ice queen. Mary, on the other hand, had a sunny, sweet and fun personality, and a heart a big as the world. When she said she’d missed him, Cas knew she meant it.

“All right,” she said, when they’d spent several minutes catching up. “So when are you coming over for dinner? Have you met Lisa?”

“Yes, we all had dinner the other night, actually. I’m free whenever you want me there, Mary.” Cas was genuinely looking forward to spending time with her again.

“Well, I think I want you all to myself, then. How about Wednesday? I don’t work, so I’ve got plenty of time to cook.” She turned to Dean then and said, “Don’t worry, I’ll bake you a pie and bring it over after.”

“Aw, mom, you don’t have to,” Dean said, but Cas could see he was pleased by the offer.

“Of course I do. I’m your mother.” She patted his hand. “And next time I’ll have all three of you over, I promise.” She looked at Cas again. “I guess you heard John and I split up.”  
  
Cas saw Dean looked shocked, but Cas just said, “Yes, I did and I’m sorry.”

She smiled gently. “Don’t be. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t expecting him to be there or anything.”

Cas smiled ruefully. “I don’t think he was my biggest fan, anyway.”

“See there? All the more reason for me to leave him.”

“Mom!” Dean exclaimed, but he was laughing. “I swear you’re a bad influence on her. Five minutes talking to you and she’s already making divorce jokes.”

“Next thing you know I’ll be drinking and kissing boys on the mouth,” Mary said with a cheeky grin. “And getting tattoos,” she whispered, pulling down the collar of her shirt to reveal the ink beneath.

Cas and Dean both laughed at that. The waitress showed up with their burgers then and they busied themselves with eating for a while. It was easy and comfortable to be with these two people again. Cas suddenly missed Dean’s younger brother.

“You’ll have to let me know the next time Sam is coming into town. I’d love to see him.”

“Oh, what a good idea! I’m sure he’d be happy to see you too. He’s coming in for winter break, I think, some time soon. Dean, do you remember what day?” she asked, eating another few fries.

Dean finished a bite and wiped his mouth. “I think it’s two weeks from yesterday. I’ll have to check.”

“Oh, Dean,” Cas said. “Speaking of the holidays, I’m going to be getting pretty busy soon. So if you and Lisa want to have your picture made, the sooner the better.”

“Like, how soon?”

“Well, tomorrow would probably be the best time, but any night this week except Wednesday,” he said with a smile at Mary.

“Ooh, I wanna get my picture taken, too! Will you make me look beautiful, Cas?” Mary asked with a wink.

“It would be impossible not to,” he told her truthfully.  

“I knew I liked you, you little sweet-talker,” she said, grinning.

“If you’re cool with tomorrow, I’ll see if Lisa wants to do that. She’s teaching some night classes this week, I think,” Dean said.

“All right. Mary, if we have an early dinner on Wednesday, I could photograph you afterward.”

“Oh, that sounds like fun! Can you bring your camera and do it at the house? Or do you want me to come to the studio?” Mary asked, obviously excited.

“Whichever you prefer,” Cas said. He pushed his plate aside. “The same for you, Dean. If you’d rather take the photos in your house, I can bring over the camera and a few other things from the studio.”

Mary squeezed his arm. “Well, I think I want you to take my pictures at my place. You remember how to get there, don’t you?”

“I don’t think I could forget,” he said before he thought.

Mary reached out and wrapped an arm around him, pulling him to her. “Good. You should always remember the way home,” she whispered in his ear.

Cas felt tears prick his eyes. Dean was looking away, which was probably for the best. Just when the silence was starting to get awkward, Mary startled them all.

“Oh, shit! I’m gonna be late if I don’t get a move on. I got so excited about seeing you, I completely forgot I was just stopping in here before work.” She pulled him into another hug and planted a kiss on top of his head as she stood up. “Dean, baby, you be good and come see me soon, ok? Tell Lisa hello. I love you,” she said, after kissing his cheek. Then she bent back down to Cas. “And I love you too, Cas. Don’t you forget it,” she said, pointing at him. Then she smiled. “Bye, boys!”

Cas smiled at her until she was out of sight. When he turned back, Dean was looking at him, but quickly dropped his eyes. The waitress showed up then to ask if they needed anything. “Uh, I’m done eating, I think, how about you?”

“What, no pie?” Cas teased.

“You kidding? Mom’s making me real pie this week, didn’t you hear?” Dean grinned. To the waitress, he said, “I think we just need the check, beautiful.” When she was gone again, he asked, “Um, you still ok with me coming by to see your photos? I don’t know for sure, but I’m guessing she’ll want to take the pictures at the house.”

Cas smiled at the waitress as she set the check down and thanked them. “Of course you can. I’ll be bringing a portfolio with me, though, if I come to your house. For you to pick out poses, if you want,” Cas said as he dug his wallet out. “So you’ll get to see those, anyway.”

“I’d still like to see where you work and the ones on the walls. That okay?”

Cas smiled to let him know he meant it when he said, “Yes, Dean. I’d like it if you came by so I could show you everything.”

Dena smiled back. “Good. So we ready?” he asked as he watched Cas throw some bills onto the table.

Less than twenty minutes later, they were pulling into Cas’s driveway. Cas felt inexplicably nervous as he unlocked the studio door. He didn’t know why. It wasn’t as though Dean would judge him. He supposed it was because he’d worked so hard to get this little space. This was where he where he got to pursue his passion. It was part of him in a way that the rest of his little house really wasn’t.

“It’s not much, but it’s mine,” he said, opening the door.

He stepped through, allowing Dean to come in before he closed the door behind them. They were in a small waiting room, with rose-colored walls. He had several large portraits hung up, in varying styles. Two of his favorites were the black and white images that bookended the room.

“This is where clients sit until I’m ready for them. These shots on the walls are all ones I’ve taken. These are my favorites,” he said, gesturing at the black and whites.

One showed a couple mid-dance, her skirt swirling up just so as the spotlight caught them from behind and threw them in stark relief. The other was a little dark-skinned girl, dimpled cheeks showcased by curling hair held back with a headband. Her hands were held out in an unplanned shrug that gave her a mischievous air.

“Cas, I always knew you were good, but these are amazing,” Dean said softly. The breathlessness in his voice told Cas he meant every word. He laughed then. “Now you’re gonna take my picture? I feel unworthy,” he joked.

“Well, you are pretty hideous, but I’m sure I can fix most of it in post,” Cas deadpanned.

The way Dean’s eyes sparkled when he threw his head back in a laugh made Cas wish he had his camera right then. He resolved to try and make Dean laugh during the photo session.

“Would you like to see the studio itself? Or would you rather look at the portfolio?” Cas asked.

“Can I do both?”

Cas smiled. “Of course, Dean.”

An hour later, when Dean was gone and the house was a little too empty, Cas made himself a hot toddy and lit the fire. He wished for a moment that Bal was there to cuddle with, but instantly felt guilty because he realized he just wanted to cuddle. Bal was optional. Truthfully, he wanted Dean back to cuddle with. Cas knew he had to shake off this renewal of his attraction to him. He hoped seeing Dean tomorrow with his fiancée would help with that.

The problem was that Dean hadn’t changed that much from when they were teenagers, physically or in personality. And most of the changes seemed to be for the better. The soft, almost-feminine sweetness of his teenage face had grown into something slightly more rugged and sharply angled. The funny, goofy kid had become an adult with a biting wit. Cas knew he had to put these feelings aside. Dean was not his. Dean was in a happy, loving relationship with Lisa now and Cas would do well to keep that in mind.

Still, he couldn’t seem to stop himself from going to the attic and looking for his box of photographs from high school, to see if he could find that picture of the two of them. To his surprise, he came across a box labeled “Dean” which he had no memory of packing or labeling. It was definitely his own handwriting, though.

He considered opening it right there, but the warm, cozy living room called him back downstairs. He carefully navigated the narrow ladder with the box and managed to get back down without falling or dropping the box. He said a quick prayer of thanks to anyone who might be listening.

He pulled a throw over his legs and set the box in his lap. The first thing he pulled out was a bundle of letters. He’d forgotten how they had written each other so much during those first few weeks apart. Cell phones still weren’t very common back then and, while they both had them, the plans were expensive and they couldn’t afford to waste minutes. He set the letters aside, not sure he was quite up to those right now.

The next thing he took from the box was a mix tape of guitar-laden love ballads Dean had made him when they first started dating. He’d probably end up throwing that away. He might go through the list and buy the mp3’s first, though. It was a pretty good tape, after all.

Next up was a shirt that he had a physical reaction to seeing. He couldn’t keep himself from saying, “Oh, Dean’s favorite shirt!” out loud in a reverent whisper. Tears burned just behind his eyes and buried his face in the soft fabric for a moment. It mostly smelled like attic dust, but Cas remembered when it had smelled like wood smoke and pine, just like the man himself.

There were a few other odds and ends. Mostly silly keepsakes that Cas barely remembered the significance of. In the bottom of the box, however, was another box filled with photos. Cas had forgotten there were so many.

For the next ten to fifteen minutes, he sifted through picture after picture of some variation of Cas, Dean, Sam, Mary and even John together. There were a few of Cas and Dean with friends too, but the majority were of Cas and Dean by themselves or with Dean’s family.

Then finally, near the bottom, he found it. It wasn’t the only romantic picture of them in the box – there was even one someone had snapped of them kissing – but it was still Cas’ favorite. Dean had saved up his money and bought Cas a really nice camera for his birthday, knowing how Cas loved photography.

The picture of the two of them was the first photograph – and probably the best, though Cas was admittedly biased – ever taken with that camera. Cas still had the camera and it still worked, mainly because he’d paid good money to keep it repaired. He lightly traced the air above their faces with his finger.

“My sweet joy,” he whispered to the empty room. “My beautiful Dean. I loved you so much. Why couldn’t I have kept you forever?” He closed his eyes tightly against the burning. “I still miss you. How is that fair?”

A tear rolled down his face and he chugged the last of his hot toddy. Carrying the picture with him, he walked over and poured himself another drink, this time straight brandy. He drank it in one painful gulp, grimacing as it trailed fire from his mouth to his stomach. He stood there with his eyes closed as the warmth spread through him, relaxing the tension from his neck and shoulders.

He breathed out slowly and the urge to cry was passing. He looked at the photo again and smiled. At least the photo helped him differentiate between the Dean he had loved and the one he’d spent so much of the past two days with. The boy in the picture was _his_ Dean. The man he’d had lunch with was Lisa’s. There was a definite difference and he thought it helped, being able to see it.

Still, he loved this picture and it was time to stop hiding it. Maybe it was even a good idea to keep it out as a reminder of the change. He went to his studio and found a good frame. He mounted the photo in it and took it to the bedroom. He set it up on a shelf in a corner he rarely went to. It was high enough that he wouldn’t see it all the time.

That done, he went back to the living room and packed up everything except the photos of Dean and his family and the ones of Mary and Cas together. He thought he’d see if Dean had copies of the first and he wanted to share the latter with Mary. He had been sad, but now he was actually feeling buoyed. These were good memories.

\-----

When Dean got home, Lisa still wasn’t back yet. He made a face and stomped into the house, feeling his mood drop rapidly. He wasn’t mad at Lisa, but he was plenty pissed at Shelly. This was the third time this week alone that she’d interfered with their plans and it was definitely getting old fast.

He really didn’t understand why Lisa couldn’t see through Shelly’s bullshit. All of Lisa’s other friends were great and she saw them all the time too. Somehow, though, Shelly was the only one who consistently needed something from Lisa. Lisa wasn’t stupid, so why couldn’t she tell she was being used?

He decided to workout to burn off some of his tension. He headed for the spare room they had turned into a home gym. He kept exercise clothes in there and he changed into them, laying his other clothes over a different machine so he could put them back on after, if he didn’t get too sweaty.

He always covered up the readout when he used a machine, to keep himself from reflexively checking it every few seconds. He guessed he’d been on the treadmill for at least thirty minutes before he heard Lisa, but a glance at the readout showed it was actually closer to an hour. He had moved into a cool down already, so he went ahead and stopped, grabbing his discarded clothes on the way.

“Hey,” he said, walking into the living room to greet Lisa as she came in.

“Hey, you. Sorry I’m later than I said.”

“Let me guess. Shelly needed something,” he said before he could stop himself.

Lisa was instantly angry. “Dean, I know you don’t like her, but she is still my friend and I’d appreciate it if you showed her some respect.”

“I’d appreciate it if she showed _you_ some respect, Lisa. She does not call you unless she needs something. Like, ever.” He stopped and took a breath, refusing to get sucked into a fight, even though he’d been the one who made the incendiary comment. “I’m not angry with you, I’m pissed at her.”

“What right do you have to be pissed at her?” Lisa asked, face getting red.

Dean looked at her and laughed incredulously. “Are you being serious right now? Three times this week, Lisa. Three.”

“Three times, what?” Lisa asked, brow furrowed.

“That’s how many times she’s messed with our plans because she _needed_ something. But I don’t got a right to be pissed?” He did his best not to look at Lisa like she was crazy, but he was feeling it.

Lisa’s anger visibly deflated. “I’m sorry. I should’ve been home when I said.”

“Like I said, I’m not mad at you. I just wish you’d stop running when she called, Lisa.”

“She doesn’t have anyone else, though, Dean,” Lisa said.

“Yeah, well, maybe think about why that is, Lisa. Ever consider her other friends got tired of being used for shit?” He knew he was walking a thin line here, but he’d decided better a thin line than eggshells.

“Dean, she’s not…I mean, she’s needy, but it’s not like that. She’s not making stuff up or whatever you think,” she said defensively.

“All I know is, a few days ago, she was too sick to watch her kids. Last night she’s feeling well enough to go out.” Dean started ticking fingers. “She said she had a date, but there wasn’t anybody with her when I saw her. She was drunk off her ass, so you had to stay all night. And today, she needed something else again.”

“The guy was a jerk and she made him leave. And she had a little too much to drink –“

“ _Lisa._ I saw her. She didn’t have a little too much. You didn’t have to stay the night because she had a little too much. She was totally shitfaced.” Dean waited for Lisa to blow up, but she didn’t.

She sighed. “Yeah. Okay, she’s not good at moderation, that’s true.”

Dean shook his head. “Look, I don’t wanna waste anymore time talking about her. Just please promise me you’ll stop running every time she calls. At least when we’ve got plans.”

Lisa nodded, though Dean could see her reluctance.

“Good. Now, I have a surprise for you. Well, sort of. Remember how you’ve been wanting to get our picture taken professionally, but we haven’t gotten around to it yet?” He tried to muster up the excitement he’d been feeling about it earlier and he thought he managed all right.

“Yes,” she said hesitantly.

“Well, Cas is a professional photographer and he’s going to work us into his schedule tomorrow. We can either go to the studio or he’ll come here and take ‘em for us. Whaddya think, huh?”

“Dean, that’s fantastic!” she said with genuine enthusiasm. “Oh, that’s perfect. Do you mind if he comes here? I’d really like some photos in front of the fireplace.”

“I had a feeling you would,” he said with a smile. “Cas is cool with coming over. He said he can bring some of his stuff with him and it’ll be almost just as good.”

Lisa came forward and threw her arms around him in a hug. “This is great. We can give one to your mom and my parents for Christmas.”

“Oh, hey, I saw mom today at lunch. She says hi and she wants us to come over soon for dinner. I told her we would.”

If they hadn’t been so close, he might not have seen the look that flashed over her face before she schooled it into a polite smile. But they were and he did and he frowned at her.

“I thought you liked my mom?” he asked carefully.

“Honey, I love your mom,” she said, placing a hand on his face. She looked sincere, but she sighed and pulled out of his arms. “It’s just that the last few times we’ve been over there, she’s just really been pressuring me about when we’re gonna set a date.”

“Babe, she asked, like, _once_ last time we were there. She’s just making conversation. Trust me, my mom isn’t like that. Has she asked anything about grandkids? No. Because she’s not that type of person.”

“If you say so. It really feels like pressure to me.” Dean frowned, but decided to drop the subject. He wasn’t ready to ask why she might be projecting pressure onto herself over the date. They’d had a rough morning already.

“Well, if she brings it up, I will answer her, ok?” More likely, he would text his mom and ask her not to ask, but he wasn’t going to tell Lisa that.

She nodded finally and smiled.

“Good. So what do you wanna do with the rest of our day? Because you look like you could use a long hot soak in the tub and head to toe massage,” he said, stepping up to kneading her shoulders gently.

“Mm, those both sound nice, but honestly, either way I’ll probably just fall asleep. You mind if I take nap?” He did, but he shook his head.

“Maybe I’ll lay down with you and get in some cuddle time,” he said.

Lisa laughed. “Ok, weirdo. Come on, then.”

So they went and lay down in bed, and Dean spooned around her. He quickly realized he wasn't going to sleep, but he was enjoying the closeness, anyway. When Lisa fell asleep, though, she almost immediately started pulling away. She was a restless sleeper sometimes and apparently this was one of them. He sighed and finally got up. 

For lack of anything better to do, he texted Cas to let him know Lisa was on board with taking photos and to ask if he minded coming to the house. When he was done and the message was sent, Dean wondered what kind of camera Cas was using these days. That reminded him of the camera Dean had given Cas for his birthday all those years ago.

On impulse, he decided to see if he could find his old photo albums. He realized they were probably in the closet in the bedroom, but he checked the garage and the attic first, just in case. He didn’t find them in either place, so he quietly snuck back into the bedroom. Despite her restlessness, Lisa was generally a heavy sleeper, but he thought it wouldn’t hurt to keep the noise down anyway.

He carefully shifted through the boxes on the shelf of the closet until he saw one marked “photos.” He dragged it forward and deftly caught it before it could fall. He checked to make sure Lisa was still asleep and then he carted it into the living room. There were several albums in it and he would probably look at all of them eventually, but he knew which one had pictures of him and Cas in it and that was the one he wanted right now.

Not surprisingly, he had put it on the bottom of the box. He stacked all the others on the coffee table. He didn’t mind if Lisa looked through those, so he might leave them there. Then he put the box aside and drew the album into his lap. Back then, he’d been pretty religious about putting pictures into albums as soon as they were developed. Because of that, they were more or less in chronological order, so flipping through the album now allowed him to see his friendship with Cas grow into a relationship.

Basically, he was watching himself fall in love. He couldn’t help the stupid smile that spread across his face. He could feel all the joy in the pictures, rolling off the page in waves and it was lifting his mood. It didn’t matter that all this had ended in tears. He’d had it for a while and it had been amazing. That was important. And he had his friend back, which was a definite plus.

When he got to the page where he’d expected to find the picture he was looking for, instead there was a blank spot where the picture should have been. Then he remembered. He’d kept the picture on his car visor for months. Then he’d put it in a frame and kept it in his room for a long time. Sometimes, he’d have to hide it from himself, but other times, it kept him going.

When he’d been dating Cassie for a while, though, she’d seen it one night and demanded he take it down. He said he would, but he forgot before the next time she came over. She’d made him put it away, but he’d refused to get rid of it. That had been their first fight and should have told him he needed to end things. He had put it out of sight, in the end. He didn’t remember where he’d put it, though.

He felt a heavy wave of disappointment. He had really wanted to see that picture. It could have been lost in the intervening years. He wondered if Cas had kept his. Dean was pretty sure he still had the negatives - unless Cas had kept them - but even if he did, he kept those separate and it would require a whole lot of sifting through to find the right one. He wasn’t sure it was worth the effort for a picture he didn’t want Lisa to see.

He felt guilty again for keeping it from her. He wondered if maybe he should tell her. He didn’t want to, but he supposed it was the right thing to do. He figured he’d decide later. And if he did it, it would definitely be _after_ Cas took their picture. He didn’t want to ruin that with her suddenly being jealous of the guy.

He flipped through the rest of the pictures and saw several that were almost as good as the one they’d taken with Cas’s camera. They brought his mood back up. He was smiling when he put the album back in the box. He left most of the other albums on the table, but he did pick up one or two that he knew weren’t anything special – like the one that had Cassie in it – and put them back in the box, to make the other one less conspicuous.

He knew then that he had to tell Lisa. Hiding things like this was no way to start a life together. It might even be better to tell her before the pictures were taken, but he really didn’t want to do that. He took the box and carefully put it back up in the closet. Lisa didn’t stir, so Dean went back down to the living room.

When he sat back down on the couch, his phone trilled with a text message. The screen said Cas, so he tapped to see it.

**> I can be over there any time tomorrow. Just tell me when.**

As Dean was reading the first message, a second one came in, this time followed by a photograph.

**> I’ve been going through old boxes. Remember this?           **

And there it was. The picture Dean had been wanting to see. He quickly saved it and emailed it to himself so he could see it later on his laptop. He smiled wistfully at the image, which was even better than he’d remembered. He wanted to reach into the phone and hug that young Cas one more time.

**I swear I was just going through old albums looking for that!**

**Man, that’s awesome. Thanks for sending it. I love that picture.**

**> It is pretty great, isn’t it? We were so young…**

**We were fucking adorable is what we were. Look at those cheeks. :D**

**> Ha! That too ;)**

They texted a bit more to set up a time and then said their goodbyes. Dean was in a really good mood now. He started going through the groceries they had to try and plan something really good for dinner. He was in the mood to cook. He had a tomato and meat sauce simmering in the pan and the water boiling for pasta when Lisa finally came downstairs.

“Hey, babe, you feeling better?” he asked as she walked sleepily into the room.

She came up behind him and lay her head on his back, wrapping her arms around his waist and humming a noncommittal response. He raised his arm and turned so that he could duck down and kiss the top of her head.

“Smells good,” she mumbled against his shirt. “What’s for dinner?”

“Lasagna. How’s that sound?” he asked, throwing noodles into the water pot.

“Really good. I’ll go set the table,” she said, stepping away.

He already had everything laid out, so he put the first thin layer of sauce on the bottom of the baking pan. He threw some sausage, hamburger and onions into a skillet he’d been heating and got them started browning. He used precooked meat, so he only had to bake his lasagna for about 15 minutes.

He kept the meat stirring until the pasta was ready. Then he laid out the first layer of noodles to dry a little bit. He laid them down in the pan when they were ready. Then he got out more to dry, and layered on sauce, meat and cheese into the pan. Another minute and it was all ready to go into the oven.

He looked over to see that Lisa had to table all set and a bottle of wine open and breathing. Wine wasn’t his favorite, but it went really well with Italian food, he couldn’t deny that. He split open a loaf of bread and brushed garlic butter over it before tossing it in the oven to brown.

A few minutes later, they were served and ready to eat. Lisa poured the wine and then clinked glasses with him. “Wow, honey, this looks really good. I think you outdid yourself.”

“Better taste it before you say that,” Dean teased. Then he forked up a bite and realized she might have been right.

“Oh, my God, Dean. This is really, really good.”

For the next few minutes they ate in silence, enjoying the meal and the wine. When Lisa took a break to tear off a piece of bread, she asked, “So what are all those albums I noticed on the coffee table?”

Dean washed down his bite with some wine and said, “Oh, I was looking for some old pictures of me and Cas and I figured you might like to go through the albums with me. See what I looked like when I was a kid or whatever.”

“Ooh, that sounds fun!” She drug a piece of bread through the sauce and ate it before speaking again. “So, you and Cas were pretty close, huh?”

Dean took another drink of wine before he answered. “He was my best friend,” he answered truthfully.

“And you guys just stopped talking when he went off to college? Oh,” she said, shaking her head. “But you guys had hooked up, you said. Never mind. That probably complicated things, huh? That makes sense.” She ate a little bit more while he drank and ate in silence, debating whether or not to say anything. “I’m really looking forward to getting those pictures done tomorrow. I’ve wanted us to do that for a long time.”

“I know, I remember. I think it’s great Cas made the time for us on a Sunday. He doesn’t normally work Sundays, I don’t think.”

“Yeah, that is really cool of him. We should go out with them again. I didn’t really get to meet Balthazar.” Dean swallowed his bite and sighed.

“Actually, they broke up after that, so it’s just as well you didn’t.” He finished his meal and downed the last of his glass of wine.

He started to take his plate to the kitchen, but she waved at him to stop. “I’ll get that. You cooked, so the least I can do is the dishes, babe.”

He smiled. “Not gonna argue with you. But I am going to go wash my hands so I don’t get grease on the photo albums.”

When Lisa was done with the dishes, they sat on the couch and he pulled over the first album. He flipped through the first one fairly quickly. It was mainly pictures of him as a baby and he didn’t find them that interesting, except for the ones with his mom. He didn’t even know most of the other people in the pictures. His mom had insisted he have copies of all of them, though. Maybe when he had kids, they’d be interested.

In the next album he was a little older and by the halfway mark, Sam had been born. He liked looking at the pictures of him and tiny Sammy together. He knew he had a smile on his face, as he flipped through the last few pages. Lisa nudged him with her arm, smiling and he shrugged.

“You really do love your baby brother, huh?” she asked gently.

“Baby Sammy was my little dude, man. He would just look at me and smile and it was the best.” He closed the book and set it aside to grab a third. “I mean, I was jealous and shit at first, right? But he would say my name and it just made me feel important.” He shrugged again. “He’s my baby brother. Still gotta look out for him, even though I know he’s old enough to look out for himself now.”

“Well, I think it’s great.” Then she made a face. “Except for the part where you had to miss out on college to take care of him. That wasn’t right.”

Not wanting to get into it, he just said, “Lisa, don’t. It is what it is. Can’t change it. It happened. No sense getting all pissed off now.” _You weren’t the one who had to lose Cas_. He didn’t know where the thought came from, but he brushed it aside, knowing it wasn’t something he needed to dwell on.

They looked through the next album mostly in silence until they got to a picture of Dean at age thirteen, standing next to a girl with flaming red hair. He laughed out loud. Then he pointed at the picture excitedly.

“That right there is my first girlfriend.” He looked at Lisa for effect before he said, “ _Charlie_.”

She sat up straighter in surprise. “What? No way! You never told me that!”

“Yep. Charlie told me later that she was already pretty sure she liked girls. We’d been friends for a little while and then one day she was at my house and she said, ‘You’re pretty. Kiss me.’ And I did. And neither of us enjoyed it very much,” he said with a laugh. “We called ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend for a little while longer, though. Just so we could go to parties and stuff together. I think people were picking on her too.”

“Have you seen her lately? I don’t think she’s been over since…shit, I don’t even remember.”

Dean sighed. “Not since we moved in. We had a fight and she’s not speaking to me.”

“ _What_? Why? You love Charlie!” Lisa looked so concerned, Dean hated having to explain. This was why he’d avoided it for the months since it happened.

“Yeah, I do, but…she didn’t want us moving in together.”

“She – I thought Charlie liked me?” Lisa asked, clearly hurt.

“She does, Lisa. She just…she said we were moving too fast and she kinda rubbed me the wrong way and I said some things that made her pretty mad. I haven’t apologized because I was still pretty mad myself,” he admitted.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked.

He sighed and shifted around to face her better. “Because I knew it would hurt your feelings. And I kinda thought she’d realize she was wrong and apologize before now.”

“Well, you should make up with her. She’s one of your best friends. I don’t want to be the cause of you two not talking. She was just trying to look out for you,” Lisa said sensibly.

“I know. I just…I expected her to have more faith in my judgment. She’s seen me go through a lot. She should know I wouldn’t get into something without thinking it through.” He scratched his arm. “I should let her know Cas is back in town, anyway, though.”

“Why don’t you do that now? We can look at the rest of these later.”

Dean nodded and grabbed his phone, taking it out to the garage. Then he changed his mind and came back inside, snagging another glass of wine before going back out. Lisa rolled her eyes, but she was smiling. He shut the door and pulled his swiveling Snap-On stool over to sit on.

He pressed in the number and wondered whether she’d pick up. He didn’t have long to wait. She didn’t even say hello.

“So, Winchester. Are you calling to tell me I was right and you two split up already because it was too soon?”

Rather than rise to the bait and point out how shitty it would be if he and Lisa _had_ split up, he said, “Cas moved back to town.”

There was dead silence for several seconds before she said, “You’re shitting me.”

“Nope. He’s been back a few months. I ran into him last week and we’ve gone out like three times since then.”

“Gone out like…gone out?” she asked, obviously hopeful.

“What? No! Charlie, I’m still with Lisa. I’m marrying her, remember? And anyway, it’s been ten years since we split up,” he reminded her.

“Have you set a date yet?” she asked pointedly.

“You know what? I’m sorry I called. _Lisa_ said I should make up with you. Something about how we’d been friends a long time. Ring any bells? Coz I’m having a hard time with it myself.”

“Dean, I’m not going to apologize for trying to keep you from making a mistake that affects the rest of your life.” She sighed heavily into the phone. “But I won’t say anything else, if we can be friends again. I miss you,” she admitted quietly.

“I’m still mad at you,” he said, but he wanted to call a truce too.

“I’m still mad at you too,” she said. “But I wanna hear about Cas. And I know you wanna talk about him, so don’t even try to lie. Bet you never told Lisa about you two, either.”

He took a deep breath and said, “Look, I still say you were out of line, but…I know I shouldn’t have attacked you the way I did. I said some shitty things about Gilda and I’m really sorry. That was totally uncalled for.”

Charlie was quiet for a few seconds. “Ugh, fine, I forgive you. Now, did you tell Lisa about Cas or not?”

“I’m planning on telling her tomorrow night, actually,” he said.

“What’s so special about tomorrow? Why not tonight?”

“Tomorrow he’s taking our picture and I don’t want to screw that up for either one of them.”

“I just want you to know, that I am literally biting my tongue right now,” she said drily.

“Charlie, do you wanna hear about Cas or not?”

“Okay, fiiiine. How is he? Is he still pretty?”

For the next half an hour, he answered most of her questions. He was still mad at her by the end, but he had to admit, it was nice talking to her again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have I told you today that I love you? ♥


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the next half an hour, he became increasingly sorry he’d agreed to be their photographer. It was all so much more difficult than he’d anticipated. Having to pose Dean meant touching him and that was frustrating.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only because I love you is the rest of this not in one big chapter. You're welcome.

Cas was nervous all morning. He knew he didn’t have to be at Dean and Lisa’s until eleven o’clock, but he’d woken up at six a.m., unable to get back to sleep. He’d done a good job of convincing himself that everything he felt was for a Dean who no longer existed. But then he’d texted Dean the picture and not only had Dean been looking for his copy, but he had said he loved that picture – not past tense – and it had just confused everything again.

Dean calling them “adorable” certainly hadn’t helped, either.

And Cas had dreamed about Dean in the night, but he woke up unable to tell whether it had been past Dean or current Dean. He was attracted to Dean, either way. What if Lisa could tell? She knew Dean was bisexual and that they’d slept together. Would she be looking for signs of current interest? He didn’t know and it scared him. It scared him more that he didn’t know if his attraction was obvious.

He had his car packed and ready to go a full two hours early. After that, he played around on his computer for a while and cleaned the house until he could safely leave the house. Was there such a thing as fashionably early? He was about to find out.

When he pulled into the driveway, Dean was outside getting something out of his car. Cas instantly felt better when he saw him and he was pretty sure that was bad. However, he sort of forgot to worry about it when Dean looked up and smiled at him, obviously pleased to see him.

“Hey, you’re early! Lisa will be glad to hear it. She’s been super anxious all morning. You’d think it was already Christmas or something,” Dean said with a grin. “Come on, it’s chilly out here. Let’s get inside. What can I help you carry?”

Cas ordinarily would never let a client carry anything, but this was Dean and it was chilly and so Dean carried half the equipment and they managed to bring it all in on one trip. Lisa was indeed happy to see he was early.

“I hope you haven’t eaten,” she said after he’d set all the equipment down. “Because we were thinking maybe you could stay and have lunch with us after we’re done.”

“I’d love to. That’s very kind, Lisa. Thank you.” He smiled at her warmly.

It didn’t take long for him to set up the equipment, once they told him where they wanted to have the photos made. The next step was figuring out some poses. He usually liked to get a good mix of candid and posed shots. He’d found that letting the people choose their posed shots often led to higher satisfaction with the final photo choices. Higher satisfaction meant more sales.

“Okay, I’ve got my portfolio here, if you two would like to look through it and choose five or six possible poses. I’ve got to tweak some things and get the camera hooked up to the computer, so take your time.”

He loved his camera that allowed him to take both film and digital images. It meant he could give them an instant idea of what the photos would look like, but he could also get the amazing quality that he felt film provided over digital. He got to work attaching the camera to the computer and getting the software up and running.

“No,” Dean suddenly said, loudly enough to break through Cas’s single-minded focus.

Cas glanced up and saw that they were arguing over the pose book. “Come on, Dean,” Lisa said. “Why not? It’s so romantic.”

“Because it’s…it’s cheesy. I don’t like it,” Dean said, and Cas wondered if Lisa could tell as easily as he could that Dean was lying. Cas couldn’t think why he’d be lying about why he didn’t want to pose a certain way.

“Well, I do. Cas, what do you think?” she asked, turning to him suddenly.

Cas frowned. “You want my help choosing a pose?”

“Dean says this pose is cheesy and I say it’s romantic. It’s in your book, so I want to know what you think,” she said.

“Oh. All right. Um, let me see,” he said, finishing what he was doing and walking over. As soon as he got there, he regretted agreeing. “Um, that pose…well,” he said, trying not to make eye contact with Dean and give away the lie in the partial truth he was about to tell. “It’s very difficult to get that pose when the couple has a large height difference. I didn’t even realize this photo was still in here.”

“You don’t take photos for couples with a big height difference all the time?” she asked.

“Well, yes, of course, but ordinarily, I’d have my adjustable stool in my studio and today I don’t have that.” He pointed to the picture again. “You see how he’s got his face turned into her cheek? If he has to bend down to make that happen it throws off the whole shot. Don’t worry, I’m sure we can find a pose that’s equally romantic.” He flipped through a few pages until he found what was indeed a rather cheesy pose. “Here, how about this one?”

“Yeah, okay, that one’s good.” She nodded, mollified. “Or is this too _cheesy_ for you?” she asked Dean.

“It is _not_ cheesy,” Cas said to Dean sternly, in an effort to make the shoot go more smoothly. “And angry couples take terrible pictures, so let’s not hold grudges now that you’ve found a suitable pose. Trust me on this,” he told Lisa. She nodded and smiled first at him, then Dean. “Have you chosen all your poses yet?”

They still had a couple more to fill out their selections, so Cas stepped away while they chose those, trying to get himself back under control. Having Lisa choose the very pose he’d sent Dean a picture of themselves in last night had never entered his mind. He honestly thought he’d taken that pose out of the book. He hated seeing other people pose like that and usually reserved it for weddings.

“I think we’re all set, Cas,” Dean said. He was behind Lisa and the look on his face was both apologetic and grateful.

Cas smiled and said, “Excellent. Leave the book there and just bring me the list. Now why don’t you two go stand just there. Perfect. This is just a test shot. Good.” He checked the digital image for lighting and position. “Okay, we’re good on lighting. I’ll be there in one second to move you around a bit.”

For the next half an hour, he became increasingly sorry he’d agreed to be their photographer. It was all so much more difficult than he’d anticipated. Having to pose Dean meant touching him and that was frustrating. Especially since Dean seemed to be just as uncomfortable with it.

On top of that he had to watch Dean be cuddly and romantic with Lisa, which was unpleasant. More unpleasant still was that, in between poses, he had to watch them bicker. Their initial spat had dissipated, but Lisa had received a phone call from Shelly. Then Cas had tried to make small talk and asked whether or not they had set a date yet. Evidently, these events sparked some sort of contention.

By the time all the photos had been taken, Cas was sporting a headache. He very much wanted to beg out of lunch, but when he was just about to say he wasn’t particularly hungry and should get home, his growling stomach betrayed him. It was their fault for making something that smelled so delicious.

Dean grinned at the sound Cas’ traitorous stomach made, however. “Good thing the meatloaf’s almost ready,” he teased. “Come on, let’s eat. We can help you pack up after lunch.”

“Cas, I’m sorry if we were difficult today,” Lisa said, pressing an arm to his shoulder as she walked around him to set the table. “We really do appreciate you taking the time out to do this for us. I’m sure Sundays aren’t normally a work day for you.”

“It was no trouble,” he lied. “Actually, during the holiday season, I quite often work weekends to accommodate busy schedules. Normally, I work mostly afternoons and evenings on weekdays, but for the holidays, I make exceptions.” He smiled at her reassuringly. “I was happy to do so for the two of you.”

“That’s sweet of you to say, but I know we were a handful.” She set down the last of the cutlery and asked, “How much do we owe you for this? I’m sure you don’t come cheap.” This last was said with a smile as Dean returned to the table.

Cas waved a hand. “Oh, I'm waiving the sitting fee.”

“Cas, you don’t have to do that,” Dean said with concern on his face.

“It’s not a big deal, Dean. I usually do that, anyway, when people buy packages over a certain amount. And getting a home-cooked meal is worth it for me,” he said with a smile at both of them.

Dean’s face cleared. “All right. I can live with that, I guess.”

“We’ll just have to buy a _lot_ of pictures,” Lisa told Dean with another wink. He leaned down to kiss her, their bickering apparently forgotten, and Cas looked away.

“Everything looks and smells delicious,” Cas said truthfully, mostly for a distraction.

“Dean’s meatloaf is amazing. I promise you will love it,” Lisa assured him.

“Is it your mother’s recipe?” Cas asked Dean, slightly excited and hoping for the answer to be “Yes.”

“Mostly. How’d you – oh. Shit, I totally forgot. You were there, huh?” Dean said, putting down the last dish and then taking a seat. “When she was teaching me?”

“We had just finished junior year when she agreed to teach him to make it,” Cas told Lisa as he spooned mashed potatoes onto his plate. “I ended up coming over at the last minute, but once she’d set her mind to teaching him, she wasn’t going to go back on it, so I got to watch too.” He shook his head. “I didn’t really pick it up, though, I’m sad to say.”

“Well, you were family to her, so she woulda taught you eventually, anyway.” Dean laughed. “I remember I used to tease her when you’d come over that her favorite son had arrived.”

“You were close with his mom, then?” Lisa asked.

“I was. She’s actually making me dinner herself later this week.” His plate was now full of meat and vegetables, so he took a bite. “Oh, my God, Dean. Please don’t admit this to Mary, but I think this is better than hers.”

Dean laughed. “Oh, she knows. She made me give her _my_ recipe the first time she tried this.” He took a bite, still grinning.

* * *

 

When Cas left, Dean collapsed on the couch, happy and exhausted. Who knew posing for pictures would take so much out of a guy? Despite the minor tension with Lisa, it had been a pretty good day. Lunch had smoothed over most of their issues and they’d gotten along since it started.

Still, as Lisa made her way over to the couch, Dean knew he had to tell her the truth about who Cas had once been to him. He wasn’t sure if now was the best time, but if he waited, he knew he’d put it off and not tell her at all. He only hoped she’d understand and not get really angry with him about it.

“Hey, what’s got you looking so serious over here?” she asked as she sat next to him.

He let out a heavy breath. “I need to be honest about something.”

She frowned slightly, but said evenly, “All right. What is it?”

“I told you Cas and I were friends and that we hooked up, but that’s not strictly…” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Well, that’s not the whole truth.”

She sat back a little on the couch. She looked concerned, but not angry, at least so far. “Okay, then. What _is_ the whole truth?” Her voice gave nothing away, but Dean knew that didn’t necessarily mean she wasn’t upset.

“Cas and I were a couple. Back in high school. We, uh, we broke up when he went to college and I couldn’t go. I mean, not right away, but…that’s what tore us apart.” He cleared his throat, trying to figure out how to explain why he hadn’t told her before she actually asked. He took too long, however.

“So why wouldn’t you just tell me that? How many other relationships have you kept secret?” There was hurt in her voice now and maybe an undercurrent of anger.

“None, babe, I swear. I just…the thing with Cas…it was different. It really fucked me up.”

Her frown this time seemed to hold more concern than anger. "Fucked you up, how? Why? Was it a bad breakup?"

Dean laughed. "I'd say it was bad, yeah. I didn't talk to him for about 3 years and until we saw him at dinner, I'd only spoken to him a handful of times since the day we split up." He shook his head. "But it wasn't bad the way you mean. He didn't do anything to me and I didn't do anything to him." 

Dean sighed and sat up straighter, turning so that he wasn't really looking at Lisa anymore. He dropped his arms onto his knees and looked down at his feet. "Cas and I were best friends. Like, close as we could be. And then we fell in love...my first love. His first love. I'd kissed a few girls at that point, but that was about it. I don't really remember about him." He stared at the floor like it was a portal back in time. "It was picture perfect. We didn't fight, really. We thought we had it all. We had our futures planned. And then dad's accident..." He trailed off as he tried to rein in his emotions. "Well, it took that future away. We still loved each other, but the distance was tearing us apart." He shrugged. "So we split up."

She put a hand on his shoulder, comforting. "So why didn't you tell me?"

He turned his head to look at her without raising up. "The only people I know who knew what happened are the people who were there when it was happening - me, mom, Sam and Charlie. And now you." He looked away again. "I always felt like what he and I had...I didn't want anyone else looking at it and picking it apart. It was special and I didn't want anybody coming in and saying it wasn't. That I'd missed something and it really wasn't as great as I thought."

Lisa pulled her hand back slowly. He glanced up to see that she seemed to be processing everything. Finally, she asked, “Why did you decide to tell me now?”

“Because I realized that if we’re going to be married, I can’t keep something like that a secret. Especially since he and I are friends again. I should have told you before he came over today, but I knew these pictures were important to you and I didn’t want to ruin that for you.”

He turned his body back toward her now that he wasn’t talking about the past anymore. “I don’t have those kinds of feelings for him anymore. Being with you has helped me put it further in the past too. It’s just that I never got to have closure on what happened between us back then. Now that he’s back, I feel like maybe I’m finally getting that, so I can put it behind me for good.”

She nodded. “Okay, then. I get why you kept it to yourself. I don’t like it, but I get it.” She pointed a finger at him. “But you should know by now you don’t have to hide things from me.” She stood up. “I think I’m gonna go read. You need anything before I head up?”

“Well, a hug might be nice,” Dean said, hoping her seeming lack of anger was to be trusted.

She smiled. “I can do that,” she said, bending down to embrace him. She kissed his temple. “I’m glad you’ve got your friend back, Dean.”

After she went upstairs, he decided to call his mom and finalize their dinner plans. He couldn’t remember if she worked that afternoon or not, but he figured she could call him back, if she wasn’t able to answer. However, she picked up on the third ring.

“Hey, sweetie! Did you have fun getting your picture taken?”

“Hey, Mom. Yeah, it was nice. I think Cas did a really good job. He showed us the thumbnails and it was hard to tell, but I know he takes good pictures.” He shifted to stretch his legs out on the couch. “You looking forward to dinner with him and getting _your_ picture made?”

“Definitely! I have missed that boy, Dean, I really have. I didn’t get a chance to talk to you about this the other day, but you don’t know how happy it makes me that you two are friends again.”

Dean could hear the sincerity in her voice and knew she meant it for him as much as herself. “I know, Mom. He was your favorite son, I remember,” he teased with the long-unused joke.

Her laugh was delighted. “Oh, I’d forgotten about that,” she said. “But really, Dean,” she said more seriously. “There’ve been so many times through the years when I’ve wanted to talk to him. Or talk _about_ him. I hated watching you go through the breakup, but I didn’t enjoy going through it, either.”

“I know. Neither did Sam. They were friends too. I tried to tell Sam it was okay to stay in touch with him, but he said would have it felt like he was being disloyal to me.” He shrugged even though she couldn’t see. “I’m sorry, Mom.”

“Dean, you don’t need to apologize. Your brother and I did just fine. And it _did_ feel disloyal to even think about calling him. So we didn’t. And that,” she said. “Is why I’m happy he’s back now.”

“So am I and I’m glad you two are having dinner.” He cleared his throat. “Well, hey, speaking of dinner, though, when would be a good time for me and Lisa to swing by?” he asked, hoping to change the subject to something less intense.

“I’m off Friday night. Is that a good night for you?” she asked.

“I think so, yeah. Lisa and I don’t have plans, anyway. I’ll let her know. Anything I can bring?” He was starting to get sleepy lying on the couch, so he sat up.

“No, I don’t think so. What do you want for dinner?”

“Whatever you want to make is fine. Oh, you might not wanna make meatloaf for Cas, if that’s what you were thinking of. That’s what I made us for lunch today,” he said.

“Oh, you little sneak! Well, that’s all right. Maybe I’ll make tacos – oh, hold on a second, I’m getting a text.” He heard slithering noises against the phone as she pulled it away from her face to check the message. “Oh, that little sweetie,” he heard her say. “Okay, I’m back. That was Cas.”

“Oh, yeah? What’d he have to say? Or is that none of my business?” he asked, half joking.

“He told me you’d made him meatloaf because he wanted to let me know how much he’d missed it. And he said not to worry if that’s what I’d planned on making because he’d be more than happy to have it again.”

“That’s nice. And kinda weird,” he added, meaning the timing of the message.

She laughed. “Not really. Don’t you remember how often he seemed to know when we were talking about him back then? Or how he’d bring up something we’d just been talking about?”

“Oh, yeah! Man, I’d forgotten that. You be sure and tell him he’s doing it again. I bet he’ll get a kick out of it.” Then he yawned. “Well, hey, I think I’m gonna take a nap. I’m pretty worn out. See you Friday. I love you.”

“I love you, too, sweetie. Enjoy your nap. Bye.”

He hung up and made himself get up off the couch. He slowly made his way up the stairs to the bedroom. He found Lisa lying on the bed, her book open on her chest. She was sound asleep. He pulled the book off of her and set in on the table. Then he grabbed a throw from the foot of the bed and covered her up.

He kicked off his shoes and peeled off socks, pants and his over shirt. Once he was in his T-shirt and boxer briefs, he climbed under the covers and curled onto his side. He nuzzled into the pillow, scratching his nose and closing his eyes.

He was thinking about how much fun he’d had hanging out with Cas today. Cas had seemed to get alone well with Lisa too, which Dean thought was good. He was surprised to hear how much his mom had missed Cas – and yet not really. Looking back, the two of them had been incredibly close. He felt he’d been pretty selfish all these years, never allowing his family to talk about Cas after the first few weeks.

He was drifting close to sleep now. He was almost comfortable, but he needed to shift before he could fall asleep. He rolled over, toward the warm lump on the other side of the bed. He snuggled up against it, consciousness seeping from him so slowly he hardly noticed the beginning of its absence.

He really was glad to have Cas back. It felt good to spoon him like this again, Dean thought. Having him nestled up against Dean. He just felt so right in Dean’s arms. No one else had ever felt so perfect. Although, if he was honest, Cas didn’t feel very perfect right now. He wasn’t bent right or something. Dean tried to shift him and in doing so woke up enough to open his eyes.

When he did, he saw long dark hair, and that snapped him back to full wakefulness. He felt guilt flood him. He wasn’t responsible for his dreams, of course, but he’d mistaken Lisa for Cas in his sleep and in his vulnerable state it felt like he had betrayed them both. His mind wanted to examine what had just happened, but Dean wouldn’t let it.

He sighed and rolled back to the other side, hoping sleep would came again and take him out of his head for a little while. He absolutely refused to let thoughts of Cas remain in his mind. It was a hard command for his brain to follow and it took him nearly half an hour to fall asleep again.

* * *

 

Cas pulled up in front of Mary Winchester’s house and was amazed by how familiar it still seemed. The yard had been completely redone and the house was a totally different color with new shutters. Yet the property still looked similar enough to cause him a pang of nostalgia and longing.

Walking up the stepping stone path made him feel eighteen again. His heart started to race like it did back then, as though he expected the last ten years to have been a dream and for teenage Dean to come out the front door to meet him. When he knocked and Mary answered, the sadness he felt was echoed in her face.

“Cas,” she said, opening her arms. “I’ve missed you so much,” she said into his hair as he stepped into her embrace.

“I missed you too, Mary,” he said softly. He pulled back so he could look at her and smile. “I’ve missed this house and Sam too.”

“And Dean,” she said, and her eyes were far too knowing for Cas’s liking.

Still, he couldn’t lie to the woman who’d been a better mother to him than his own. “And Dean,” he said.

“I’m going to say one more thing about it and then I’ll drop it and we’ll talk about happier things, I promise, all right?” she asked.

“All right,” he agreed.

She shook her head as she led him into the kitchen. “I cried more over your breakup with Dean than I cried over my own divorce. And believe me, despite everything he did, losing John wasn’t easy.” She pulled him into a one-armed hug. “Having to watch Dean lose you, though, and knowing you were going through the same and I couldn’t do anything for either one of you…” She trailed off, shaking her head again. “It was awful. And I’ve had to keep that to myself all these years.”

He turned in her arms, so that it was a full hug again. He squeezed her tightly and then stepped back. “It was a bad time for all of us, I’m sure of that. But we’re here together now and that’s what I’d rather focus on.”

She smiled at him sweetly. “Of course. Well, listen,” she said, putting the lid back on the vegetables she’d been checking. “I’m afraid I got a little behind with dinner, so we’ve still got about twenty minutes or so before we can eat. How about you take a picture of the two of us while we wait?”

“I’d like that,” he said sincerely, a warm smile spreading across his face. “I’ll go get my things form the car.”

“Here, I’ll help,” Mary said, following him.

“No, I’ve got it,” he told her, but she followed him anyway. “You Winchesters really aren’t good at letting people be independent, are you?” he asked with a laugh.

“We Winchesters aren’t good at letting other people carry burdens alone when we could help,” she said.

“But you insist on carrying your own all by yourselves,” he admonished, handing her the bottle of wine he’d forgotten in the car.

She shrugged. “I never said we were perfect,” she said with a grin. “Now come on, let’s get this stuff inside and take our picture. I can take it to work and tell everyone you’re my handsome new boy-toy.”

“I should be so lucky,” Cas said, earning himself a brilliant smile from Mary.

They got everything inside and then spent the next ten minutes getting what Cas thought were some very good shots of the two of them. He honestly couldn’t wait to develop them. He’d be keeping copies of them for himself.

They returned to the kitchen so that Mary could check the food. They stood quietly for a few minutes, but then Mary suddenly said, “You know, Dean’s never been close to another guy, since you?”

“No, I didn’t realize,” Cas said, though now that he thought of it, Benny had been the only guy he’d seen Dean with in all the intervening years.

“Wasn’t really close to anyone for a long time. I mean, he tried with Cassie, but he was really just faking it. They were the only ones who couldn’t see it.” She shook her head. “Don’t even get me started on Benny. Dean didn’t even try.” She glanced over her shoulder at Cas from where she stood at the stove. “I thought maybe he and Ann Marie had a chance, but something happened there. It ended badly.”

She stood there, seemingly lost in thought for a long while before Cas finally broke the silence to say, “But now Dean’s got Lisa and he seems very happy. That must make you feel better, right?”

Mary smiled and stared down at the pan of vegetables she was stirring. “Of course it does. Lisa is great.” She waited a few more stirs and then said, “I’ll admit, I couldn’t help being a little disappointed when they got engaged, though.”

He frowned at her in confusion. “Disappointed about what? Surely you’re happy he’s found something like that?”

“I suppose a part of me always hoped that you’d come back and the two of you would finally be together again.” She transferred the vegetables to a serving dish. “Don’t get me wrong. I love Lisa. She’s done a lot for Dean and they’re good together. I just don’t think…” She pressed her lips together. “No, never mind. I shouldn’t be saying any of this.”

“Mary. Dean’s _happy_. That’s all I’ve wanted to see for the last ten years. He was miserable every other time I saw him.” Deep down, Cas really wanted her to continue speaking, to say how much she wished Dean was with him instead of Lisa, but it was wrong and he wouldn’t ask her to go on.

“He is happier than he’s been since the two of you broke up, that’s true enough, Cas.” She hesitated, as she pulled the meatloaf from the oven.

“But?” he asked against his better judgment, sensing there was more she wanted to say.

She chewed her lip as she set the dish on the table and came back for the vegetables. “I shouldn’t say anything. I know I shouldn’t.” She sighed. “But I have to. The truth is, he’s happier than he was, but he’s still not _as_ happy. He and Lisa are good together, but they’re not _as_ good together.”

“As happy as he was with me and as good together as he and I were, you mean,” Cas said, feeling simultaneously sad and overjoyed. “Mary, I can’t –“

“I know, Cas. I know. You’d never make a move on an engaged guy and you shouldn’t. I’m not saying you should. I’m just saying, if you still feel any of what you used to feel, then I hope he sees that truth for himself soon. About not being as happy as he could be.” Mary finished putting everything on the table and gestured to Cas to take a seat.

Cas thought back to the previous weekend and shook his head. “I think you’re wrong about how happy he is. I saw them together on Sunday. Cuddling and kissing and being romantic. I think they are plenty good together. Let’s drop it, all right?”

“Did he look at her like he could move all of heaven and earth if only she asked him to?” Mary asked quietly.

“Mary, please,” Cas said in a shaky voice. “Don’t. You said you were going to say one thing and then we would talk about happier things. Can we do that now?”

She sighed. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I just got swept up in the idea. I love you both so much. But I’ll keep it to myself. Let’s eat!” she said with a smile.

They dug into their food, Cas making an appreciative noise when he tasted the meatloaf. “Oh, Mary. This is heavenly. Dean made it the other day, and it was amazing, but I think this is even better.” He wasn’t just being nice. It was truly even more delicious.

“Flatterer,” she said, but she was smiling, pleased.

“We’ll see just how flattered you feel when I’ve had four helpings and can’t get out of my chair,” he teased.

She laughed in delight and tucked into her own with pleasure. “It _is_ pretty good,” she said.

“Well, keep in mind I haven’t had it for years. To me it tastes like ambrosia.” He could tell she was looking at him sadly because of what he’d said, but he continued eating and ignored it until she finally looked away. “I’ve tried quite unsuccessfully to make the original recipe. I feel like I remember everything you showed me, but it never tasted the same.”

She smiled and lifted her glass to drink. “Well, I’ll have to show you again, won’t I?” She leaned forward conspiratorially. “Maybe I’ll even show you how I tweaked Dean’s version,” she said with an upward pop of her eyebrows.

He laughed happily. “Thank you for inviting me over, Mary. I hope we’ll see a great deal of each other now that I’m back in town.”

She dropped her head to the side, obviously touched. “I would really, really like that, Cas.” Then she smiled again, head straight. “Now hurry up and eat so we can take more pictures!”

A little while later, as he was tilting her head just so for the camera, she said, “You haven’t asked me about John.”

“I assumed,” he said, walking back to the camera, “that you would tell me about it, if you wanted me to know.” He raised a finger. “Look right here.” He took the picture and then took another. “It’s not really my place to ask.”

He walked over to get her into a new pose. “He’s cleaned up his act now. I think Sam expected for us to get back together when John quit drinking, but that wasn’t going to happen. He wasn’t willing to fix it to save our marriage, so what if he fixed it afterward?” She waved a hand as he walked back to the camera. “I’m not angry anymore, but I’m not in love anymore, either.”

“The accident did much worse things than leave John in a wheelchair, didn’t it?” he asked, not looking at her. John had lost the use of his legs and his marriage; Cas had lost his first love; Dean had lost that and his future plans for college and career. And Mary had lost her husband and father of her children. Sam might not have lost any of those things, but he’d had to watch everyone he cared about suffer through their losses. It had left none of them untouched.

“Yes, it did.” Then she brightened. “But tell me about you, Cas, how did you become the successful photographer I see before me today?”

He smiled. “I was very fortunate. I interned with a successful photographer in New York and then when I came here, my…friend, Balthazar knew enough people that word of  mouth was almost as effective as the ads I paid for before I got here.”

“Why the hesitation when you said friend?” she asked, ever perceptive.

Cas sighed as he set up a new gel and then moved the camera and lights around. “He and I were dating when I moved here. We broke up last week.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Cas, I didn’t realize.”

He waved off her sympathy. “He is the one hurting. He broke it off because I wasn’t in love with him. He says we will go back to being friends, but I’m not certain he means it.”

“You were friends before you dated?” she asked, shifting the way he directed.

“Yes. Then we were together for about six months or so. I feel bad that I’m not more upset about the end of it, but…it wasn’t going anywhere. Deep down I knew that.” He took a few more shots, having her turn this way or that to get the right angle.

“He was more attached than you, then?”

“Yes, unfortunately. And he isn’t the sort to get attached easily, which makes it worse,” he said with a frown.

“Well, I hope he can bring himself to be your friend again. Lord knows, if you and Dean could have managed that…sorry.” She mimed a zipper. “I swear I didn’t mean to say it.”

He smiled fondly and shook his head. “It’s fine, Mary. I know you mean well. Are you ready to look through all the thumbnails now?” They sat on the couch together and looked at the photos until it was time for Cas to pack up and head home. He had enjoyed the visit, but it would be some days before he recovered from all Mary had shared with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments keep me going. ♥


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lisa laughed. “Yes, Dean, we all know pie is the real love of your life.”
> 
> “What can I say? Pie understands me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to take a moment to give a shout out to the people who've been making my life brighter lately, by filling up my comments with love and pictures and encouragement. In no particular order: Twist and Dana and Amy and Monica and Nani and Moose and Princess and Porcupine and NoWill and anyone else whose name is currently just outside my memory banks, (getting drunk, probably) thank you so many. I ♥ u!!

Dean had a hectic day at work, so he was running late to dinner with his mom. That meant he was in a pretty piss-poor mood. The last thing he wanted, therefore, was to get a call from Lisa, saying Shelly had yet another crisis.

“Dean, please don’t be mad, but I’ve got to go get Shelly –“

“Lisa, we talked about this,” he said, and he knew his anger was loud and clear.

“I know, Dean, but this really _is_ an emergency. She’s stranded on the side of the road, with the kids. What do you want me to do? Leave them there?” A little anger had cropped up in her voice too.”

Dean sighed. “Fuck. Are you coming at all?”

“Yes! I’ll be there as soon as I get her dropped off. I’m just going to be a little late, I promise,” she said, tone placating now.

“The next time, she’d better be on fire or you’d better keep our plans, Lisa. You promised me.” He hung up without waiting for her to answer.

He knew that Shelly’s kids needed Lisa right now and that was the only reason he wasn’t continuing to argue about it. Dean didn’t ask for much, he really didn’t, but when somebody promised him something, they’d better hold to it. Loyalty and honesty were important to him. Maybe the most important things.

He pulled into his mom’s driveway and forced himself to relax. He put on a smile - that would be genuine enough once he saw his mom - and got out of the car. He walked up the drive with the bottle of wine he’d brought with him.

“There’s my beautiful boy!” she exclaimed as she threw open the door. He was pulled into a hug and squeezed like it had been months instead of a few days. “I’m so glad you’re here!” she said, dragging him inside. “Ooh, nice,” she said as he handed her the wine.

“Hey, um, Lisa’s gonna be a little late. Her friend had car trouble or something and she had her kids with her. She’ll be here as soon as she can. Sorry.”

“Well, that just gives me more time to talk to my gorgeous son, doesn’t it?” Mary said, taking it all in stride. “And don’t worry, I did keep my promise and make you a pie,” she told him with a smile as she led him to the couch. “I’m going to go turn some things down and get us a couple of beers. You wait here.”

Dean sat on the couch in his childhood home and felt the stress of the day leeching out into the cushions. The sounds and smells from the kitchen were as familiar as the décor in the room around him. It was comforting and set him at ease. He wondered if Cas had felt comforted when he visited. He hoped so.

Before he could get too far into that line of thinking, his mother stepped back into the room. She held an open beer out toward him and they clinked necks after he took it. They took their first sips as she settled in beside him on the couch.

“Mm,” she said as she swallowed. “Did you get your proofs from Cas yet?”

“Yeah, he sent them the other day. I can show you on my phone, if you want.” He wasn’t sure he wanted to, though.

“Mine first! He sent them this morning and they are fantastic. I’m gonna order every single one of them, I swear,” she said with a grin as she grabbed her laptop from the coffee table. “Here, look,” she said after she’d booted it up and gotten to her photos.

Dean smiled and started flipping through the pictures of his mom. “You really are beautiful, you know,” he said as he looked through pretty picture after pretty picture.

“Dean Winchester, you hush your mouth,” she said, but he could tell she was pleased.

He wasn’t prepared for the little punch in his gut when he saw the first picture of her and Cas together. He looked as at home on this couch as Dean felt. For just a second, Dean wished he was here right now. Then Dean shoved his thoughts aside as disloyal and continued flipping through the photos until he reached the end.

“Hey, listen, when Lisa gets here, don’t ask whether we’ve set a date yet, ok? I know you mean well, but it just feels like pressure, you know?”

His mother raised an eyebrow as she sipped her wine. “All right,” she said but did not lower her brow.

He cleared his throat and changed the subject quickly. “Those pictures are great. I’d like a copy of some of them. One of you and Cas, too.”

Mary gave him a piercing look that made him feel uncomfortable. He knew that look from years of being on the receiving end of it. It meant trouble, he was sure of it. He raised his eyebrows at her, but waited for her to speak.

“How are you doing, with him being back in town?” she asked, getting straight to the heart of things.

“I’m okay,” he said, and it was true, but it wasn’t the full truth and they both knew it. “It’s great. And it’s…not so great.” He’d never been good at lying to his mother about his feelings. “I’m glad me and him are friends again, but it does mix me up a little bit, I’ll be honest.”

“He and I,” she corrected gently. “Confusion because you still have feelings for him?” she asked bluntly.

“What? Mom, it’s been ten years. And I’m with Lisa. Not current feelings. Just…you know…I think about back then and it…it makes me sad sometimes,” Dean admitted, ignoring the pang in his chest that came whenever he had those thoughts.

“I love Lisa, Dean, you know that. And I only want you to be happy.” She looked at him searchingly until he nodded. “I guess I just always hoped that someday Cas would come back and you two would work it out.”

“Mom!” Dean said, shocked.

“Oh, Dean, I’m not suggesting you cheat on your fiancée, for heaven’s sake. I’m just saying there’s a part of me that wishes things were different.” She huffed a sigh and looked down at the coffee table. “If someone had told me that choosing your father would have led where it led, I wouldn’t have changed a thing. I loved him enough to tell my parents to go to hell and I kept on loving him right up until the moment I realized that he wasn’t really him anymore.”

Dean wasn’t sure what to say, so he just looked at her, frowning slightly, waiting for her to go on.

“You don’t pick the love of your life, is what I’m saying. And sometimes what seems like the right thing isn’t the best thing for everyone involved.”

“Mom, I don’t –“ He was interrupted by a knock on the door. “That’s probably Lisa, I should get it.”

His mom waved him back down when he tried to stand. “I’ll get it. But I misspoke. There is one thing I would change. I would stop your father from going out the night of his accident, to make sure you got to go to college with Cas and the two of you never broke up.” She walked to the door without another word.

Dean felt tingly all over, as adrenaline rushed through him. He was not prepared for his mother’s reaction to Cas being back. Not at all. He hadn’t expected her to basically say she wished it was Cas instead of Lisa he was going to marry. He’d spent so long trying to get over his break up with Cas. Now it turned out apparently his mom never had.

“Hey, babe. Sorry I’m late,” Lisa said as she walked in the room.

“It didn’t take as long as I expected,” he said, forcing a smile he didn’t feel.

“Yeah, well, her idea of stranded isn’t the same as mine. She has AAA and they were already on the way when I got there.” Considering she’d apparently been lied to, she didn’t sound all that upset.

Dean felt his own face get hot. Because they were in his mom’s house, he held onto his temper, but only just. “We’ll talk about this later,” was all he said. “Hey, mom, what can I do to help with dinner?”

“Oh, I’m sure I can find something. Lisa, you grab a spot on the couch. You want a beer? I think Dean and I are ready for fresh ones.”

Dean could see by his mother’s face that she knew something was going on. Sure enough, no sooner than the kitchen door swung shut behind them than she was asking him about it in a hushed voice.

“Why do you look ready to spit nails?” she asked, as she started pointing at dishes she needed him to get out of the glass fronted cabinets.

So while they got food into casserole dishes, he explained to her all about Shelly. She was frowning by the time he was done. To his surprise, though, she said nothing about it until after she sent him into the living room with a beer for Lisa. When he got back, the last item was plated and ready to take into the dining room, but she stopped him before he could load up with things to carry.

“Dean, I love you. Your happiness is twice as important to me as my own. Be sure you’re making the right decision. Okay? Newly returned ex-boyfriends aside, please, _please_ make sure this is the best choice for you.” She gave him a beseeching look and walked to the dining room, carrying the biggest dish before he could take it.

Dean was quiet all through dinner. His mother likely knew why, while Lisa probably assumed it was because of the Shelly situation. He was a little bit angry over a lot of things at the moment, though. Not just Shelly. He was a little angry about that. Okay, maybe a lot angry about that – at Shelly _and_ Lisa. A little angry with his mom for the things she said. And a little angry at himself for wondering if she was right.

He loved Lisa. He’d loved her enough to be able to picture them together in the future. Only maybe it was a little harder than it used to be to imagine it. And maybe he’d been trying to pretend it wasn’t. And maybe Cas being back and his mom apparently not loving Lisa as much as she said, either were fucking with his head.

He needed some time and some space to think about all of it. Which it wasn’t exactly easy to get, given that he lived with Lisa. And he now he could add being a little bit angry at Charlie for being right to his growing list.

Thankfully, things smoothed out when they all went back to the living room after dinner was over. His mom had him load up his email on her laptop, so that they could look through the proofs from Cas. It grounded him, seeing himself with Lisa. They looked good. Cas had done a fantastic job.

They left shortly after that and headed home in their separate vehicles. Lisa called him once they were on the road, though. Apparently her attitude had not been as cavalier earlier as it had seemed.

“Hey, babe. Couldn’t wait ten more minutes to talk to me again, huh?” he teased.

“You dork. No, I just wanted to go ahead and clear up the Shelly thing. I know you were mad earlier and I don’t blame you. I didn’t want it to be obvious in front of your mom, but I was pretty pissed at Shelly. I actually told her not to call me for a while.”

Dean felt bad for his reactions earlier. “Oh. Well, good. I’m sorry you had to drive out there for nothing,” he said.

“No, I’m sorry I didn’t keep my promise and made you and your mom wait to eat.”

“Ah, don’t worry about it,” he said. “I wasn’t late for pie and that’s really all that’s important,” he teased.

Lisa laughed. “Yes, Dean, we all know pie is the _real_ love of your life.”

“What can I say? Pie understands me.”

Lisa snorted. “I’m hanging up now. See you in a few minutes.”

* * *

 

Cas finished developing the last of the Winchester pictures and hung them up to dry. While he was always professional and strived to do his best, since he was passionate about his work, he knew he’d put in just that little bit more effort, both for Mary’s photographs and for Dean’s.

It wasn’t about impressing them. Or at least, that was only a minor reason. He always wanted his clients to be pleased, of course, but in the Winchesters’ case, he wanted them to be genuinely _happy_ with the pictures. He wanted them to smile every time they looked at the photos he’d taken and developed and tweaked for them.

He left the dark room and went in search of food. He’d gone in right after breakfast and he’d been at it for hours. He washed up in the spare sink and then dug through the fridge until he found the makings of a sandwich. He normally tried to make something more well-rounded when he didn’t have appointments, but he was too hungry today. He was just finishing his last bite when his phone rang.

He expected to see Bal’s name, since he’d talked to him a few days before and they’d talked about getting together soon for drinks. Bal had seemed better than Cas had expected and he was relieved. He didn’t like to think that he had hurt his friend irreparably.

When he picked up his phone, however, he saw that it was actually Mary Winchester calling. He picked up with a smile on his face.

“Hello, Mary. This is a pleasant surprise. I just finished developing your photos. I think you’re going to be very happy,” he said.

“Oh, I am more than sure I’m going to love them,” she said. “Listen, I called for two things. One, I found out what day Sam is coming and it’s day after tomorrow. In case you want to drop by and see him while he’s here.”

“If you think he’d like to see me, I’d love to. Obviously not on Thursday, but once he’s had time to see everyone first.” He was excited at the prospect of seeing Sam again. It had been too long.

“Well, you can forget that idea because I told him you had moved back to town and he told me to ask you to come over for dinner the night he gets in,” she said primly.

Cas laughed. “’In case I want to drop by,’ huh?” he teased.

He could hear the smile in her voice when she said, “Yep, absolutely no pressure.” Then she outright laughed. “Anyway, the other thing was, I wanted to ask you out to lunch tomorrow, if you’re free.”

“I can always make time for you, Mary,” he said sincerely. “Just tell me when.”

They made a plan to meet noon and then chatted for a few more minutes. He promised to be at her house in two days in time to greet Sam and have dinner as well. She made him promise to bring her pictures and then they hung up.

He wished, and not for first or even the first hundredth time that he’d had a mother like Mary. On the other hand, he supposed he had, at least for a few years. Mary had cared for him as much back then as any mother could have. That she still did care for him was testament to how deep her love had gone.

He sent Dean a text, letting him know that his pictures were ready - and that this mother was amazing. Dean was either busy or didn’t feel like Cas’s texts needed more than single-word responses because all he said was “Awesome” followed by “Duh.” 

Cas was getting ready for his next appointment when his phone rang. He picked it up without checking the caller ID and was surprised when Dean’s voice answered his “Hello.”

“Hey, Cas! Hope I’m not interrupting anything. I was just super busy earlier and I had a minute now, so I thought I’d call you back.”

“It’s fine. I’ve got an appointment soon, but I have a few minutes before they are due to arrive. When would you like to pick up your photos? I can bring them with me to Sam’s dinner, if it’s easier for you,” he said.

“Oh, you’re coming to that? Awesome, man. Sammy’ll be glad to see ya.” He hummed thoughtfully, then said, “Um, yeah, bring the pictures to mom’s, if you don’t mind. Lisa is pretty excited and I don’t think I’ll be able to pick them up before then.”

“That’s no problem, Dean. I’d be happy to. The pictures are very good, if I do say so,” he said, smiling.

“Yeah, I bet they are. You had a pretty hot subject. Lisa’s not bad, either,” Dean joked.

“Ten years, same lame jokes,” Cas teased.

“Hey!” Dean said in mock offense. “Nah, you’ve always been great with a camera. Did the pictures of my mom turn out awesome?”

Cas smiled softly. “In that instance, I most certainly had a beautiful subject. The photographs are some of the best I’ve taken and it had little to do with my skills.” He suddenly remembered the time. “I’m sorry, Dean, but I’d better cut this short. My appointment will be here any minute. I will see you at your mother’s, all right?”

“See ya, Cas,” Dean said.

After the two phone calls, Cas was left in a very good mood. He found himself interacting more with the family that came in than he normally would have. Ordinarily, he was just socially adept enough to get good pictures, but on this particular day, he was getting bright smiles out of his clients that were making the photographs even better.

After he was done with work for the day, he had a nice dinner alone, followed by a pleasant chat on the phone with Balthazar. His friend was already talking about a new woman he was thinking of dating, so Cas assumed that meant he was healing. He hoped it wasn’t a front. 

The next morning, he woke up feeling excited for his lunch date with Mary. He truly hadn’t realized how much he had missed having her in his life. She was such a good person to be around, though. She was fun and funny, smart and kind, irreverent and unashamed. She was also fiercely loyal and incredibly generous.

He realized after a minute that he was listing all of Dean’s virtues too. No secret, then, where he had gotten those traits.

He arrived at the restaurant slightly before noon, but Mary was already waiting for him. Her smile was easy to return and her hug even easier. They held on for a long time considering it had only been about a week since they had seen one another.

After they had their drinks and had placed their orders, Mary surprised Cas by asking, “So, what do you know about this Shelly person Lisa is friends with? Anything?”

Cas frowned, mostly in confusion. “Why? Did something else happen?”

“Else?” she asked and he cursed internally. “What happened already?”

“First please explain why you want to know. We both know you could have asked Dean,” he said evenly.

Mary sighed. “Fine. Lisa was late to dinner because Shelly apparently lied about being stranded on the side of the road with her kids. Dean seemed plenty pissed, so I assumed there was more to the story, but neither of them were forthcoming on the details.”

Cas told her all that he knew, including the encounter with Shelly at Ash’s bar. Her frown deepened more and more the longer he talked.

“You must be excited for Sam to visit,” he said to change the subject.

Mary’s face lit up. “Oh, I really am! He didn’t get to come in for Thanksgiving and  he went back early over the summer, so we haven’t seen him in months.” She grinned. “He’s huge, Cas. I think he finally topped out at 6’3”, but he might have grown again, so I’d better shut up.”

Cas laughed. “He always had the most ridiculously large feet. I suppose he grew into them.”

“Oh my gosh, you’re right! He really did,” she said, nodding and sipping from her straw. Her eyelids flew wide. “Oh! I wanna see the pictures! Gimme!” she said, stretching out a hand and making a grasping gesture.

He laughed again and pulled out the folder. “I see patience isn’t one of your strong suits any more than it’s one of Dean’s,” he said as he slid the folder toward her on the table.

“Nope,” she said, unrepentant. She gasped when she flipped open the folder and pulled out the first photo. “Cas, these are amazing! I knew the digital ones looked good, but...wow. Oh, look at us!” she exclaimed as she pulled out the 8x10 of the two of them together.

“I was very pleased with how that turned out. I hope you don’t mind. I made myself a copy as well,” he told her with a small smile. “Also, I was wondering how you’d feel if I hung a copy of this one,” he said, pointing to the next picture in the stack, “up in my waiting room?”

“You wanna hang my face up for people to look at?” she asked, clearly pleased.

“Well, yes, if you don’t mind.”

She smiled at him. “You really know how to make woman feel good, you know that?” Then she got a gleam in her eye and leaned forward to whisper, “Bet you never thought you’d hear _that_!” She winked and cackled gleefully, while Cas tried not to choke on the iced tea he’d been trying to drink.

The rest of the lunch was equally enjoyable and Cas went back to work feeling buoyed.

He didn’t think too much about Sam’s dinner until it was time to start getting ready to go. He felt a little nervous about seeing him again, though he was equally nervous about seeing Dean and Lisa again.

His conversation with Mary during their dinner had brought up all kinds of feelings he’d been trying to suppress. Not to mention Dean had told Lisa about their history after the photo shoot, so their dynamic had shifted.

Still, he wanted to see Sam, so he would get dressed and he would take the photographs - both the ones he’d taken and the ones he’d found and forgotten to share - and he would act like Lisa had no reason to worry about him. He could pretend that all his feelings for Dean were dead and buried. Hadn’t he told himself that his Dean was not the Dean he knew now?

Somehow, he kept getting it mixed up in his head anyway.

It wasn’t until he was once again standing outside the door to Mary’s house that he felt real anxiety. Part of him wanted to turn and run as he realized he had to be in this house, where he had so many memories with this family - with _Dean -_ and do so while watching Dean with his fiancée. He was overcome by sudden nausea. Too late to run though because Sam was opening the door.

“Cas!” he exclaimed and pulled Cas into his long arms. Mary hadn’t been kidding about his size.

“Your mother told me you had gotten tall, but seeing it in person is surprising,” Cas said as they broke apart.

“Yeah, I have grown a little bit,” Sam said sheepishly. “Man, it’s good to see you, though! How’ve you been? Mom showed me some of her pictures. They’re great. I can’t believe you’re living here again. That’s awesome.”

“Sam, sweetie, maybe we should let him in the door before we interrogate him,” Mary said, gently pulling Sam back so she could usher Cas inside and get her own hug. “Hey, Cas. Dean and Lisa aren’t here yet, but they will be soon. You want some wine? I opened the bottle you brought me last time.”

“I’d love some, thank you. I brought a six-pack this time. And some old photos, as well as Dean and Lisa’s portraits.”

“Wow, that must have been awkward,” Sam said, then flushed deep red. “Sorry,” he said and ducked into the kitchen.

Mary let out an exasperated noise and rolled her eyes. “Don’t mind him. One of the brightest minds at Stanford, but no tact whatsoever. Come on, let’s get you liquored up,” she said, winking.

Cas laughed and his nerves finally melted away. Even more than when he’d been here the last time, this felt like coming home. Sam being awkward had actually made things feel less strange. He’d always been prone to speaking before he thought and it was kind of nice that that hadn’t changed.

“To answer your questions, Sam, I’ve been very well. My photography business is really taking off and thank you for the compliment. I moved here to be close to a friend I made in New York. And yes, it was a little awkward taking your brother’s portrait with his fiancée.” He smiled, to show he wasn’t upset. “So, now it’s your turn, Sam. Tell me about school?

* * *

 

Dean tried not to let Lisa see how nervous he was. This would be the first time he’d seen Cas in his mom’s house since Cas had left for college. Cas had spent so much time there even before they’d been a couple and it was going to be strange seeing him there again. To see him with Sam.

On top of all that, this would be the first time Cas and Lisa would be seeing each other since Dean told Lisa who Cas really was to him.

His mom had texted him that the door would be unlocked, so he knocked lightly and walked in, hearing laughter from the kitchen as he and Lisa crossed the threshold. He called out and his mother peeked through the kitchen door.

“Hey, sweetie! Hi, Lisa. You guys want wine? It’s _really_ good,” she said. From her voice and her smile, Dean could tell she’d had more than one glass of it.

He grinned at her. “Well, I get a hug first, don’t I?”

“Well, of course you do!” she said, coming out to wrap her arms around him. She squeezed tight and then beamed at him. “Go get you and Lisa some wine while I say hello.”

He saw his mother draw Lisa into a hug as he headed for the kitchen. Cas smiled when he walked in, sipping on his own glass of wine.

“I’m afraid you’ll have to open another bottle. Sam seems to have finished this one,” Cas said, eyes wide in feigned innocence.

“Hey! Mom had at least two glasses and isn’t that your second one? I’ve only had the one,” Sam protested. Then he frowned. “Wait. No, this is my second one. My bad.” He shrugged and grinned at Dean. “Dean! How’s my big brother?”

Dean got pulled into a bear hug. “Good to see ya, Sammy,” he said when it was over.

He walked over and hugged Cas too. For some reason, it felt awkward, even though they’d done it a few times now. He thought it was because Cas was standing in his childhood kitchen, where they’d spent so many happy days. It made him happy and sad and confused. He was definitely going to need some of that wine.

“Mom, where do you keep your wine?” he called.

“I’m showing Lisa my pictures, I’ll be there in a minute,” she called back.

Cas said, “I think she put the new bottle in the fridge to chill.”

Dean smiled in thank you and pulled open the refrigerator door to find that Cas was correct. He looked around for a minute before Cas held a corkscrew up in front of his face. The dopey grin he was sporting was endearing and Dean couldn’t help smiling back.

“Thanks, Cas,” Dean said as he opened the bottle.

“Man, I didn’t think the three of us would ever be together in this kitchen again. It’s awesome,” Sam said, just as Lisa walked through the door ahead of Mary.

Dean looked up from where he was pouring wine to see her flick a glance at each of them in turn, shooting Cas a small, uncomfortable smile. A quick look at Cas showed an equally awkward smile on his face. _Dammit_.

Sam, however, didn’t seem to find anything weird. “I’ve missed you, man. You don’t know how hard it was, not having anyone to book talk over Dean’s head with,” he said with a grin at Cas.

Dean grabbed at the chance for humor. “Buncha nerds. Reading books _by_ dead guys, _about_ dead guys. And _for_ dead guys, if you ask me,” he said with a smirk as he forewent sipping and took a gulp of wine. It burned, but he knew it would relax the tension in his shoulders.

Lisa laughed. “You read books all the time, you liar. Old books too.”

Dean scoffed. “ _Cuckoo’s Nest_ and Vonnegut aren’t old books. There’s sex, drugs and rock’n’roll in there.”

“Vonnegut is overrated,” Cas said scornfully.

“You never did like Vonnegut, you heathen,” Dean said. “Lemme guess. You’d rather read Nietzsche?”

Cas made a noise of derision. “ _Nietzsche_? I think you know me better than that. I do prefer Tom Robbins, though, for all you say he’s a Vonnegut knock-off.”

“I actually liked _Woodpecker_ , you know,” Dean said.

“You finally read it? I thought _Jitterbug Perfume_ ruined you for all things Robbins.”

“I made him read it, after I listened to a half hour rant about how unnecessary it was to spend so much time describing spunk,” Lisa said.

“He has a point there,” his mother said and Dean felt his face go crimson. “Never did understand why Tom wouldn’t shut up about it in _Jitterbug_. It tastes like mushrooms, we get it. Sheesh. Will you pour me another glass of wine, sweetie?”

Dean was pretty sure his ears were on fire, but he silently poured his mother more wine. He coughed to clear his throat. “Um, anyway, yeah, I thought _Woodpecker_ was pretty good,” Dean said, with a quick glance at Cas.

Cas was smirking, obviously aware of how uncomfortable Dean was. “Mary, you are a treasure, have I mentioned that today?”

Mary waved a hand in the air as she drank a bit more wine. “Some things go without saying,” she said airily. Then she grinned and winked. “Like how spunk tastes like mushrooms.”

Dean snorted. “That’s it, you lush. I’m cutting you off. Sammy, when she’s done, you take her glass away.”

Sam laughed. “You take her glass away. I don’t feel like getting punched tonight.”

“Oh, relax, this is my last glass,” his mom said with a smirk. “Now, who’s hungry? I think dinner should be ready.”

A few minutes later, Dean was staring down at his plate, speechless. “Seriously, mom? How are any of us going to...you know what? Never mind,” he said, his face flushing again as he realized he couldn’t ask the question he’d started.

“These mushrooms are delicious, Mary,” Cas said with feigned look of innocence. “Don’t you think so, Dean?”

“They remind me of something,” Lisa said. “I just can’t think what, though.”

Dean glared at them both.

Sam took a bite and made a face. “I dunno. They kinda taste like spunk to me.”

Dean nearly choked on his wine. He looked to his mother, but she was laughing hardest of all.

He sighed and said, “You’re all assholes.” He stabbed a piece of mushroom violently with his fork and popped it into his mouth. It was delicious. And kind of tasted like he’d just sucked cock. _Fuck_.

Despite his embarrassment, the meal went really well. He realized he hadn’t needed to worry about Cas and Lisa. They got along great. He’d never known Lisa to be particularly jealous in the past, so he wasn’t sure why he’d worried. When he caught himself watching Cas laugh a couple of times, he wondered if he’d expected it because maybe she had something to be jealous about, for once.

He angrily dismissed the idea. He wasn’t a cheater. He loved Lisa. He was just having residual feelings that would fade as he and Cas spent more time together. His brain was still transitioning from thinking of Cas as an ex to thinking of him as a friend. It would take some time.

He realized he’d tuned out of the conversation while he’d been swimming in guilt, and forced himself to pay attention. Unfortunately, there was a brief lull just as he did so and Sam chose to break it with the worst possible question.

“So, Lisa, have you two set a date yet?” Sam asked and Dean cringed.

“Sam, I’m sure you’ll get your save the date notice along with everyone else’s,” Mary said, saving them from an awkward moment. “Come help me get dessert.”

Sam looked confused, but stood and followed her out of the room.

Cas smiled at Lisa and said drily, “Don’t worry. Once you set the date, then everyone will start pressuring you about when you’re having kids.”

She laughed and rolled her eyes. “Can’t wait for that, can you?” she said, turning to Dean.

“Oh, yeah. Sounds like a great time.” He took a sip of wine and smiled. “Can’t wait for the actual kids, though.”

Lisa looked down and laughed. “What, and give up your car? Wouldn’t think you’d be in a rush for that.” There was something odd about her reaction, but he couldn’t pinpoint it.

“Oh, actually, I’ve agreed to buy Baby when the time comes. I always loved that car,” Cas said, distracting Dean from Lisa’s strangeness.

“Wow, really? You know he’s going to overcharge you for it,” she whispered, leaning forward conspiratorially.

Cas laughed out loud. “Don’t worry. I’m fully prepared to blackmail him for a better price.” Then his eyes went wide. “Which reminds me, I brought some old pictures I found. I didn’t know if any of you had copies, so I made extras, just in case.”

“Hey, that’s cool, man,” Dean said.

“Did you bring any of you and Dean when you were dating?” Lisa said, addressing the elephant Dean hadn’t realized he’d been sensing in the room. “I bet you two were adorable. All bright eyes and baby fat.”

“No, I didn’t think it was appropriate,” Cas said, busying himself with finishing the iced tea he’d swapped to during dinner.

“Well, shoot,” Lisa said, visibly disappointed. “Oh, well. Next time.” She smiled at Cas.

“Next time, what?” Mary asked as she came through the door with pie.

“Next time I will bring photos of me and Dean instead of the family photos and pictures of you and me that I brought with me tonight,” Cas said.

Sam walked through with plates and silverware. “Oh, awesome! Are there any of you and me, Cas?”

“I think there is one, yes,” Cas said and Dean felt a little pang of jealousy.

“You know, I used to have the biggest crush on you,” Sam said easily, as though it wasn’t a major confession.

Cas nearly choked on his iced tea, which Dean felt was a more appropriate reaction. He was pretty sure his own jaw was on the floor somewhere. “You...what?” Cas sputtered.

“You didn’t know?” Mary and Sam said in tandem and Dean gawped at them.

“Uh, yeah, I missed it too, apparently. You had a crush on _Cas_? Did I miss your coming out party, buddy?” Dean asked.

Sam rolled his eyes as he started putting plates and forks in front of people’s chairs. “It was mostly a platonic thing. I didn’t wanna sleep with him. I just wanted to sit near him for hours and listen to him talk about books and bees and shit. I always thought I was so obvious. I can’t believe neither of you knew.” He shrugged as he set down the last plate. “I got over it once I met Madison.”

Dean knew his face was comically shocked now, but he couldn’t help it. “Dude! I’d been dating Cas for a year by then!”

Sam shrugged and smiled at Cas. “I was a shy thirteen year old and he was a smart seventeen year old who was really interesting and always nice to me. Whereas _you_ ,” Sam said pointing as he sat back down at the table next to Cas, “were my smartass older brother who wasn’t good enough for him.” For mature emphasis, Sam stuck out his tongue.

Dean laughed at that. “Wow. My own brother.” Then he carefully schooled his expression. “But, hey, I mean, neither of you are dating anyone _now_. Why don’t you go for it, Sammy? You both have my blessing.”

“Dean,” Sam huffed, turning scarlet. “Don’t be an idiot. It was a childhood crush, geez.”

“What’s wrong, Sam?” Dean asked innocently, struggling not to laugh. “Don’t like the taste of mushrooms?”

“Oh, you _dick_!” Sam said, but he was laughing, in spite of the blush that remained on his cheeks. Then he squared his shoulders. “So, uh, Cas, you wanna go out some time?”

“Wait, what?” Dean asked, incredulous.

Cas smiled at Sam warmly and Dean thought he might choke on his own throat. “I’d loved to Sam. Are you free tomorrow night?” Dean felt as though his eyes might actually vacate his head when Cas said, “Perhaps the four of us could go on a double date.”

“That’s a great idea,” Lisa said, betraying him for the second time that night.

“Sweetie,” his mother said. “They’re messing with you.”

Before he could react, she slid a slice of her homemade chocolate pecan pie on his plate. As he watched it land, he forgot any annoyance or embarrassment and just smiled at the gorgeous piece of pastry in front of him.

“Hello, beautiful,” he said to the pie. “And thank you, beautiful,” he said to his mom with an even bigger smile.

After dessert, they all sat in the living room and looked through Cas’s photographs. Most of them were ones that none of them had. In one of the pictures, they realized that Sam was looking at Cas with stars in his eyes and Sam blushed all over again. Cas hugged him and told him he was flattered.

The pictures of him and Lisa were not quite as good as the ones of his mom and Cas, in Dean’s opinion, but they were a close second. Lisa was very happy with them and to Dean that was the most important thing.

It was getting late and Dean had work in the morning, so he and Lisa left shortly after flipping through their last photo. They were given a portrait of Mary to take with them and Dean also got one for his wallet. Dean was happy to hear she was going to be going up on Cas’s wall too.

Lisa seemed subdued when they finally made it into the car after their good-byes. He debated asking her what was wrong, but he decided to wait and see if she would share with him. After they’d made half the drive in silence, though, he figured he’d better say something.

“Lisa, what’s wrong, babe?” he asked, never taking his eyes from the road.

She sighed and reached for his hand. “Dean, I need to tell you something. It’s...well, I’ve been spending a lot of time with Shelly and it’s made me realize that...” She pulled her hand back and pulled her legs up onto the seat. “You’re gonna be so upset with me, Dean.”

A quick glance told him she was tearing up and that was rare enough to have him really concerned. “Lisa, what the hell is it?”

All sorts of scenarios ran through his mind as he waited for her to speak. Was she in love with Shelly? Did she not want to get married? His heart was thundering into panic speed and he didn’t know what to do about it.

“Dean, I still want to marry you, but...spending so much time with Shelly and her kids these past few weeks has made me realize that...I don’t actually want to be a mother.”

In his periphery, he could see her look at him, but he couldn’t look at her. He couldn’t speak, either. Breathing also seemed to be off the table. He felt something on his shoulder and jumped, kicked starting his breathing again.

He looked from the tentative hand she had jerked away when he jumped to her scared face. He had no idea what was showing on his face. Anger? Hurt? Shock? He finally managed to find some words, though his voice sounded like he’d gargled sand.

“How long have you felt this way?”

“For...a while, I guess. I thought at first it would go away, but it didn’t. I don’t think it will. I’m sorry, Dean.”

He made a connection to their conversation at dinner. “That’s why you told me I had to sell the car, isn’t it? You thought I’d choose the car.”

Her silence was all the answer he needed. They rode the rest of the way home without speaking. He just didn’t know what to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pie understands me too. ♥


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He tried his best to forget the stresses of the day, but his mind kept wanting to linger on Dean. Specifically, it wanted to linger on how Dean had looked and smelled tonight. How warm and solid he had felt when Cas hugged him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cas was giving him an odd look when he turned back to him. “What?”
> 
> “You’re a very nice person, Dean. That’s all.” Cas busied himself unfurling his napkin and placing it on his lap, not looking at Dean for the time being.
> 
> UPDATE: I have NO idea why I put the summary quotes in two places. However, now I can't seem to choose between them. So you still get both.

Cas was a little bit relieved when Dean and Lisa left, though he was also sad for Dean to go. It hadn’t been as awkward as he’d feared, but there were a few poignant moments that had caused him an ache in his chest.

Watching Sam and Dean’s brotherly ribbing was one thing that brought back so many memories. Arguing over books was another. Watching Dean’s mood be soothed by pie was the one that got to him the most, though.

Dean had always been a singular creature. He still was, and there was still a tiny sting that he wasn’t Cas’s anymore.

Cas had noted that Lisa was acting strange when the topic of children had come up. He hoped that wouldn’t end in tears, but he suspected it would. If Lisa for some reason did not want children - though he suspected Dean would not have proposed if she had not expressed a previous interest - Dean would probably still marry her. But without children, Dean would never be happy. Dean had always wanted a whole brood of kids.

Cas had all but stopped hoping for that kind of life for himself, but he knew Dean hadn’t. If he was willing to sell Baby, his desire for children was still very strong.

“I hope you weren’t embarrassed by all that crush stuff,” Sam said, coming back into the room and interrupting the maudlin train of Cas’s thoughts.

“Oh, no, Sam. I thought it was sweet. I always considered you a friend, I hope you know that. Not just Dean’s little brother.”

Sam’s smile was bright with pleasure. “Thanks, Cas. That means a lot.” He sat down on the couch next to Cas. “Can you hang out for a while or do you need to get home?”

“I don’t have any early appointments, so I can stay for a while.”

Mary came out of the kitchen just then. “Cas, I’m so glad you came over tonight. It was so much fun. I have to head to bed, but you feel free to stay as long as you like. This is still your home, you hear me?” Her face was stern, but then she smiled and pulled him in for a tight hug.

“Thank you, Mary. Of all my mothers, you’re my favorite,” he said, only half teasing.

“Well, of course I am,” she said with a cheeky grin.

“Eh, I like my other mom better,” Sam teased, earning himself a swat. He grinned and stood up to engulf her in his long arms. “I’m just teasing, Mom. You know you’re the best. I love you.”

“I love you too. Even if you are an ungrateful giant.” Her voice was muffled in his chest. “Good night, my darling boys,” she said as she stepped away and up the stairs.

“You want more iced tea, Cas?” Sam asked when she was almost out of sight.

“That would be nice, yes.”

When Sam came back, Cas could tell he had something he wanted to talk about but wasn’t sure he should. He might be taller now, but Sam was still the same in many ways. Cas found it comforting.

“What is it, Sam?” he asked gently.

Sam laughed. “Am I really that obvious?” When Cas just laughed back, he said, “Yeah, okay, obviously I am. Um, I don’t know. I guess I was just wondering whether or not to say anything.”

“You won’t upset me, if that’s what you’re afraid of.”

“Okay. Good. It’s just...it was weird tonight. Seeing you with Dean, but not, you know, _with_ him. Not a couple.” He scratched his head and flipped back his mane of hair with his hand. “Which I guess is dumb because it’s been a long ass time, right? But, I mean, I guess at least for me, I never got closure, you know? I don’t know if Dean did, either, but me and mom, for us it was like, you went to college and you just never came back. We never really got to say good-bye or...anything,” Sam finished with a shrug.

Cas took a deep breath, staring at his knees. “I never got closure, either, Sam. Not for any of it. Not until now, like you. I had a boyfriend and surrogate family and then suddenly...I didn’t. You were all just...gone. I felt very alone.”

“Aw, man, Cas. I didn’t...I should’ve written or called or something. We just-”

“No, Sam, it’s all right. Dean was your brother. Of course you had to be loyal to him. I’m not angry. I don’t even think I was at the time. I was just...sad. Mostly, back then, all I felt was a Dean-sized hole in my chest,” he said with a small smile. “Though of course I missed you and your mother too.”

“We missed you a lot too, you know. Not just because Dean wasn’t...he wasn’t himself for a long time. Maybe I shouldn’t be saying that.” Sam took a long drink of tea. “But things sucked around here for a long time after you left for all kinds of reasons.”

Cas pulled out his phone. “When I found this the other night, I actually cried a little bit,” he said, showing Sam the picture he’d taken of the photo of him with Dean. “Those were the best days of my life so far, Sam. I hope I have better coming, but some times it’s hard to believe.” He laughed. “We were so lucky to have each other, but we were so unprepared for what life was going to throw at us.” He smiled at Sam. “I’m happy you and I, as well as Dean and I, can be friends again.”

Sam smiled back. “Me too, Cas. I hope we can really go out for dinner or something while you’re here. As friends, obviously,” Sam hastened to add. Then he rubbed his neck. “You know something? The weirdest part of tonight was realizing that you and Dean together _wasn’t_ weird. You weren’t awkward or different. You were the same with each other. Just, without touching.”

“Yes, I have found that to be the case. We fell back into a natural rhythm. It’s nice, but at the same time it’s...confusing,” Cas admitted.

Sam nodded. “Yeah, that’s how it seemed.” He chewed his lip and stared at the floor for a minute. “So, what do you think of Lisa?” Sam asked.

“I think Dean loves her very much,” he said carefully. “I think she’s smart and funny and takes care of her friends.”

“But?” Sam prompted.

“Sam, why don’t you say whatever it is you obviously want to say?”

“I like Lisa. I do. She’s everything you said. And she obviously loves Dean, but...I don’t know, Cas. She just doesn’t quite _fit_. He’s happy enough, I guess, but he’s not...” Sam glanced at Cas and then down at his feet. “He’s not _you_ happy.”

“Sam,” Cas said softly. “As you yourself said, it was a long time ago. Dean’s a different person now. He’s been through a lot. He’s probably never going to be...that happy again.” Cas couldn’t quite bring himself to mention their time together just then.

Sam shook his head. “That’s just it, Cas. That’s what I was trying to say earlier. Seeing you two together, I can see that Dean, just under the surface. I never thought she was right for him and now that I’ve seen him in a room with you both-”

“Sam, stop right there. Just stop.” Cas felt hot tears pricking at his eyes and he stood up, taking a shuddering breath. “Dean is perfectly happy with Lisa. And he’s going to _marry_ her. I can’t think about these things, Sam. It’s hard enough for me to be back here and seeing him with her, without you and Mary saying these things to me.” He grabbed the rest of his things. “Thank your mother again for dinner. I have to go.”

“Wait, Cas, I’m sorry,” Sam said, rising from the couch. “Wait, don’t go.”

“It’s late, Sam, I need to get home before I’m too tired to drive.” Cas wasn’t sure he was tired at all, but he couldn’t stay in this house any longer tonight.

“All right, but please don’t be mad. It’s all the wine talking. I shouldn’t have said anything.” Sam suddenly looked much more like the young kid he’d been when Cas left. “Can I have a hug at least?”

Cas managed a smile and held out his arms. Sam engulfed him immediately. “I’m not angry, Sam. I know you and your mother are only trying to do what you think is best for two people you care about. It’s just not going to happen, though.” He pulled back out of the hug. “Let’s have dinner soon, all right? We can talk about anything other than Dean and Lisa or Dean and me. Deal?”

“Deal,” Sam said with a smile. “Here, let me give you my number.” They exchanged numbers and promised to call or text to set up a time and place to meet. Then Cas headed out into the night.

The truth was, it _had_ been easy, being with Dean tonight. Far too easy, as a matter of fact, to fall back into old patterns. A few times, Cas had caught himself on the verge of flirting and had to pull back. Dean and Lisa, thankfully, either hadn’t noticed or hadn’t cared, but he felt like an ass, anyway.

Dean was engaged. As far as Cas was concerned that was close enough to married to be totally off limits. If she were just a girlfriend, that might be a different story.

Cas shook off that line of thought. It didn’t bear consideration.

He heard his phone go off, but he ignored it until he was in his driveway. He spent the remainder of the drive brooding and trying to distract himself from how gorgeous Dean had looked tonight. He also didn’t want to remember thinking about how Dean hadn’t tasted a bit like mushrooms...

His phone trilled again just as he pulled up in front of his house. He hit the button on his phone to find two texts from Dean.

**> Can we have lunch tomorrow? Need to talk to somebody.**

**> Let me know you made it home safe. We drank a lot tonight.**

Cas took a minute to come up with a reply. Mostly that involved deciding whether or not he would agree to lunch. He wasn’t sure it was the wisest course of action. But Dean was his friend and he said he needed to talk to someone. So Cas would put his ridiculous feelings aside and be there for his friend.

**Home safe. Just tell me where and when for lunch. My first appointment isn’t until 3, so I am open.**

**> Great. Thanks, Cas. It was fun hanging out tonight. **

**> 11am at the same diner ok with u?**

**Fine with me. See you tomorrow.**

**> G’night, Cas**

**Good night, Dean.**

Cas got out of the car and went inside. When he’d first bought the house, he’d thought the deep-set whirlpool tub a bit ostentatious. However, as soon as Bal had convinced him to try it the first time, he’d been hooked. Tonight, a long hot soak in it seemed like exactly what he needed.

He set the water to running and then went into his bedroom to get things ready. He pulled a pair of pajama pants and an old T-shirt out of his dresser. He dropped them on the counter in the bathroom and then checked the water temperature and level. He turned the hot water up a little and started stripping off his clothes. He discarded them in the hamper, walking back to the bedroom with everything out of his pockets.

When that was done, the water appeared to be deep enough and the right temperature for him to get in. He slowly slid into the steaming water, relishing the way the warmth permeated down into his bones. He turned off the taps and floated back to the opposite edge, relaxing back against the side with a soft sigh.

He tried his best to forget the stresses of the day, but his mind kept wanting to linger on Dean. Specifically, it wanted to linger on how Dean had looked and smelled tonight. How warm and solid he had felt when Cas hugged him. Cas could feel his penis start to swell and thicken as he remembered the latter detail, but he ignored it.

He forced Dean out of his head. Instead, he crafted a completely unrelated fantasy in his head. He did his best to concentrate on the body of the person in the fantasy, not allowing his brain to substitute Dean’s face. He gripped himself firmly and started stroking, using his other hand to play with his scrotum gently.

He moaned softly as his fantasy spun out. His pleasure blinded him to the fact that the eyes on his imagined man were now bright green and the skin he imagined biting and licking was covered in a spattering of golden freckles.

When he imagined he heard a whiskey-soaked voice saying his name in ecstasy, he came, semen quickly disappearing as it mixed with the hot water. It was only after he was lying back against the tiles, panting heavily, that he realized the voice had been Dean’s.

“Fuck,” he told the bathroom ceiling.

* * *

 

Dean couldn’t help tapping his foot in a staccato beat as he waited impatiently for Cas to arrive. Dean was early, so it was his own fault he was currently chewing his thumbnail down to the quick, but he couldn’t sit at work any more.

The instant he saw Cas walk in, something inside him uncoiled. He would worry about why later. Right now, he was just grateful not to feel like there were live wires embedded between his shoulder blades. He smiled and stood as Cas walked over.

“Hey, man, thanks for coming,” he said, sitting back down as Cas got there.

“Of course, Dean...is everything all right?” He pointed out the window. “I noticed you as I came past. I’m not sure there’s any meat left on your thumb.” His smile took the sting out of the words.

Dean sighed and slumped in his seat. “No. I mean, well, nobody died or anything, but...I got some rough news.”

Cas sat up and looked at him in concern, blue eyes swimming with apprehension. “What’s happened, Dean?”

“Nothing happened, really. Lisa just said... _fuck_.” He drug a hand across his face roughly. “She said she doesn’t want to have kids.”

Cas legitimately gasped in response. “ _Dean._ Oh, I am so sorry. I...to be honest, I wondered as much when she was talking about the Impala at dinner.”

“Yeah, she seemed kind of disappointed that I was ready to sell it, huh?” Dean acknowledged unhappily. “So, there it is. The big reveal. I don’t know why I dragged you over here to tell you. I guess I just needed to tell somebody who knew how I’d feel about it, without drowning me the way Sam and Mom are probably going to do.”

“Dean, they only want you to be happy. They mean well.” Cas’s sad eyes were almost too much for Dean to take right then.

He did his best to smile. “Yeah. Yeah, I know, Cas. But I don’t think Mom and Sam really like Lisa, to be honest.” He shook his head, “I don’t mean they don’t like her. They like her fine, but they don’t like her _with me_.” Dean looked up at Cas from where he’d been staring at his hands. “I don’t know if you could tell.”

Cas seemed to fidget, which Dean found interesting, but all he said was, “No, I didn’t see anything in their behavior toward her that would indicate those feelings.”

Dean decided to try a shot in the dark. “They said something to you, didn’t they!” When Cas’s gaze flew up to his and his eyes went wide, Dean knew he’d scored a direct hit. “I freaking knew it!”

“Dean -”

“No, don’t. It doesn’t matter. I have to work this out on my own. I love my fiancée and I’m not going to worry about their opinion. I’m the one who has to live with whatever I decide, not them. Not that they seem to acknowledge that.”

The waitress chose that moment to finally arrive and take their orders. She’d taken Dean’s drink order a few minutes after he sat down and he hadn’t seen her again until now. “Any chance that coffee’s coming out soon?” he asked, trying to keep his voice level and not give away how annoyed he was.

She looked shocked. “Oh, my gosh, I’m so sorry! I’ll get that right over. This is only my second day working on my own and I’m not doing so hot so far.” She looked about ready to cry, so Dean took pity on her.

“Hey, now,” he said, reading her name tag. “Emma, is it? Don’t worry about it. You’re new. It’s okay to screw up when you’re new, all right?” He gave her his most charming smile and she blushed before she smiled and nodded.

“Thanks. I’ll get your stuff out as soon as I can, I promise.”

Cas was giving him an odd look when he turned back to him. “What?”

“You’re a very nice person, Dean. That’s all.” Cas busied himself unfurling his napkin and placing it on his lap, not looking at Dean for the time being.

“No reason not to be,” he said gruffly. Then he picked up his own napkin-wrapped silverware and said, “So when you were contemplating whether Lisa wanted kids, did your crystal ball tell you what I should do about it?”

Cas laughed a little. “No, I’m afraid not. I think that part is up to you. Do you know what you want to do?”

Dean sighed so hard he thought he might have hurt his lungs. “No,” he said miserably. “I love her. I planned to spend the rest of my life with her. But I’ve wanted kids since forever. Long enough that _you_ know about it.” He rubbed his nose irritably. “Anyway, Lisa goes away for a yoga workshop after Christmas, so I’m going to hold off on any decisions until I’ve had some time alone to think. Right now, we’re in a holding pattern.”

Cas nodded, but didn’t say anything, except to thank Emma when she returned with their coffees.

“Thanks for listening, man. Sorry to drop this on you. I know it sure as hell isn’t your problem,” Dean said.

“You’re my friend, Dean. I believe that makes it my problem, doesn’t it?”

Dean gave him a warm, if thin, smile. Then he declared the subject off limits for the rest of the meal and they spent another pleasant half an hour talking about the escapades of some of Cas’s more unruly clients.

When lunch was over, they hugged and Dean went back to work. It didn’t take him long to decide that being the boss meant he could take time off. He called Sam to see if he was busy for the afternoon. He wasn’t, so Dean told his crew he was going home early.

Sam was understandably confused when Dean showed up. “Man, I’m glad you’re here, but I don’t think I’ve ever known you to take off work before. Everything okay?”

“Yeah, Sammy, it’s all good. It just suddenly occurred to me that I’ve worked my ass off for too long because I had too. Now that I don’t have to so much, why shouldn’t I take some time off?” He smiled, hoping that none of his stress was showing. He really just wanted a fun day with his brother.

Sam smiled back, happily. “Dude, that’s awesome. Seriously, I’m glad you’re taking that attitude.” He scratched his floppy hair, making Dean snort. “So what do you feel like doing?”

“Don’t care. Just wanna hang with my baby bro. What’s some of that nerdy shit you’re always wanting me to do?” Dean teased.

“Jackass,” Sam said affectionately. “Um, there’s that museum. Or maybe we could do some Christmas shopping? I’m kind of behind on that. Not that I have a ton of people to buy for, but still. Would you mind?”

“Hell, no. I’m behind too, so it’s actually a pretty good idea. Should I get Cas something? Is that weird?” Dean asked, pursing his lips.

“I don’t see why not. I don’t think it’s weird.” Sam grabbed his coat and keys and stepped out onto to the porch. “I’m glad you guys are friends again. Took long enough,” he said with a small smile, shoving his shoulder lightly against Dean’s.

Dean laughed. “Oh, is ten years a long time, Sammy? I hadn’t realized.” He rolled his eyes. “Get in,” he said as they reached the car.

Half an hour later, Dean found himself in the middle of an electronics store, staring at cameras and accessories. He knew it was kind of silly to buy a camera for a photographer. At the same time, it felt like a fitting gift, since he’d bought Cas his first real camera. Then Dean had a better idea.

He convinced Sam to go with him to a few thrift stores, once they were done with the electronics place. It took three stops, but Dean finally found what he was looking for: an old box camera, complete with carrying case and instruction manual. He called the only photography store still in town and confirmed they still sold film for it.

Then he asked the price and nearly had second thoughts. “Maybe I’ll just get him one roll of film and he can get more later if he likes it.”

When he told Sam how expensive the stuff was, Sam said, “Let me get him the film, then. I don’t have him anything. I know he and I just got back in touch yesterday, but mom’s getting him something too, so I don’t want to be the only one who doesn’t have anything for him.”

“Yeah? You sure?” Dean asked, uncertain.

“Of course, dude. Let’s go get it.”

Less than forty-five minutes later, they were done and on the way to take Sam home. If Sam had believed him when he first said he just wanted to take some time off, he’d evidently given himself away at some point since then. No sooner were they back on the road before Sam started grilling him.

“So, what really made you wanna take off work today, man? Come on, you wouldn’t just take off unless you were feeling really good or really bad. And you weren’t exactly jumping for joy while we were out today.” Sam shoved his shoulder with one hand. “Come on. Tell your baby brother what’s really going on.”

Dean sighed. “Okay, yes, something did happen, but I don’t want to talk about it. It’s something I gotta work through on my own and you can’t help. And neither can Mom and if I tell you, you’ll tell her.” Dean flashed a look at his brother. “So can we leave it that?”

“Yeah, Dean. I’m not gonna force you to talk about it. I’m glad you admitted it was something, at least. Will you maybe talk to Charlie about it?”

Dean frowned. He hadn’t told Sam about the falling out with Charlie. It would be easier to just tell Sam yes, but he didn’t want to do that. If he was honest with himself, his falling out with Charlie _was_ something he kinda needed to talk about with somebody.

“I’m not entirely sure if Charlie and I are on speaking terms or not,” Dean admitted after a pause.

“What? Dean. You and Charlie? You’ve been friends since forever!” As always, Sam had a keen grasp of the obvious.

“Yeah, Sammy, I _know_. I was kinda there.” He sighed as they pulled into the driveway. “We had a fight when Lisa moved in with me. She pissed me off and I said some things I shouldn’t have said. She was out of line, but so was I.”

“Dude, that was months ago. Have you talked at all?” He grabbed his bags and got out of the car.

“I called her a few days ago,” Dean said as he pulled his own bags from the back seat and slid out.. We talked a little bit. I apologized, but she didn’t. I’m still kinda pissed off and I don’t know what she’s thinking.”

“Well, shit, Dean, that sucks. Maybe you should call her again. Just see where she’s at. I’d hate for you guys not to work it out,” Sam said earnestly. “What did you even fight about, anyway?”

“About me moving in with Lisa. She thought it was too soon and she was none too concerned with sparing my feelings, either. She said some nasty stuff and that’s when I said the nasty stuff back.” He shook his head as he waited for Sam to open the door.

“She didn’t want you to move in with Lisa? Why? I mean, she didn’t get upset over the proposal, right?” Sam asked.

“Well, no, but according to her, she just kept it to herself. She thinks...” Dean closed his eyes, not wanting to get into this conversation when he had a very real decision to make about Lisa. “You know what? I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

Thankfully, Sam wasn’t in a mood to push. “All right. I really hope you two can patch things up, though. Does she even know Cas is back?” He set his bags down on the dining room table.

Dean nodded. “Yeah, that was mostly why I called her, actually.”

“Okay, well good, then. Now come on. Help me wrap this shit, wouldja?”

As little as Dean enjoyed being forced into manual labor, he was happy that feelings talk time was over. He grabbed tape, scissors and paper and started making wrinkled and uneven packages for his gifts. They made him smile and he forgot his tension for a few minutes as he made them.

* * *

 

Cas was cleaning up after his last client and doing his best not to brood over Dean and Lisa. He knew he wasn't able to be objective on the issue. He didn't necessarily feel like Lisa was right for Dean, but would he ever think anyone was? Anyone who wasn't him, at any rate. And it wasn't as though he felt like she was  _wrong_  for Dean, either. 

Although not wanting children was certainly pushing her into that column, now that he really thought about. 

He sighed as he realized yet again that thinking about it was exactly what he was not supposed to be doing. He turned out the lights in the studio and locked up. As he strode through to the living room, his phone chirped, surprising him. He cursed, knowing he must have bumped the ringer back on at some point. He was grateful it hadn't gone off when he had a client. 

Without looking at the screen he answered with a gruff, "Hello?"

"Darling, you sound dreadful. Have you killed one of those horrible children who wanted their picture made?"

Cas smiled, "Hi, Bal."

“Hello, darling. I’ve missed you. Let’s get together. Are you free tonight?”

“Um, I suppose I am. What did you have in mind?” Cas asked, mentally trying to decide if he was too hungry to wait for a restaurant. Then his phone beeped, signaling a second call. “Oh, hold on, Bal, let me see who’s calling.” It was Sam. “One second, Bal.”

“Hey, Cas. I was wondering if you wanted to go get drinks tonight,” Sam said when Cas answered.

“Oh. Um, I just made plans, but...actually, can you hold on?” If Sam came with them, it would give them a buffer. Cas thought maybe that would keep things from getting awkward between Balthazar and himself. “Bal?”

“Yes, darling, I’m still here.”

“Would you mind if a friend came with us? He’s only in town for a short time, which is why I’m even asking.” It was partially - though not entirely - true.

“Not at all, Cas. The more the merrier!” If Cas wasn’t mistaken, Bal sounded a bit relieved. Maybe he’d been worried too.

They picked a place and then Cas switched back over and confirmed with Sam. Cas had decided that he was too hungry to wait to eat with them, so once he hung up, he walked into the kitchen to make himself a snack. They had agreed to meet in an hour at a place nearby, so that gave him plenty of time.

He ate quickly and showered, but decided against shaving. Bal had always preferred him to be clean-shaven, so he thought it best to have a little scruff tonight. He threw on the first sweater he found, over a pair of very faded jeans. He ran a hand through his hair, hoping that would be enough to tame it. He knew from experience combing it wasn’t very effective in the winter.

When he got to the restaurant, Sam had already arrived, but Balthazar had not. The host wouldn’t seat them until their whole party was there, but he told them they were welcome to sit at the bar until Bal arrived.

The only two available seats were on the corner and they had to sit incredibly close together. Since the bar was playing a basketball game and was also loud, they had to lean even closer to talk to hear each other.

“This might not have been the best idea!” Sam yelled in Cas’s direction.

“It isn’t ideal!” Cas agreed just as loudly.

Sam’s eyes widened and he smiled. “Dean’s here with Lisa! I think we should mess with him like the other night!”

Cas was uncertain, but he thought Dean might be able to use a little distraction from his real problems, so he nodded and asked, “What did you have in mind?”

“Just follow my lead!” Sam said, leaning close and laying his hand on Cas’s forearm. He put a sappy look on his face, laughed, and then yelled, “Oh, Cas, you’re so funny!”

Cas put his hand over Sam’s and they leaned even closer together, just as Cas felt someone walk up behind him.

“Well, ain’t this cozy?” Dean said.

Sam pretended to jump away in shock, jerking his hand from Cas’s arm and yelling, “Dean!” At the look of abject horror on Dean’s face, though, Sam couldn’t hold it together and started laughing.

“Oh, you _asshole_! You saw me coming, didn’t you? Cas, my little brother is always a jackass, but I expected more from you!”

Cas shrugged, grinning. “You shouldn’t have. Hello, Lisa!” he said as she walked into his line of sight.

She seemed subdued. She smiled, but did not attempt to speak above the din. She and Sam exchanged smiles and waves. Dean made his goodbyes and then Cas spotted Bal walking in.

“There’s Bal! I’ll go see if we can get a table now!” Cas told Sam, climbing down from the stool.

A few minutes later, they were seated at a table in another room, far from the noise of the bar. The place was truly a miracle of acoustics, Cas thought. He made the introductions once the waitress had taken their drink orders and gone.

“Pleasure to meet you, Sam. I must say, you look less like your brother than I would’ve expected, but there is a definite resemblance.”

“Nice to meet you too, Balthazar. I look a little more like my dad and he looks more like Mom, I think,” Sam said.

“You know, I hadn’t really considered it before, but you’re right. You do look much more like John. And Dean definitely looks like Mary,” Cas agreed.

“So, tell me, Sam, what are you studying?” Bal asked, just as their drinks arrived.

Cas took a moment to look around the restaurant as he sipped his drink, letting Sam’s words flow past him. He knew what Sam was taking, so he didn’t feel bad for not listening. Then he froze in his seat as his gaze landed on Dean and Lisa. They were clearly having a very quiet but very heated argument in their booth across the room.

Cas dropped his eyes as quickly as he could, but he felt sick as adrenaline surged through him. Apparently he had not averted his gaze quickly enough, however, as Sam noticed his discomfort.

“What’s up, Cas? You okay?”

Cas didn’t want to discuss Dean’s private matters with his brother or in front of Balthazar, but he didn’t know what to say. “I...saw a couple having rather an intense argument. I am merely suffering some secondhand embarrassment, I suppose.”

“Oh, dear,” Bal said. “How unfor- oh. Oh, I see. Yes, that _is_ unfortunate,” he said as his gaze landed in the direction Cas had seen Dean and Lisa.

Sam, naturally, looked too. “Aw, man,” he muttered.

“Well, let’s not let them catch us staring, please,” Cas said. “It’s awkward enough that we saw it without them _knowing_ we saw it.”

“Hi, are you all ready to order?” a loud and overly-chipper voice said from just over Cas’s shoulder, startling him badly enough that he jumped and grabbed his chest. If she noticed, she didn’t comment on it.

“I’ll just have a cheeseburger with extra ketchup,” Cas said, handing her his menu.

Sam got a Caesar salad and Bal got something Cas wasn’t entirely sure was on the menu at all. The chirpy waitress finally took her leave and an awkward silence fell over the table.

After a healthy chug of his beer, Sam finally broke it. “Cas, did Dean say anything to you about Lisa? I went out with him after you two had lunch and he admitted something was wrong, but he wouldn’t tell me what.”

“Then what makes you think I would tell you, even if he did say something to me?” Cas asked. He sighed. “I know you’re worried about your brother. So am I. But he’s a grown man, capable of dealing with his own problems. Besides which, Bal did not come here to discuss Dean all night.”

Sam glanced at Balthazar, chagrined. “Sorry, man.”

“It’s quite all right, Sam. While I don’t have siblings of my own, I’m given to understand they can mean a great deal to each other,” Bal said with warm smile. “Now, you said you had a class on Greek mythology that you were having trouble with?”

“Yeah. I mean, I’ve studied ancient Greece before, so it shouldn’t be this hard, but my professor is kind of a dick,” Sam said.

“Well, if you think it would help you, I’ve got a really great book on the Greeks. I’d be happy to loan it to you,” Bal offered.

“Oh, um, if you’re sure it’s no trouble, that would be really helpful.”

Bal smiled. “Of course. You can come by and pick it up or I can give it to Cas, if that’s more convenient?”

“No, I can come by and get it, no problem. Thank you. I really appreciate it.” Sam’s smile fell as he glanced to the side. “Shit, here they come.”

“Hey, you kids have fun,” Dean said as he walked up. His grin was fake, but Cas wasn’t sure if everyone could tell or just him. “Lisa’s not feeling too well, so we’re just gonna head home.” Dean watched her as she smiled toward the table wanly but kept walking.

He smiled again, more obviously strained this time. “Good to see you again, Balthazar. Sammy, I’ll probably call you tomorrow. Cas, let me know when you wanna have lunch again, all right?” Before anyone could answer, he was following Lisa to the exit.

Cas did his best not to let Dean’s troubles keep him from enjoying the company of either Bal or Sam, but he knew he was probably more subdued than usual, despite his best efforts. Still, he didn’t get morose and he didn’t lose track of the conversation and he thought that was probably a victory.

Neither Bal nor Sam seemed too worried, though. They laughed - and their laughter seemed genuine - quite a bit over the next hour or so. Things between himself and Bal were still a little strange and he was glad Sam was there to keep it from being unpleasant.

Cas was relieved, however, when Bal got a text and said he needed to leave. Not allowing for protests, he threw some bills down on the table and said it was all on him. He and Cas hugged and then he exchanged phone numbers and a handshake with Sam before he left.

Cas invited Sam to come back to his house for coffee. “Not a euphemism, I promise,” he teased.

Sam readily agreed and they drove back to his house in separate cars once the bill was settled. When they got there, Sam asked to use the bathroom and Cas directed him to the master bath, since the guest bathroom was cramped even for Cas.

Cas started making coffee and brought a tray with mugs and makings out to the coffee table. He had just set it down when Sam came out, clutching a picture frame in his hand and staring down at it.

“I always loved this picture,” he said, then looked up at Cas with a soft knowing look.

“Sam, please,” Cas said with a sigh. “No matter what happened tonight, he is still with Lisa. I put that picture out because I had it hidden away for years and I wanted to see it again, now that it no longer hurts me.”

Sam gave him a searching look and set the photo down on the table next to the tray. He looked sad.

“When I saw it, I just figured, you know, maybe I was right the other day.”

Cas took a deep breath, feeling the emotions of the night well up all of a sudden, from where he’d been tamping them down. “Sam, I will always, _always_ love your brother. But we are just friends. He’s engaged. He’s going to get _married._ And just because none of us think she’s right for him, that doesn’t give us the right to interfere.” He started to turn to go check the coffee.

Sam pointed at him. “You think she’s wrong for him too!”

“Of course I think she’s wrong for him!” Cas said vehemently, whirling back to face Sam fully. “Your brother has wanted children since he _was_ a child! How could I be happy for him when I know he’s not going to have that?”

He hoped the way his voice tried to break was not obvious. He really needed Sam to believe his feelings were in the past. Otherwise, he knew Sam would never let it go. Unfortunately, he didn’t realize his other mistake.

Sam’s face went pale and he sat heavily on the couch. _Shit._

“Sam, you can’t -”

“Lisa doesn’t want kids?” Sam’s voice was soft and high, making him sound more like the young child Cas had known than the man he was. “Oh, Cas, if he marries her, he’s never going to be happy.” He sounded as miserable as he expected his brother to be.

“I know,” Cas said quietly.

“Then what are we going to do?” Sam asked.

“Absolutely nothing, Sam. He has to figure this out on his own.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> # ♥♥♥


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Cas,” Dean said, sounding a little breathless. “Dude, this is...” He shook his head, seemingly unable to tear his eyes away from the photographs. “I love it so much, man.” He finally looked up, an awed smile on his face. “So much,” he repeated as he looked back down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this chapter has [Mahbby's](http://mahbbys.tumblr.com/) artpiece that I was really excited for you to see. It's just how I pictured it and BONUS! the pictures (except the one with Dean) were all taken at Dallas Con 2015 ~~while I was busy with an R2M M &G, which Mahbbys bought for me because she's amazing~~. Many blessings upon your house, Mahbbys. Many blessings.

Dean decided to take Lisa out for dinner because being cooped up in the house together right now seemed like a bad idea. When they walked in, Dean saw his brother and then realized that the man he was talking to was Cas. Dean smiled, happy they were spending time together and then he saw them lean together and look entirely too intimate.

He felt really uncomfortable and his mood went south. Lisa hadn’t really said much on the way over and he didn’t feel like he could ask her for an opinion on this. Instead he led her over there and said the first thing he could think of and hoped it didn’t give away how fucked up seeing them together made him feel.

When they started laughing, he was ashamed of the relief that washed over him. Had he really thought his brother would go after Cas? Not that Cas was his, anyway. _Dammit._ His whole life was confusing right now.

After making small talk, he and Lisa made their way to the table where the hostess was waiting impatiently for them. He apologized to her and took his seat across from Lisa. She was already staring at the menu, not even looking at him.

He sighed. “Are we even gonna talk? I thought getting out of the house would be a good thing.”

“I’m just not sure what to say, Dean. You say you don’t know what you want to do, so I’m walking around waiting for the hammer to fall, I guess,” she said without looking up, her expression showing no emotion.

“Lisa, we talked about this. I need time. When you go to the retreat, I’ll be by myself so I can think and I will let you know after that. You’re the one who dropped the hammer, you know. This is me trying to figure out what to do about it.” He sighed again. “You gotta give me time to adjust.”

“So I’m just supposed to pretend everything is fine, when you might break up with me in a week and a half?” she asked, anger sparking in her eyes.

“Hey, you’re the one who sprang this on me out of the blue - and right before Christmas, I might add,” he said, a little more loudly and with more venom than he’d have liked.

She recoiled. “I’m sorry my needs are inconvenient for you,” she said.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, fuming at their menus. Dean wasn’t sure how to respond without escalating the fight, but he had no appetite whatsoever. When the waiter came with their drinks, asking if they were ready to order, Dean came to a quick decision.

“Actually, could you just bring us the check? I don’t think we’ll be staying for dinner, after all. Sorry.”

“Is everything all right, sir?” the waiter asked, no doubt thinking the restaurant was at fault.

Dean did his best to smile and ignored the look Lisa was giving him. “Yeah, it’s fine, I just don’t feel well and I want to go home and lie down.”

The worst part was having to walk past the table where Sam, Cas and Bal were all chatting happily together. He made some excuse he didn’t even remember and then they were on the way home, riding in stony silence. He called in a pizza order as he drove, so at least they wouldn’t have to cook when they got back.

When they got to the house, Lisa flung her purse on the table beside the door and tried to storm off, but Dean caught her wrist, as gently as he could.

“Lisa, please. I love you. You know that.” He sighed heavily, as she grudgingly turned to face him. “But you also know how important kids are to me. If you hadn’t known, you wouldn’t have played games and tried to hide the fact that you’ve realized you don’t want them.”

Lisa looked defiant for another second and then her shoulders slumped. “Yeah. You’re right. I know I didn’t handle this the right way.” She put her hands on her low back and stared toward the fireplace where they had had their Christmas pictures taken. “I’m just scared right now. And confused. And I’m taking it out on you, when it isn’t your fault.”

“I don’t think it’s your fault, either. It’s just one of those things.” He raised her wrist until he could kiss her hand. “I just need a little time to sort it all out in my head and decide if I can adjust my idea of the future to one without kids. You understand that, right?”

She nodded. “I think I’m just going to go to bed, though. I’ve got a splitting headache.”

Dean pulled her in for a hug and kissed the top of her head. “I’ll save you some pizza,” he told her as she walked away.

Half an hour later, as he was forcing himself to eat a second slice and watching bad TV, he got a text from Sam

**> How’s Lisa? Everything ok?**

Dean finished his slice and wiped his hands before answering, not quite sure what he wanted to say. In the end, he decided on part of the truth, rather than trying to cover it up.

**She’s ok. Thanks.**

**We’re working through some stuff and she got a headache**

**> Aw, man, I’m sorry to hear that. Hope she feels better. You too.**

**> Love you little big bro**

Dean snorted at that.

**Mutual, bitch.**

He started to toss the phone down, but then he decided to send Cas a text instead.

**Good seeing you tonight**

**Glad to see you and Bal are back to being friends**

He got up and put the pizza away, then sat back down and turned on the TV. He was a few minutes into a Doctor Who episode, wishing he had access to a time machine - for a whole lot of reasons - when Cas finally texted back.

**> You too. Sorry for teasing you with the whole Sam thing ;)**

**No you’re not :P**

**> That’s true :D**

**> But yes, I’m glad about Bal too**

**> It’s awkward though**

**Not surprised. It’ll get better, though.**

**> Is Lisa all right?**

Dean considering lying to Cas, but he didn’t see the point. Cas knew the whole story, so why should he hide it? He ignored the mixed up mess that was his feelings for Cas, and started typing.

**Yeah. We kinda had a fight.**

**About the kid thing. Well, more or less.**

**Because of it, anyway.**

**> I’m sorry to hear that Dean :(**

**> I hope you can work it out**

Dean wondered if Cas really meant that. No one else in his life seemed to approve of Lisa, so maybe Cas didn’t, either. Dean wouldn’t exactly be surprised. It wasn’t like he had enjoyed seeing Cas with Bal, for all that they were friends now. It just felt strange and wrong, even though he was with Lisa. There was just a different set of rules when it came to Cas.

He sighed and clicked off the TV. He wasn’t paying attention to what the Doc and the Daleks were up to this time. He had too much on his mind. He started idly flipping through stuff on his phone and ended up in the photos. He felt a little kick in his chest when he saw that picture Cas had sent him of the two of them when they were younger.

“Why did life have to get so complicated, Cas?” he asked the photo. “When we were together, everything seemed so damned simple.”

He picked up his phone and sent another text, followed by a second.

**I gotta make a decision soon, either way**

**Thanks for the support, btw**

**> Of course, Dean**

**> I’m sure you’ll figure out what’s best**

**You still coming for Christmas?**

After some debate, Sam and Dean had agreed to wrap the camera and film together as a joint present. Dean had figured that would make it less awkward all around. He hoped so, anyway.

**> Absolutely. I wouldn’t miss it.**

**> (Mainly because I’m terrified of what your mother will do to me)**

**Ha! Yeah right.**

**You two can’t get enough of each other**

**> That’s true**

**> She is the only woman I would consider switching teams for**

Dean was surprised by the laugh that burst out of him at that. He always forgot how funny Cas could be. Then the guy would just come up with something out of left field and Dean would lose it.

**Dude that is my MOM!**

**You sicko! LOL**

**> Well, I’ve already had you and Sam**

**> May as well round out the set**

**> >:D**

Dean snorted so hard at that he hurt his throat. He shook his head, grinning so hard his cheeks ached as he typed a response.

**You’re a bad person, Cas**

**I’m telling Sam you said that**

**> Oh trust me**

**> He remembers >;D**

**Dude are you drunk? LOL**

Dean got up and poured himself a shot of whiskey, hoping it would help him sleep. It might not go so well on top of the pizza, but he didn’t think of that until after he had thrown it back and choked it down. He chased it with a Sprite and hoped for the best. He’d just set the drink down when Cas’ next text came in.

**> If I say no, does that make it better or worse?**

**I’m honestly not sure.**

**> Oh well :)**

**> Good night, Dean**

**> See you at Christmas if not before**

**Night, Cas**

He put his phone on the charger and debated whether or not to pour himself another shot. In the end, he opted against it, deciding instead to take a hot shower. He stripped down as he made his way to the guest bathroom, not wanting to wake Lisa.

A few minutes later, as the hot water pounded into his tense shoulders, he reflected on how much talking to Cas had improved his mood. It had always been that way, though. Cas had a way of knowing the right things to say, usually, to take Dean out of his head and make him smile.

A traitorous part of his brain asked if Lisa had ever done that for him. After some reflection, though, he decided that, yes, Lisa had been able to do that for him in the past. It had been one of the reasons he’d fallen for her in the first place, he thought.

When the voice asked him if she still did it, though, he didn’t have an answer. He couldn’t remember the last time she had cheered him up, but he wasn’t sure if his memories were being filtered through his hurt that she not only didn’t want kids, but had been lying about it.

Then the traitorous voice - which sounded a lot like his own voice, the longer it spoke to him - started to wonder if things had really only started to sour when she’d made her big announcement. Had things still been good before that? And how about Shelly? Was she the cause of trouble between them or just another symptom?

He forced himself to shut out all those thoughts. He needed to think about all of it, but right now, what he needed more was to relax enough to sleep. He took his cock, half hard from the warm water, in hand and began lazily stroking it. He sifted through a variety of fantasies until he settled on the old standby of a threesome with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. Before long, Dream!Brangelina had taken him apart and he was coming all over the drain.

He leaned against the tiled wall for a moment to catch his breath, then finished his shower quickly. When he was rinsed and dry, he stumbled upstairs to bed and was asleep within minutes.

* * *

 

Cas had decided not to play fair.

He’d finally given up trying to deny to himself that he had feelings for Dean that were not just echoes from the past. They were brand new. The past factored in - of course it did - but it wasn’t what made him smile whenever he thought of seeing Dean or talking to him. His teenage love was not what made his heart speed up whenever Dean sent him a text.

Or made it ache when he thought of Dean with Lisa instead of him.

Ever since he’d seen Dean and Lisa fighting at dinner the other night, he’d been fantasizing about what it would be like to be in Lisa’s shoes. What if it was Cas Dean wanted to have kids with? Cas he wanted to wake up with every morning?

They were painful thoughts and it wasn’t a good idea to indulge them - especially when Dean was still engaged - but he couldn’t help it. Lisa, given her desire not to have children, was clearly not right for Dean. Cas would not say anything to that effect to Dean, of course, nor would he be anything but nice to her.

However, that didn’t mean he was above giving Dean a Christmas present that would both be incredibly special to Dean and - if Dean was paying attention - tell Dean exactly how Cas felt about him. Of course, before he could do that, he had to figure out exactly what that gift might be.

He considered and discarded a dozen ideas before he came up with something that he thought was perfect. He hoped it wasn’t too obvious. He would need to enlist Sam’s help, but he didn’t think that would be a problem. He sent him a text, just to make sure.

**> Count me in!**

**> Just tell me when a good time is**

Cas ended up calling him so they could hash out the details. If Sam suspected Cas’ motives for the gift, he didn’t mention it. He sounded as excited as Cas was for the project, so Cas thought he’d chosen well.

Because his work load was so heavy, it meant a lot of late nights in order to get it done in time for Christmas, but when he had the finished product in front of him, Cas thought it was worth it. He hoped Dean felt the same.

Sooner than he was ready for, Christmas morning arrived. He wasn’t quite sure how he’d gotten lucky enough to be invited to spend the holiday with the Winchesters, but he was glad of it. Nervous too, but mostly happy.

Seeing Lisa was more awkward than it had been the previous time, since this time he knew she and Dean were having problems - and also since he knew that he was falling in love with her fiance again. Still, he managed to hide it pretty well, he thought. Being around Sam and Mary helped tremendously, though being around Dean did not.

Sam insisted on playing Santa Claus and handed out gifts at random, whichever he came to first under the tree. To Cas’ surprise, John showed up a few minutes into the festivities and Mary welcomed him inside.

“Sorry I’m late, Mare. I put off wrapping till the last minute,” he said, sheepishly.

“This is my surprised face,” Mary said with a flat expression. Then her face softened and she smiled. “Don’t worry about it. Let me take your bag so Sam can pass the gifts out. You remember Cas, don’t you?”

“Sure, hey!” John said jovially, holding out his hand to shake. Then he pulled each of his sons into a hug and gave Lisa a smile and a wave. “Hey there, Lisa. Merry Christmas, everybody.”

Cas was less shocked by John being invited than by John’s looking pleased to see Cas. As he had told Mary before, John had never been his biggest fan. He shrugged it off and resolved to enjoy the day, regardless of the awkwardness with John and Lisa.

“Okay, Cas,” Sam said returning from the tree with a large box. “This one is to you from me and Dean.” When his back was to everyone else in the room, Sam gave Cas a look that he couldn’t interpret.

Then he opened the box and suspected Sam was trying to say “This was Dean’s idea.”

“Oh, this is fantastic! Thank you...both...so much. You even got me film!” He looked at each of them in turn. “You don’t know how many times I’ve talked myself out of buying one of these. I’ve always wanted one, though. I love it,” he said, smiling at them both.

“You’re welcome, Cas. Glad you like it,” Dean said. Sam just smiled.

Mary, John and Sam each got a framed photograph of Dean and Lisa, in addition to their other gifts. Lisa gave Cas a gift certificate to an online photography supply store and Cas gave Lisa a crystal wine decanter. Cas gave Sam a framed 8x10 of the two of them when they were kids. Sam gave Dean several nice editions of Vonnegut books, as well as a copy of _Jitterbug Perfume_ that made everyone except John laugh.

“Sorry. I think you had to be there,” Mary said when John looked confused.

“For the love of Christmas, please don’t explain it to him,” Dean begged, making everyone laugh even harder.

“Anyone else in the mood for mushrooms?” Sam asked, winking at Cas.

Dean groaned and John looked even more lost.

“All right, all right,” Mary said. “More presents!”

Mary gave Cas a decorative recipe box that held instructions for several of his favorite meals, including all three versions of their family meatloaf. She promised she would still show him how to make it again. She also gave him a blue scarf she’d knit herself from yarn she said came from alpacas.

Somehow, Cas’s present for Dean ended up being last. It made it feel even more special and that made Cas even more nervous about it. Still, once Sam pulled the long heavy package away from the wall and read out the tag, there wasn’t much to be done.

Cas had blown up an old photograph of Dean with the Impala and also taken a dozen new shots of the car by itself. He had matted them all behind glass in a huge art-sized metal frame that Cas knew would look fantastic in Dean’s living room.

“Cas,” Dean said, sounding a little breathless. “Dude, this is...” He shook his head, seemingly unable to tear his eyes away from the photographs. “I love it so much, man.” He finally looked up, an awed smile on his face. “So much,” he repeated as he looked back down.

“That’s really amazing, Cas,” Lisa said, giving him a small smile. “You really do take incredible photographs.”

“Thank you, Lisa,” Cas said, smiling brightly and trying not to feel guilty. Of course, since Dean had given Cas a camera, Cas wasn’t sure if he was the only one who should. Not that he was complaining.

“Yeah, this’ll be great when I have to, um...sorry,” Dean said, setting the frame aside and getting up. “I gotta hit the head, all this beer,” he said before rushing out of the room.

Lisa frowned after him and Cas saw Sam and Mary share a worried look. John just looked around confused, as had seemed to be his default for the day.

“Well, hey, Cas, tell me what’s been going on with you,” John said, when the room stayed quiet in the wake of Dean’s sudden departure.

“For all ten years?” Cas asked with a laugh. “I went to school. Became a photographer and moved back here a couple of months ago.”

“Oh. Well, that’s pretty exciting. So, uh, are you still gay or did you go straight like Dean?”

“Dad, that’s not -” Sam started, but Mary cut him off.

“John, that’s not accurate, much less appropriate. Cas, you don’t have to answer him.”

Cas, however, saw that John was still pretty much confused, so he took pity on him. “Yes, John, I am still gay, as I have been since birth. Dean, as far as I know, is bisexual and always has been.”

“But he’s with Lisa now. Doesn’t that mean he picked girls?” Cas had to bite back a laugh at the utter cluelessness, not only in John’s thoughts but on his facial expressions.

He saw Mary and Sam make matching comically shocked faces, but he held up a subtle hand in their direction. “No, John. I’m afraid that’s not how it works. You didn’t become gay when you divorced Mary, did you?”

“What? Of course not!” John said vehemently. Cas saw that Mary smirked at his question, while Sam had to turn away to hide what looked suspiciously like a laugh.

“Then why do you think Dean’s sexuality would change just because he was with a woman?” Cas asked patiently, watching as realization dawned on John’s face.

John nodded finally. “Yeah, okay. That makes sense.” He shrugged. “No one really ever explained it to me. Sorry if I sounded like an idiot.” Now Mary and Sam both looked shocked.

Cas smiled at him kindly. “You’re only an idiot if you refuse to learn once you’ve been taught,” he said evenly.

John smiled slightly. “Thanks. I think,” he said with a small laugh.

“So, what are we talking about?” Dean asked, coming back into the room.

“Well, I thought you weren’t gay anymore since you were with Lisa, but Cas set me straight. Uh...he explained it to me. That you’re bisexual. We never really talked about it, I guess.” He shrugged, a bit helplessly.

Dean laughed. “Uh, yeah. I’m bi, Dad. You’re right, I don’t think we ever had that talk.” He walked over and slapped his dad on the shoulder. “Means even though I’m with Lisa, I still think our mailman has a nice ass.”

“He does,” Lisa agreed with a vigorous nod. Everyone laughed and the remaining tension dissolved.

A little while later, when all the presents had been opened and everyone stopped to have cookies and eggnog, Cas somehow ended up alone in the kitchen with Dean. Cas decided to test his theory that the camera had been all Dean’s idea.

“Thank you for the camera, Dean.” He hesitated, then said, “I’m guessing Sam didn’t actually have a lot to do with picking it out.” He picked up a cookie and bit into it, without looking at Dean.

Dean laughed. “Busted. Sam bought the film, but yeah, my idea.” Dean picked up his own cookie, but didn’t bite into it. Instead he fiddled with it, as if it might hold clues to some grand universal secret. “Um, that picture of Baby is just...I really love it, Cas.”

“Oh good! I wasn’t sure,” Cas admitted.

“No, I, um, I loved it. It’s fantastic.” Dean gave Cas a smile that seemed genuine then. “I know exactly where I’m going to put it too.”

“I’m glad, Dean. I wanted to give you something personal. As, I don’t know, a celebration of our newly reformed friendship, I suppose,” Cas said, not entirely untruthfully.

“Yeah, me too, you know, with the camera and everything. Something that meant more than socks or a tie, right?” Dean’s mouth quirked up at one corner. They made eye contact for a few seconds longer than perhaps they should have and then Dean dropped the cookie he’d been playing with and cleared his throat. “I better get back in there,” he said before walking out.

Cas stared at the cookie in his hand, then tossed the rest of it in the trash, uneaten. He was happy he’d been right about the camera - both the actual giver and the reason behind it - but Dean was still leaving today with Lisa. And during those few seconds of eye contact, Cas had realized something very important. He wasn’t falling in love with Dean again. He’d already fallen.

* * *

 

Dean hadn’t been prepared for how hard Christmas would be, or for how much more confused it would make him about his feelings. He honestly hadn’t thought anything about how personal a gift the camera was, how sentimental, until he’d watched Lisa open the perfume set he’d gotten her and realized the distinct lack of sentiment in the gift. If she only wore one type of perfume, maybe it would have seemed more personal. Since she wore a few different ones, though, it felt like a cop-out gift - especially when compared to the camera.

The real surprise, though, had been his gift from Cas. As Lisa had pointed out, Cas took amazing photographs. And the pictures of his car were no exception. He had been stunned when he first looked at it. Baby had seemed alive, almost human, in the photos. In one of them, it looked like she was smiling. The old one with him in it was pretty stellar too. He was looking at the car as though... well, as though she was his baby.

He started to tell Cas it would be especially great, once he had to sell the car. Then it had all hit him fresh. Lisa didn’t want kids. If there were no kids, he wouldn’t need to sell the car. Or, maybe there would be no Lisa. And just why the hell did the idea of Cas in his car still make him so happy? Either way, he had to excuse himself to the bathroom.

He had to stand in front of the sink, splashing water on his face, as his mind went in 100 directions. What was he going to do? What was the right thing here? Most of all, he wondered what Cas was trying to say with the pictures. Was he trying to tell Dean to look at the upside of not having kids? Or was he reminding Dean that, even after all this time, Cas still understood him better than anyone?

Dean didn’t really know if Cas meant anything by it at all. Maybe he’d just thought Dean would enjoy photos of his beloved car, whether or not he’d be selling it soon. Dean dried his face and hands, then realized he actually did need to take a leak. He flushed and washed his hands again before venturing back out.

He caught the odd tail end of Cas talking to his dad and then his dad had surprised him. Dad being weird and awkward made things feel more normal again and helped Dean push aside his difficult feelings.

After the conversation over cookies, he was glad he and Cas’s reasons for their gifts seemed to be similar. Still, that moment of prolonged eye contact had been... odd. He wasn’t sure whether it was a welcome kind of odd or the kind he didn’t need right now.

They hung out with his parents through lunchtime and then went to Lisa’s parents’ house. They gave him inappropriate, unwanted gifts, as usual. Given everything that was happening, Dean struggled to stay polite as he opened a camouflage hunting vest, followed by a CD of gospel music.

By the time they had eaten dinner and gotten into the car, he had a raging tension headache. Instead of starting the car, he asked Lisa to drive. He did his best not to compare Lisa’s driving to Cas’s when he’d driven the car and wondered when he’d become such a disloyal asshole.

Lisa was leaving in the morning for her retreat, and he really wanted to try to talk to her before then, see if she had anything to say that might make him feel like staying together was the right option. Shelly called before they’d even gotten through the door, so he went to take some aspirin.

He sat on the couch with his eyes closed for a few minutes. He let his head fall back against the cushions and willed himself to relax. Lisa had taught him some yoga techniques for that and he did his best. Then he heard her come back into the room.

He opened his eyes and looked up to find her with her own car keys in her hand. “Shelly asked me to come over for a while to help her put together some of the kids’ toys,” she said, not really looking at him.

“Lisa, you’re leaving tomorrow! I was really hoping we could talk.”

“I don’t know what there is to say, Dean. Either you love me enough to marry me without kids or you don’t. Apparently you can’t figure that out while I’m here, so I don’t know what good you think talking will do,” she snapped, voice as angry as he had ever heard it.

“Well, you shutting me out this past week hasn’t exactly brought us closer together, has it? I can see why you wouldn’t want more kids, though, since you’re practically raising Shelly’s,” he said, instantly regretting being so combative.

She stopped and took a deep breath, letting her shoulders drop. “Dean, I don’t want to fight. But I already told you, I can’t act like everything is normal when it isn’t. I don’t want to sit around here tonight, wondering whether it’s going to be the last night I spend in this house or not.”

“I just thought you might like a chance to convince me you’re worth not having kids for,” Dean said, as evenly as he could.

Lisa opened her mouth, but then closed it again and shook her head. “I think we both know that would be pointless. You’ll have to decide that for yourself and my input won’t make a difference.”

Dean disagreed, but he wasn’t going to ask her to fight for them. Maybe it would only make his choice harder, in the long run, anyway. Instead, he got up and hugged her tight, wishing things were as simple as they had seemed just a few short months ago. Right now nothing was simple at all.

Dean puttered around the house, taking care of chores he’d been ignoring, and generally keeping himself busy, while trying not to think. It didn’t take him long to get bored. It wasn’t that he relied on Lisa for his entertainment. It was just that tonight he was restless and knew, given that it was Christmas, there was nowhere he could go, like a bar or movie, that would give him any relief.

He was considering going for a drive when he got a text from Lisa, saying she was going to stay the night at Shelly’s and come get her things in the morning. When he read it he realized that, as much as he hadn’t wanted her to go, his overwhelming reaction to the text was relief.

Things had been so tense lately. They’d been either fighting or avoiding each other ever since she announced she didn’t want kids. He hadn’t realized how peaceful the house would seem with her gone.

After a few more minutes of debating what to do, he figured it out. He picked up his phone and dialed a familiar number, without even having to find it in his contacts.

“Hey, red. I know it’s Christmas, but do you wanna come over? The reason why is probably gonna make you happy, but I’d appreciate you holding in the cheers until I’m off the phone.”

“Dean? What’s up, bitch? I’m going to assume you’re alone?” Charlie asked.

“Yeah. And Lisa... well, let’s just say I could use a friend right now. We are still friends, right?” Dean thought he knew the answer, but it was still a relief to hear her response.

“Hell yeah, Winchester. You may be an idiot, but you’re my idiot. See you in twenty.”

“You don’t even know where I live now!”

She snorted. “Please, like I don’t keep tabs on people. You know my skills, Dean. Like I said, see you in twenty.”

True to her word, his doorbell rang exactly twenty minutes later. He answered it to find Charlie outside it, holding up a bottle of good scotch and a wrapped gift.

“Merry Christmas, bitch!” she said with a big smile as she strode in like she owned the place. “Nice digs. I like it.” She stuck out the hand holding the gift. “Here. It’s a Christmas present and peace offering all in one. I was a dick and I’m sorry,” she said, staring at her feet.

Dean pulled her into a hug that made her squeak and then took the present before walking across the room to get the one he’d bought for her. His gift from her, a book on spicing up a married sex life, made him laugh. She loved the sword belt he’d gotten her for LARPing.

“All right, so what’s the big thing that made you swallow your enormous Winchester pride and call me over here?” Charlie asked bluntly.

“Lisa doesn’t want to have kids,” he said, equally blunt.

“Shit,” she whispered. “Wait,” she said, holding up a hand. “Get glasses. We definitely need scotch for this.”

So Dean did as he was told and grabbed a couple of large tumblers from the cabinet, bringing them back to where Charlie had made herself comfortable on the couch. She had opened the bottle and started pouring it as soon as he sat down and held out a glass. She took the first and poured him the second, with about half an inch more scotch, he noted.

“All right, so she doesn’t want kids at all? Like, ever?” Charlie said, taking a large swig of scotch and trying really hard not to make a face.

Dean had to laugh at her. “A little stronger than you expected?” He sipped his own and grimaced, mostly for effect. “Did you buy this in the wood varnish aisle? I’m not sure you wanted to make up after all. Maybe you wanted to kill me.”

She rolled her eyes as well as any annoyed teenager. “Avoidance with humor much? And if I wanted to kill you, you’d already be dead, Winchester. Now talk.”

So he told her the whole story. He expected an “I told you so” or something similar, but she had tears in her eyes when he was done.

“Dean, I’m so sorry. I know I was a jerk about this whole thing, but you obviously really thought she was your future. That’s gotta suck.”

“Yeah,” he said, finishing the rest of his scotch with one too big swallow that made his eyes water. “Well, I mean, I still don’t know what I’m going to do.”

Charlie scowled. “Wait. You mean you haven’t already broken up?”

Dean held up a hand. “Charlie, I know you think it’s simple, okay? But for me, it’s not simple. It’s really fucking complicated. I can’t just ask somebody to spend the rest of their life with me and then just walk away without being sure!”

Charlie pursed her lips, but said nothing, sipping more of her scotch.

“She’s gone for the week to this yoga retreat. I’m supposed to give her an answer when she gets back.” He sighed dejectedly. “We’ve barely spoken since she told me. We’ve fought most of the time we _were_ talking.” He poured himself another finger of alcohol, but stopped it halfway to his mouth. “If I’m honest, we haven’t been getting along that great for a while,” he said, then took a big sip.

“Like fighting?” Charlie asked, sipping the scotch like it might bite her.

“You want a Sprite to mix that in, Red?” he asked with a small smile.

She grinned sheepishly. “Yes, please.”

He shook his head, but got her the soda, talking as he walked. “Not fighting, no. Just... well, I mean, there has been some arguing, but mostly there’s just been distance, I think? Maybe because she’s been hiding the kids thing from me.” He handed her the bottle of Sprite. “Her friend Shelly hasn’t exactly helped matters.”

“Ugh, is she that one I met on the Fourth?”

Dean made a face and nodded. “Yep.” He finished his scotch and then sighed. “You know what? I don’t wanna talk about this anymore. How about I kick your ass at video games until you have to go home?”

Charlie gave him the grin of a shark and said, “We’ll see who kicks whose ass, Winchester. Let’s go.”

* * *

 

Cas is trying to get the new lens on the camera when the doorbell rings. He’s annoyed because he isn’t expecting anyone, but he tries to hide it and goes to the door. When he pulls it open, it’s Dean, holding a bottle of wine in his hands.

“My saving grace,” Dean says, making his way inside.

“Dean, what are you doing here?” Cas asks.

“I broke up with Lisa.”

“Because of the children?”

“Because I want them to be your children, Cas. It’s always been you and you know that.”

And then they’re kissing and it feels just the way Cas remembered, warm and safe and oh so very hot. They’ve barely been touching a minute, but already Cas is rock hard and aching inside his clothes.

“Fuck me, Cas,” Dean pleads. “Need to feel you inside me again. It’s been so long. I never let Benny do that to me, you know.”

“Really? He seemed like a top,” Cas says and Dean laughed.

“Not with me.” The Dean is kissing Cas’s neck again. “You still smell like cinnamon.” He bites Cas’s neck and Cas moans. “I fucking love cinnamon,” Dean growls in Cas’s ear.

Soon they’re naked and rubbing up against each other, Cas’s cock feeling amazing when it shifts against the heat of Dean’s. Dean’s hands and teeth and tongue are everywhere, hot and sparking lights under Cas’s skin.

“Already prepped before I came over,” Dean tells him and drags Cas’s fingers back to prove he’s telling the truth.

Cas’s finger slips easily inside Dean’s hot, wet hole and he groans and takes Dean’s earlobe between his teeth, suckling at it. He shoves Dean’s thigh up and gets himself in place.

“Fuck, Cas, do it, please. Waited so long,” Dean breathes.

So Cas presses forward and slides inside the man he loves. And Dean is so hot around him, it feels like his cock is on fire in the best way. He wastes no time, neither of them wanting to go slow. Dean is bucking up against him and it only takes a handful of deep, steady strokes before Cas feels that building pressure in his belly of a pending orgasm.

“Dean, I’m going to -” He doesn’t finish, reaching down instead to fist Dean’s cock and get him off too.

“Yeah, Cas, yeah, harder,” Dean moans.

And Cas slams into him with speed and force as Dean matches him thrust for thrust. It’s rough and raw and nothing like the slow, sweet lovemaking of their youth, but they’ve waited too long. Right now is nothing but pure need that’s been building for ten years.

It feels so good Cas thinks he might cry. There is no time for tears, though because soon the sensations are overwhelming and he’s starting to come, buried deep inside Dean and trying to drive even deeper.

No sooner has he started to come than the phone starts ringing. And Dean shouts at him to make it stop because it’s stealing his orgasm away, but Cas can’t seem to turn it off for some reason. It just keeps ringing and ringing and -

Cas found himself alone in his bed, covered in sweat and semen like pubescent teenager. The phone next to his face was still ringing insistently and he forced himself to reach for it. He didn’t recognize the number, but he answered anyway.

“Hey bro! Merry Christmas!” came Gabriel’s tinny voice down the line. There were party sounds in the background, which was hardly a surprise.

“Gabriel it is -” He pulled back to look at the phone, the brightness of it piercing his eyes. “Three o’clock in the morning. And it’s already Boxing Day.”

“Oh, shit, sorry, bro! I’m in Portugal and you know I’ve always been shit with time zones. Anyway, merry belated Christmas, I guess.” Cas could hear him talking to someone in the room with him, but he couldn’t make out the words. “I gotta go, but I’m coming back to the States soon and I wanna see you. Think you and Balthazar can make time for your favorite brother?”

“You’re my only brother, Gabriel.”

“Oh, yeah.”

“And you’re still not my favorite.”

“Hey! That’s a rude thing to say when I called to be all festive and familial and shit,” Gabriel said, petulantly.

“When you woke me up, calling me from a party, you mean.” Cas sighed and rubbed his forehead with his thumb and index finger. “Gabriel, when you are back in the U.S. and we’re on similar time zones, feel free to call me during prime time. Right now, I am going back to sleep.”

He didn’t wait for an answer before pressing the end button and dropping the phone. Then he collapsed face first back on the mattress and chased after the dream he’d been yanked out of. It was only a few seconds, however, before he remembered the state of his briefs and groaned, realizing he was going to have to get up.

He hoisted himself out of bed and padded heavily to the bathroom, blinking against the harsh fluorescent light. He stripped off and used a washcloth to clean himself thoroughly. Then he tossed soiled underwear and cloth into the hamper and turned to relieve himself.

His mind floated back to the remnants of the dream. The feel of Dean’s mouth on his, the feel of Dean’s body around him. Now that he was awake, he could tell how insubstantial they had been, but he still longed to feel those things outside of his subconscious.

“You really are a terrible person, Cas,” he told himself out loud as he flushed.

He stepped to the sink and washed his hands, sighing as he dried them off. He clomped back to bed with a heavy heart. Some people never fell in love. Some people fell in love all the time. Cas had only ever fallen in love with one person, but he’d managed to do it twice.

The fact that Dean was still engaged to someone else had not escaped his attention. The fact that Dean’s relationship with Lisa was on shaky ground right now meant little. Even if Dean broke up with her, who was to say that he’d redevelop feelings for Cas? And supposing such a thing _were_ possible, who knew when it might happen?

When he and Cas had broken up, by all accounts it had taken Dean years to recover - and he and Cas had not been engaged to be married. Why should Cas think that Dean would see a few photos of his car and be moved enough to want him again, once Lisa was out of the picture - if indeed Dean even broke it off with her in the first place?

“Merry Christmas, my ass,” Cas growled into the darkness. He pinched his nose and sighed. “Just for tonight,” he whispered to himself, allowing thoughts of Dean to flood in.

He lay there in the early hours of the morning, imagining how it could be if Dean broke up with Lisa. He thought about what Dean might say to him. He wondered how it would be to kiss him again. Would his lips still feel the same? As he tried to picture what a kiss between them might be like, he finally drifted back to sleep.

The next morning, he woke up late, with a pounding head. His mood was foul and he quickly decided that he was going to spend the whole Saturday at home, doing nothing. He had aspirin with breakfast, then grabbed a book at random from his most recent purchases. He took the book and his coffee to his recliner and settled in for a nice long day of relaxation.

He’d been reading for a couple of hours when his phone rang. He considered ignoring it, but when he saw it was Bal, his guilt made him pick up.

“Hello, darling, how are you?”

“I’ve been better. Gabriel called me at three in the morning from Portugal.”

“Your brother is dreadful, I’ve told you many times. I’m so sorry to hear that. Well, I was calling to see if you wanted to join Sam and I for lunch.”

Cas’s eyebrows drew together in confusion. “Sam?” he asked.

“Yes, dear. Sam Winchester. He came over to borrow that book I was talking about and we got to talking. We’re both hungry, so we’re going out to lunch. We thought you might like to come along.”

“Oh. Um,” Cas stalled, looking down at himself and thinking about the day of vegetation he had planned. Then he realized his headache was gone and getting out of the house and away from thoughts of Dean might be the best thing for him. “Yes, all right. That sounds nice. Shall I meet you there?”

“Splendid! We were thinking of-” Bal named the diner where Cas had had lunch with Dean a couple of times. “Do you know it?”

“Yes, I’ve been there,” Cas said.

“Wonderful. We’ll see you there in, say, twenty minutes,” Bal said.

Cas sighed. He was regretting his decision already. Of course they were going there. Would the day be complete without something that reminded him so strongly of Dean? He hung up with Bal and got dressed without enthusiasm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *attack hugs you* ♥


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Thank you, Dean. I’m sorry.”
> 
> “Like I said. Don’t be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ♫Some day, the smut will come...♪  
> But not today. Soon, my angels.

Dean’s first day alone in the house was not going well. He and Charlie had gotten drunker than he could remember being in years. When he woke up, his head had felt like it was in a vice and his tongue tasted as if it might have been covered in carpet from in front of a litter box.

He downed two bottles of water in quick succession, with a pair of aspirin in between them. He brushed his teeth, taking time to scrub his tongue thoroughly until it felt more like a part of him again. His stomach wasn’t feeling up to much, so he stuck with buttered toast for breakfast.

He felt a little better after eating and he decided he wanted to hang the Impala pictures. He got the ladder from the garage, along with the drill and a screw. He didn’t need the stud finder, since there was already a picture above where he wanted the new one to go. The original was a painting his mother had done during the soul searching through craft classes period after their divorce and he thought it would look great with the black and white images underneath.

When it was hung, he stood back and looked, a warm feeling flooding through him. The photographs looked perfect there. They showed off his mom’s painting without taking away from it at all. His mood lifted slightly as he looked at it. Smiling, he took a picture of the wall and sent it in a text to first his mother and then Cas.

Evidently he hadn’t charged his phone, though because it died in the middle of sending Cas the message. Dean swore and took it to the kitchen to charge it up. He stood there for a little while, staring at nothing and not knowing quite what to do.

Finally, he decided maybe the best thing to do was find a way to think about Lisa as he used to think of her and not the way he was seeing her now. In other words, he wanted to see if knowing she didn’t want kids changed the way he felt about her.

He found a photo album of the two of them, but it wasn’t as old as he was hoping for, but he thought it would be good enough. It had pictures from the past year, including their engagement party and their housewarming.

The oldest pictures in the album made him smile. They were always standing close, one of them usually on the verge of laughter if not outright laughing. Lisa was beautiful and her eyes sparkled. He looked at his face and saw how happy he had been.

As he moved forward through the book, though, he started to feel odd. At first, he couldn’t pinpoint what the difference was, but something was off as he reached later pictures.

He finally noticed that they were standing further and further apart in the pictures. The laughter was much less common. Her eyes didn’t dance with light as often and his face didn’t really seem as happy. In pictures where they stood close, it always looked like a pose, rather than people whose physical proximity reflected their feelings for each other.

Dean felt sick. He realized that, if going through that album of him and Cas was like watching the two of them fall in love, then this was the opposite of that. Viewing this album felt like watching he and Lisa fall out of it. It wasn’t just him, either. He could see both their faces changing.

How had he not realized before? Had he been so focused on the future and the idea of having a family that he’d ignored it? As he thought back to all the times he had held his tongue about Shelly, he realized that was probably true. He hadn’t wanted to see that it was all falling apart.

Figuring out that he was no longer in love with his fiancee was like a body blow. He still loved her. They were good friends and they had good sex and living with her was nice. Sometimes, though admittedly less so recently, he thought they really were still happy together.

It wasn’t enough, though. If he were still as in love with her as he’d thought he was the day he proposed, he didn’t think he would care if she wanted kids or not. It would suck, but he’d be able to adjust. If he had really wanted to spend the rest of his life with her and had found out she _couldn’t_ have kids, wouldn’t he have stayed? Even if she didn’t want to adopt?

Dean closed the book and checked his watch. Lisa would still be in the middle of classes for another couple of hours, at least. He sent her a text, asking her to call him as soon as she had time and privacy to talk. Then he called his mom.

“Hey there, handsome! I was just thinking about you,” she said when she picked up the phone.

“Oh, yeah? Why was that?”

“Well, because I am currently elbow-deep in pie crust,” she told him, laughing.

“I have perfect timing, I guess. I was calling to see if you were off work and wanted to spend some time with your second favorite son,” he said, smiling in spite of the ache in his chest.

“You just want pie,” she said.

“You know I would still love you just as dearly if you never made pie again. I’d miss you a lot, but I’d still love you,” he teased.

“You heathen! Get over over here and help me with this baking before I decide to swap out the pecans for mincemeat.”

“Don’t even joke about that,” he said, voice grave.

Her laugh was high and light. “Come on over, handsome boy. Your mother misses you.”

A few minutes later, he was pulling up in front of the house. She opened the door when he was halfway up the walk, smiling at him with a spatula in one hand. She pulled him into a one-armed hug when he reached her, kissing him on the cheek as they parted again.

“Come on in. I’m just starting to put the fillings in, so you can help,” she said, closing the door. She looked at him as they walked toward the kitchen and she paused. “Honey, are you all right?”

“Mom, lemme ask you something,” he said instead of answering. He gestured forward. “In the kitchen, while we bake,” he said.

“Okay,” she said with a bemused smile.

They moved to the counter and started working on adding the filling to the four pie shells she’d made. After a couple of minutes, she nudged him. He knew that was his cue to start talking again.

He took a steadying breath. “When you and Dad got engaged,” he said. “Did you already know you wanted kids?”

She nodded. “Oh, yeah. I know for a lot of women it’s just kind of expected, but I really wanted them. I couldn’t wait,” she said, smiling.

Dean sucked on his lower lip and slowly nodded, scraping filling into a pie crust. “If Dad had said he didn’t want kids, after you’d already said yes, would you still have married him?”

Her hand stilled on the pie filling and she looked at him, a deep line between her eyebrows. She put a hand on his arm. “Why are you asking me this, Dean?”

“Just answer the question, please? Then I’ll tell you, I promise,” he asked, voice quiet and high.

“Well, I was completely besotted with your father. So even though I really wanted babies...I think, yeah, I probably would have married him anyway. I would’ve ended up miserable, but if my parents couldn’t convince me not to marry him, I don’t think anything could have.”

“Yeah, that’s kind of what I figured,” Dean said, resignedly. He let out a heavy sigh that sort of hiccuped at the end. “Lisa, um -” He breathed out rapidly to push back the emotion that was flooding his throat and eyes. “She doesn’t want kids,” he said, practically through clenched teeth.

“Oh, sweetie!” Mary said, putting down her kitchen utensils and pulling him into a hug.

“And I realized today that... if I was really in love with her, I don’t think I would care, but... I don’t think I’m still in love with her.”

He couldn’t hold it back anymore after that. He cried, holding onto his mother like a child. She held him and stroked his back, saying nothing as he cried it out. When he had himself under control again, he pulled away, wiping at his eyes.

“It probably seems stupid, crying that I _don’t_ love her, but... I thought I had my life figured out, you know? I had this whole future planned and now it’s just... it’s gone, Mom. No taking the kids to ball practice or birthday parties... no wedding with everyone I care about. It’s just going to be me again. Alone and miserable,” he said, unable to keep the bitterness from seeping in.

“Dean Winchester, you stop that right now,” she said sternly. She took his face in her hands. “I know this is hard. And I know how much that future means to you, but it isn’t lost, you hear me? It’s delayed, maybe, but you are better off not trying to have it with the wrong person. You haven’t lost it for good. All right?”

He nodded, hoping she was right. “I don’t think she loves me, either,” he said quietly. “Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking. If she does, I’m going to hurt her a lot.”

“She’ll be fine, Dean. She needs to find someone who wants a future without kids as much as you need someone who wants one with them, you know.”

“How’d you get so smart, huh?” he asked her with a small smile.

She kissed his forehead and grinned at him. “I watch a lot of talk shows,” she joked.

He stayed long enough to have a slice of warm pie, feeling better than he had all day by the time he left. He’d gotten her to agree not to tell Sam, since he wanted to do that himself. She gave him a fresh pie to take home, probably just for the second hug she knew she’d get, and he was smiling as he took it out of the car.

He was unlocking the front door when his phone rang. He saw Lisa’s name on the caller ID and nearly dropped the pie on the ground. He got inside and set the pie down before answering on the last ring.

“I got your message,” Lisa said in a flat voice.

In that moment, he knew, and he couldn’t hold back the question that he asked into the phone. “You aren’t in love with me anymore, are you?”

Her end of the phone was silent for a long time. Then he heard her take a shaky breath before she whispered, “No. I don’t think I am, Dean. I’m so sorry.”

He laughed a little, relief flooding him. “Don’t be. I don’t think I’m in love with you anymore, either.”

“Really?” she asked, surprised. “But you still seemed so excited about the wedding and everything...”

Instead of answering, he asked, “How long have you known, then? That you weren’t. Or maybe, how did you know is a better question.”

“I, um...” She sighed loudly, blowing the air forcibly between her lips. “Not long. I wondered before I told you about the kids, but I think last night was the first time I knew for sure.” He waited through the long silence because he could tell she wasn’t done. “I realized last night that I might have... God, this is hard,” she said and her voice said she was telling the truth.

“Whatever it is, Lisa, I’m not going to yell at you. I think we both know it’s over. I’m just trying to make sense of it.”

“I think I might have feelings for Shelly,” she said in a rush.

Dean laughed, more genuinely this time. “That makes so much fucking sense, Lisa. It explains so much,” he said. Then he paused. “Of course, it’s going to be a little awkward, if you two hook up, since her kids made you realize you don’t want kids.”

“Yeah,” she said with a sigh.

Words died for a minute, until Dean said, “I’ll, uh, pack up your stuff. You can pick it up whenever you get back.”

“Thank you, Dean. I’m sorry.”

“Like I said. Don’t be.”

* * *

 

“What are you doing for New Year’s?” Mary asked as soon as Cas picked up the phone.

“Sitting on my couch eating ice cream out of the box like every year. It’s kind of a tradition,” he joked.

Mary’s laugh was bright. “Well, as much as I love traditions, you’re coming over here for a party instead.”

“Am I?” he asked with a shocked laugh.

Her voice changed from teasing to pleading. “Well, I really hope so. Please? My friends Alex and MaryBeth from work are going to be there and I want you to meet them.”

“Who else is going to be there?” he asked, not sure he could handle another holiday with Dean and Lisa right now.

“Uh, well, Sam and Dean, of course. John might be there, but I’m not sure. Oh, Sam invited Balthazar too.”

“Really? That’s nice.” He was trying to find a subtle way to ask about Lisa, but Mary beat him to it.

“Lisa won’t be there, obviously.”

“Oh, right she has that retreat, I guess,” he said, relief flowing through him.

“You - um, right. I should go, I think, but be here at six, okay? Love you, kiddo!” she said, filling him with warmth.

“Can I bring anything? And I... love you too,” he said with a small smile.

“Just your adorable face!”

With that, she was gone and Cas was left feeling torn between excitement at getting to see Dean without Lisa and fear over the same thing. He’d have to watch his drinking, to make sure he didn’t say or do anything that might damage their friendship. Dean was an engaged man. The last thing he needed was Cas sticking his tongue in his ear because he’d had too much champagne.

He had little on the agenda for the week, so he was looking forward to doing a lot of relaxing. He also thought maybe he’d take the camera Dean had given him out and play with it at some point. The part he was most interested in was the ease of double exposure and long exposure. The advent of Photoshop had all but eliminated the need for the former, but he liked the idea of being able to do it without any special tricks.

Thinking about the double exposure gave him an idea. He didn’t know if it was strictly a _good_ idea, but it was an artistic endeavor that made him excited in the way pictures of the Impala had and he thought he might follow through. Assuming Dean would agree to participate, of course. He didn’t need to know about the project itself. That was just for Cas alone.

As if summoned by Cas’s thoughts of him, Dean chose that moment to call.

“Hey, Cas. You got time for lunch today?” His voice was off somehow, Cas thought. He sounded upbeat, but it almost sounded forced.

“Sure, what did you have in mind?” he asked.

He wanted to ask if Dean was all right, but knowing what he was going through with Lisa, Cas knew Dean probably wasn’t all right - and Cas honestly wasn’t sure he was up to hearing about it. He knew it probably made him petty and small, but he couldn’t help it. He was feeling fragile on the Dean front. He wasn’t even sure lunch was a good idea, but he wasn’t sure he could say no, either. He wanted it too much.

“Well, I was wondering if you maybe wanted to come over and I could cook something. You could see where I hung your Christmas present,” Dean said and again Cas felt his voice seemed over-bright.

“I’m not going to turn down Winchester cooking,” Cas said with a smile.

“Unless it’s Sam. Don’t ever eat anything he cooks. Not even coffee.” Dean sounded more normal joking about his brother.

Cas laughed. “I’ll keep that in mind. I don’t need to change or anything, so I’ll be there soon, okay?”

He looked down at himself, his faded jeans and dark blue pullover the most casual he’d dressed in front of Dean since they’d seen each other again. He considered changing clothes despite what he’d said, but realized it was better not to. He was not pursuing Dean until and unless Lisa was out of the picture. And even then, who knew if it was a good idea?

The drive took little time on an after-holiday Sunday. Too soon, he was sitting in Dean’s driveway, feeling his heart rate jump up in anticipation. He smoothed his sweaty hands up and down his jeans to dry them, then got out of the car. He’d brought a six-pack with him and he grabbed that from the back floorboard before he closed the door.

“Hey!” Dean said, his pleasure seeming genuine. “Thanks for coming,” he said, pulling Cas into a hug.

Cas was a little surprised, but not displeased by it. Dean was just wearing jeans and a T-shirt, but he looked as gorgeous as Cas could ever remember seeing him. He did his best not to stare - or lick his lips.

“I hope tacos are okay with you. I just kind of had a craving,” Dean said, taking the beer and putting it away. “Looks like you got good beer for it too.” He smiled and seemed more relaxed than he’d sounded on the phone.

“Are you kidding? I love tacos. I practically lived on them after I broke away from my family and went out on my own.” He gestured toward the fridge where Dean had just put the beer. “You like Sol okay?”

“Love it, dude. Especially with tacos. You ready for one? The taco meat needs a few more minutes, I think, sorry.”

“Yes to the beer. And I’m not in a hurry or anything, so don’t worry about it not being cooked. More time to hang out, right?” he asked with a smile, hoping that was something a friend would say.

Dean smiled and nodded, as he handed him his beer. Then he used a big black spoon to stir the meat around in the pan. He took a taste and added more spices as Cas looked on. It smelled heavenly and he said so.

“I think they’re gonna be pretty good. Probably gonna have mine traditional with cilantro and onions, but I’ve also got shredded cheese, tomatoes and stuff.”

“I like them any way they are put together,” Cas said with a laugh. “Ooh, are those avocado slices? I want in on that for sure.” He leaned against the corner of the cooking island and watched Dean work, sipping his beer. “Your mom invited me to the New Year’s Ever party, by the way.”

“Oh yeah?” Dean asked, looking pleased. “Good, man. That’s awesome.”

“Bal’s coming too. I hope that won’t be strange,” Cas mused.

Dean turned back to the food and shook his head. “Nah. It was nice having you there at Christmas. Hope it wasn’t too weird, you know, with Dad and everything.”

Cas scoffed internally, since it had been Lisa, not John, that had made his Christmas so awkward. To Dean, he just said, “No, it was fine. He’s trying, I think. That counts. Certainly my father never did that much.”

“Yeah. You’re right. He’s working at it.” Dean washed and dried his hands, then his eyes widened. “Oh! Yeah, let me show you where I put your pictures!”

Dean led him over to the wall the front door was in, diagonally to the left of the fireplace. “Check it out! Doesn’t it look great with mom’s painting?” He was obviously excited to have hung it and that made something warm uncurl in Cas.

“It really does,” Cas said.

He noticed that Dean had hung this, but he had not hung any of the portraits of him with Lisa. Cas made no comment about that, but he did see a stack of frames leaned against the far wall and noted for the first time the empty spaces they’d come from.

“Doing some redecorating?” Cas asked, nodding at the frames as he sipped his beer.

“Uh, yeah, something like that,” Dean said, frowning. “Getting rid of some stuff, mostly.”

“Nothing wrong with a purge now and then,” Cas said, smiling despite the tension that was now radiating off of Dean. He wondered if Dean was taking things off the wall to distract himself. “Think those tacos are ready?” he asked to change the subject.

“Oh! Yeah, I bet they must be. Let’s eat!” Dean said with a smile that didn’t seem to reach his eyes.

Five tacos and three beers later, Cas leaned back in his chair, content. Having lunch with Dean had been highly enjoyable, once Dean’s strange mood had passed. Cas had been on the verge of asking about it despite his earlier resolve, but once Dean started eating, it had gone away on its own.

“That was very good, Dean.”

“So you keep telling me,” Dean teased, with an easy grinned. “You want another beer or a soda or anything?”

“Well, if I’m going to be driving any time soon, I should probably stick to soda.” There was a question there Cas wasn’t comfortable asking, but luckily Dean seemed fine answering it.

“Stay for a while, man. You said you didn’t have anything going on, right? I’ve got the day free too and I’m having fun.” He stood up and started grabbing things to take to the kitchen.

Cas got up and helped. “Here, let me give you a hand. The least I can do after you fed me.”

“I’m not going to say no, but you don’t have to, honestly.” He started walking toward the kitchen, arms full of plates. As he set the stuff on the counter, he stopped and looked up. “You know what would be awesome right now?”

“No?” Cas said, putting down his own burdens.

“Choco tacos, man! I should make some.”

Cas remembered the treat from when they were kids, but it seemed complicated to him. “That does sound good, but you already made lunch.”

Dean scoffed. “Nah, it’s no big deal. Here, help me put this stuff away and then I’ll get on it.”

“How about I put it all away and you can make the dessert?” Cas countered.

Dean considered, lips pursed. “Yeah, okay,” he said, nodding. He pointed to a cabinet. “Containers are in there. Just put it all on the bottom shelf. Thanks, man.”

Cas wasn’t paying too much attention while he put away chopped vegetables and things, but when he was done, there was chocolate melted in a bowl and Dean was about to dip what looked like a cross between waffles and taco shells into it. He had ice cream sitting on the counter, along with nuts and a pan of chocolate sauce. Cas watched, amazed, as Dean layered toppings into the shells and covered them with another coating of melted chocolate.

“Okay, a few minutes in the freezer and these’ll be good to go. I probably made too many, but I can freeze them, anyway, right?” Dean seemed more himself than Cas had seen him all day, even during lunch.

“They look delicious,” Cas said as Dean put them into the freezer.

“I’m really glad you came over today, Cas.” He wasn’t looking at Cas when he said it, which Cas knew was an indication that he really meant it.

“Good company and good food are such a hard thing to bear, but I’m a saint, what can I say?” Cas said, straight-faced.

He stayed another couple of hours. They ate their ice cream treats, looked at a few old photos and laughed about the non-romantic moments from the old days. He also got Dean to pose for the box camera photograph he wanted. It was easy and comfortable and almost perfect. He was sad when it was finally time to go home.

By the end of it, though, Cas knew one thing for certain. If Dean decided not to stay with Lisa, Cas was going to make his feelings known. He wasn’t going to lose Dean twice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you getting excited? Tell me all about it. ♥


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The guy was not only Dean’s first real breakup, he had been involved in every single other breakup Dean’d had since.
> 
> It made him sad to realize that, until he really thought about what his breakup with Cas had been like. Looking around at his house, he knew that packing up Lisa’s things and not having her around wouldn’t be easy - but it would be a cake walk compared to what losing Cas had been like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a tad more angst and then I promise, I'll make it so good for you.

When he got off the phone with Lisa, Dean knew he didn’t really want to be alone. He called Cas, in hopes of having lunch, because he knew Sam was busy - and Dean really wasn’t ready to tell him yet, anyway. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to tell Cas, but he’d been the first person he’d told about Lisa not wanting kids, so he knew he probably would.

Then Cas showed up and fuck if he didn’t look hot all dressed down. It was distracting, at least. Still, he’d be better off not letting his current situation make him do stupid things like trying to hit on an ex when the ink wasn’t even dry on the dissolution of his engagement.

Dean had been leaning heavily toward feeling like he needed to tell Cas about Lisa. Then Cas had said he was bringing Balthazar to the New Year’s party and suddenly Dean wanted to keep it to himself a while longer.

He knew Cas said before that he and Bal were just friends now, but he’d seen the way Balthazar still looked at Cas. The guy wasn’t over it. It was entirely possible that he’d tell Cas he changed his mind. Who knew if Cas would accept the offer? Balthazar was handsome and successful and they got along. There were worse prospects, Dean knew.

After lunch and dessert, Dean pulled out one of the photo albums with Cas in it. They looked through a few of the pictures, but once it started being closer to when they’d stopped being just friends, Dean felt a little too vulnerable to keep going.

“Man, we were so dorky looking back then,” he joked, closing the book. “Hey remember that time we ditched Ms. Moseley’s class and she caught us?”

They took turns recounting the story and Cas’s eyes were bright with laughter. For a second, Dean felt an overwhelming urge to pull him in for a kiss and he abruptly stood up and said he needed a fresh drink. After getting Dean to pose for a picture, Cas started making noises about leaving and Dean couldn’t think of any reason to ask him to stay that didn’t sound inappropriate.

They hugged goodbye at the door and then Cas was gone and Dean was once again alone in his empty house. He looked at the stack of frames that Cas had asked about and felt his eyes prickle. He was alone again. Lisa wouldn’t be coming back from her retreat. He might not still be in love with her, but he did love her and they had a life together.

As he thought back to the last time he’d gone through a break up, Dean realized, that it was no wonder he wanted to turn to Cas. After his last breakup before Lisa, he had ended up sleeping with Cas. The guy was not only Dean’s first real breakup, he had been involved in every single other breakup Dean’d had since.

It made him sad to realize that, until he really thought about what his breakup with Cas had been like. Looking around at his house, he knew that packing up Lisa’s things and not having her around wouldn’t be easy - but it would be a cake walk compared to what losing Cas had been like.

Dean picked up the phone, knowing it was probably time to tell Charlie, but unable to face that yet. Instead he called Sam, hoping his brother was home again.

“Hey, man, what’s up?” Sam asked, answering in the middle of the first ring.

“Hey, Sam. You busy?”

“Oh, shit, it must be serious. You didn’t call me Sammy,” his brother joked. When Dean didn’t laugh, Sam said, “Dean? Seriously, is everything okay?”

“Not really. I, uh, broke it off with Lisa this morning.”

“Oh, shit, Dean! What the hell happened?”

Dean sighed. “Well, she, uh, told me she didn’t wanna have kids and I started really thinking about it and I realized I didn’t think we were in love anymore. So I called her and she agreed and I’m packing her stuff.”

“Man. I’m sorry. Do you... need help packing her stuff or... I mean, is there anything I can do?”

“Well, I haven’t told Cas yet, so don’t let it slip, okay? Just not ready, you know?” Dean said, rubbing his eyes. “Um, would you let Mom know it’s a done deal, though? I told her I was thinking about it, but I haven’t talked to her since I actually did it, so...” He stared at the floor and hoped Sam didn’t need him to continue because he’d sort of forgotten what he was saying.

“Yeah, man. Whatever you need. I mean it about helping you pack, though. It might make it easier. I’ll come right now, if you want,” Sam said and the concern in his voice made Dean’s lip tremble, even as he started to smile.

“Thanks, Sammy. I think tomorrow, if you’re free, that’d be a good idea. Tonight I think I just want to watch bad movies until I fall asleep, you know?”

“Yeah, all right. What time tomorrow? Or you can just text me when you’re ready. I don’t have anything going on that I can’t cancel.” There was a pause and then Sam said, “I love you, man.”

“I love you too, kid. I’ll text you. Bye.”

Dean knew he had to find better ways to fill his remaining days off work. Tomorrow would be pretty busy, but after that, he had to occupy himself. As little as he wanted to, he knew he should call Charlie and tell her what happened. He figured he may as well get it over with now. The only other people left to tell were Cas and his dad, really.

He dialed her number and waited for it to ring to voice mail, but she picked up almost before it had started ringing.

“What’s up, Winchester?”

“Well, I’ve got great news for you. Not so great for me, but you’ll be happy,” he said, not really as bitter as he thought he should have been.

“No way. You didn’t,” she said, sounding shocked rather than excited as he had expected.

“Yeah. I broke up with her this morning. I realized we weren’t in love anymore. It kinda sucks, but I guess you were right all along,” he said, trying not to let on how upset he really was.

“Dean, it’s better this way, you know it is,” Charlie said, as if logic had anything to do with emotion.

“Charlie, it still hurts. I’ve still lost someone I care about from my life.”

She sighed. “I know. I’m sorry. The truth is... I’ve been thinking about breaking it off with Gilda.”

Now he was the one who was shocked. “What? Why?”

“Well, the things that you said... about Gilda.” She cleared her throat. “They weren’t entirely untrue. And I’ve just been thinking maybe you weren’t the only one who was chasing something that was never going to be quite right.” She huffed into the phone. “I think that’s probably why I’ve been so hard on you about Lisa. Trying to convince myself. I’m sorry, Dean.”

His voice was soft when he said, “It’s okay, kiddo. I’m sorry you two are splitting up. But hey, at least we can be miserable together, right?”

“Man, I’ve missed hanging out with you. Last night was fun, you know?”

“Well, we need to get together soon. You wanna come to Mom’s New Year’s Eve party?” he asked, not really sure if it would be her kind of thing.

“Aw, man, I would, but I have another thing to go to. I’m kinda booked up the rest of this week. We’ll do something after New Year’s, though, right? Promise me,” she said sternly.

“I promise, Red. Good luck with the Gilda thing. Talk to you later.”

“Later, bitch!”

Dean felt better after talking to Charlie, though he was really surprised she was breaking up with Gilda. It was just good to be friends with her again, after such a tense few months. Last night had been fun, but he’d been a little too drunk to appreciate it.

He realized he was starting to get hungry. He considered going out to eat, but then he looked outside and saw it had started to snow. It was light, but he didn’t want to go out in it.

He picked up his phone and sent a couple of texts to Cas.

**You getting some good shots of the snow falling?**

**I bet they’d come out cool with the box camera’s long exposure.**

He hadn’t expected to hear back so quickly, but the response was almost immediate. Instead of words, it was a picture of Cas outside, with snow in his lashes and the box camera in his hands. Then he got a second text message afterward.

**> You know me too well :)**

Dean felt a little flip in his stomach, reading that. He wondered if that was true. Was Cas still basically the same guy he’d been back then? He certainly seemed to be, but Dean didn’t know if he still knew him the way he once had. Did Cas still know Dean? He decided it might be interesting to find out.

**Well, I don’t know if I’m gonna be winning Cas trivia any time soon**

**But I know a few things ;)**

This time, it was quite a bit longer before he got a response. He had decided to just reheat the taco meat and shells and have the rest of that for dinner and he had the meat almost ready before his phone went off again.

**> I bet I could win Dean trivia. lol**

Dean laughed out loud. “Oh, you’re on!” he said to no one in his empty kitchen.

**What am I doing right now?**

**I bet you came inside, walked to the heater and stomped up and down**

**Then you realized you were still wearing your gloves and took them off**

**> Ha! Wrong!**

**> (I have central heat, so I had the stove on and stomped in front of it)**

**> ;)**

**> And you are eating cold, leftover tacos!**

**Wrong!**

**(I heated them up)**

**:P**

Dean was smiling as he made his tacos and carried the plate to the couch. He went back to the fridge and cracked open another beer. Then he sat down and started eating. He heard his phone go off, but opted to finish eating before he checked it. When he was finally done, he wiped his hands and picked up the phone.

**> That was fun :) **

**> We really haven’t changed a whole hell of a lot in 9 yrs have we?**

**> Not sure if that’s comforting or depressing! ;)**

**It was; we have not; it’s comforting to me :); the tacos are still delicious**

Dean was still smiling when Cas’s next messages came in and threw him for a loop. He didn’t really know how to respond.

**> Dean, are you all right?**

**> You seemed kind of off all day. **

**> I didn’t want to pry, but...**

**> It’s been on my mind and I had to know.**

He debated for a long time on what to say. Finally, he decided on a version of the truth that he thought sounded plausible. He wasn’t sure why he didn’t just tell Cas about Lisa, but he really didn’t want to go there right now.

**Um, I was a little hungover this morning**

**Plus this whole thing with Lisa not being here**

**The kids thing and all of that?**

**I guess maybe that’s what you were picking up on**

**> Of course, Dean**

**> You’re making some difficult choices**

**> I’m sorry I mentioned it**

**No! Thanks for asking, man. Really.**

**And yeah, it’s a hard time right now that’s all.**

**> Well, if you ever need to talk...**

**>...Sorry, is that inappropriate?**

**No, man. It’s fine. I appreciate it. ttyl?**

**> Of course.**

Instead of texting Cas and saying, “I broke up with Lisa and I’m kinda falling apart a little bit,” Dean downed the rest of his beer, then another. He cleaned up his dinner mess and took a shower. When he fell into bed, he realized it didn’t feel as empty as it should’ve and that made him sad.

\-----

When Cas saw the picture fully developed, he gasped. He’d taken a picture of himself, carefully framed in the viewfinder. Then he’d taken a picture of Dean without advancing the film, so that the exposure of Dean overlaid the one of him. It was meant to look like that picture they had taken so long ago, but haunting and Cas had perfectly achieved the latter.

Dean’s image was see-through and watery and just slightly off the mark. So he looked like a ghost, reaching out for but not quite able to touch Cas. Cas himself had thought he was smiling happily, but it came out looking lost and longing, as if he was putting on a brave face.

He stared at the photo for a long time, holding his mouth. Tears coursed down his face unchecked. It was the most powerful photograph he’d ever taken. And it hurt like a bastard to look at. He needed to show someone. Needed one other person to see what he’d done. He couldn’t show Sam or Dean or Bal.

“Mary,” he said aloud in the darkroom.

He wiped his face and dried his hands and then carefully took down the photo. He’d developed it as an enlargement, without really paying attention to it. He had wanted to see it fully formed, to maximize the impact. He had certainly done that for himself, he thought.

He found a suitable frame and put the image behind the glass carefully. When it was secure, he called Mary. He was fairly certain she was off today and he hoped that Sam would be elsewhere. He was in luck.

“Hey, sweetie! How’s my favorite son?” she asked with a teasing lilt to her voice.

“I’m good, Mary,” he said, smiling despite how the photo had affected him. “I was wondering if I might come over for a little while? I’ve got a new photograph that I’d like to show you.”

“Of course! I don’t work until tomorrow and Sam’s off with Dean, so we’ll have the house to ourselves. I’d love to see you and your work, you know that.”

And that’s how he found himself, standing outside her door, holding on to the framed picture of himself and her son. His smile was wobbly when she opened the door and pulled him into a hug. She picked up on his mood right away.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” she asked, rubbing his arm lightly with one hand as she closed the door behind them with the other.

“I thought I would recreate that picture of Dean and me, from when we were together. The first one I took with the camera he gave me?” She nodded, a line between her brows. “Well, he gave me another camera and I thought, why not take the same picture? Double exposure is so easy with a box camera, he and I didn’t even have to be next to each other.”

“Sit down,” she said, gesturing toward the couch.

He sat, keeping the picture turned away from her view. “I thought it would be sad, of course, but I didn’t expect it to be... well. I didn’t expect it to be like this,” he said, turning the picture around.

She slowly knelt so she could see the picture better. Her hands came up to her mouth, which had fallen open. Then one hand reached out to hover over the glass, as if she wanted to reach inside and touch the men in the photograph. She looked over at Cas and there were tears shimmering in her eyes.

“Cas,” she breathed. “It’s beautiful. It’s so....” She turned back to the image, shaking her head. “It’s so painfully beautiful.”

“Thank you. I don’t know what I was thinking, taking a picture like this. It hurts so much to look at it, even though I know it’s so powerful. It just makes me so sad, Mary.” He stared at the photo, massaging at the ache in his chest.

“Are you... going to show it to Dean?”

He whirled his head to face her. “How can I?” He shook his head vehemently. “No. He’s engaged to Lisa. He doesn’t need to see this.”

Mary frowned. “What are you going to do with it?”

“I don’t know. I love it and I hate it. I don’t want it, but I don’t know if I can get rid of it,” he admitted.

She hesitated and then asked, “May I keep it?” She laid a hand on his knee. “Please. If you decide you want it back, it will be here, but you can’t just throw it out or hide it away.” She squeezed his knee. “I’ll keep it out of sight, don’t worry.”

He looked back and forth between her and the photograph for a moment. He rolled his lips into his mouth between his teeth and bit the bottom one as the top one rolled out. Finally, he nodded. “Okay. Just promise me you’ll keep it where Dean won’t see it when he comes over, Mary.”

“I promise. I’ll put it in my office. He never goes in there. Neither does Sam. Okay?”

He smiled at her, though it was weak. “Thank you, Mary. I’m very fortunate to have you in my life,” he said sincerely.

She grinned. “Damn right you are. Come on, let’s put that away. Are you hungry?”

So he let Mary take the photo and put it away, then he let her feed him. He insisted that she not go to anymore trouble than sandwiches, but she made a hell of a sandwich, anyway. When she was getting out ingredients, she picked up a container and offered him some mushrooms while waggling her eyebrows.

He laughed and it lifted the heavy melancholy off his shoulders. He hugged her and kissed her on the cheek. “You’re my favorite Winchester,” he told her.

“Oh, you,” she said, pushing him away, but she was smiling.

Only a few days later and it was time for the party. Cas didn’t dress up, but he did take special care with his appearance. He wore a bright blue shirt under and lighter blue sweater, both of which he knew showed off his eyes. He gelled his hair into a deliberate mess and then he topped off his ensemble with a little cologne. He didn’t shave, once again thinking of Bal and how he preferred Cas clean-shaven.

When he was almost ready to walk out the door, his doorbell rang. Assuming it was someone selling something, he ignored it and finished getting ready, heading to grab a bottle of wine from the pantry. When the bell was followed up by insistent knocking, he frowned and headed for the door.

“Hey there, baby bro!” Gabriel said from the other side of the doorway when Cas opened the door.

“Gabriel, what the hell are you doing here?” Cas asked, too shocked to be polite.

“Dude, ouch. I told you I wanted to come visit. Here I am!” He stepped inside as Cas stepped backward. “You smell like you’ve got a date. Am I interrupting?” Gabriel looked as though it had never occurred to him that Cas might have plans until just that moment.

“It’s New Year’s Eve, Gabriel. I’m on my way to a party.”

“Oh, shit, it is, isn’t it?” He shook his head, smiling. “Jetlag for ya. You know I wouldn’t miss out on New Year’s if I had all my wits about me.”

Something in Gabriel’s eyes said this wasn’t his usual visit. He wasn’t just being thoughtless and wanting to party. “Gabriel, are you all right?”

Gabriel’s eyes widened for a fraction of a second before he smirked. “Duh. I’m always all right, Cassio! You know me. So I guess I’ll hang out here till your party is over, if that’s cool?”

“Would you like to come with me?” Cas thought he might regret the invitation, but he had to extend it. Something wasn’t right with his brother.

Gabriel looked touched and that in itself told Cas that Gabriel was definitely not himself. “Dude, you sure? I don’t want to be in the way.”

“It’s fine. Just let me tell Mary I’m bringing someone.”

He texted Mary and she texted back her approval, as he’d expected. Then he grabbed the bottle of wine and a six pack of beer and headed out with Gabriel in tow. Gabriel was his usual chatty self, but there was an edge to it that Cas didn’t like.

He was relieved when they got to Mary’s. She hugged him and then hugged Gabriel, welcoming him to the party. It seemed to soothe Gabriel and Cas relaxed just a bit. She got them both beers and showed them where the hors d’oeuvres were. Then she introduced him to her friend Alex.

“Cas, Gabriel, this is my friend Alex from work. I don’t know where MaryBeth got to, I’ll have to find her,” she said, wandering off.

Alex smiled. “It’s nice to meet you both. Cas, Mary has told me a lot about you. You’re a photographer, she said?”

Cas knew right away that Alex was gay. What he couldn’t tell was if Alex was being flirtatious or not. He didn’t think Mary would try to set him up without asking, but that didn’t mean Alex knew that.

“Yes, I take family portraits and that kind of thing,” he said, making it clear he wasn’t interested in flirting.

“Oh, this is my cousin, Fergus,” Alex said as a shorter man in a black suit walked up. “Ferg, this is Cas and his brother Gabriel.”

“Charmed,” Fergus said, taking Cas’s hand and looking him up and down in a way that made Cas’s skin crawl.

He was saved by Sam’s exuberant, “Hey, Cas!” from behind him.

“Sam! Hello. Good to see you! This is my brother, Gabriel. Gabriel, this is Mary’s youngest son, Sam. Is Dean here?”

“Nah, he’s running late. Hey, Gabriel, nice to meet you. I’m actually surprised we never met before.”

“Likewise. I’d remember if we had,” Gabriel said and Cas knew right away that look was trouble.

Then he realized Sam was looking at Gabriel the same way and rolled his eyes. “I’ll just go... somewhere else,” he finished in a mutter when it was obvious they only had eyes for each other.

Before he could make it back to Mary, though, Fergus had him cornered again. His accent - British, Cas thought - was thick and rather pleasant, but he was a bit of a creepy, from what Cas could tell.

“So, angel, you live ‘round here? Haven’t seen you before.” He was standing far too close and making Cas very uncomfortable with the way his gaze was roaming all over Cas’s body.

“No, not really,” Cas said. “I don’t know why we would have met. I’m sure we don’t run in the same circles.”

With a leer, Fergus said, ”I bet you could run me in circles, love. You’re gorgeous, you know that?”

“Am I?” Cas asked, anger creeping into his voice.

“Darling, there you are,” came Bal’s voice over his shoulder. He felt Balthazar drape over his shoulders in a possessive gesture for which he was grateful. Bal held out a hand to Fergus. “Hello, there. I’m Cas’s boyfriend, Balthazar. And you are?”

“Disappointed,” Fergus muttered with a look at Cas. Then he put on a smile and said, “Fergus Crowley. Pleasure to meetcha. I was just getting to know your handsome boyfriend here. You’re quite the lucky man.”

“I am that,” Bal cooed, laying it on thick. “Darling, Mary asked for your help with the food, do you mind? Sorry, Fergus, I have to steal him.”

When they were safely across the room, Cas turned to Bal. “I owe you. Thanks for that.”

Bal’s face twisted. “Smarmy little shit. I’d like to wipe the floor with that face. Still, I don’t want to cause a scene at Mary’s lovely soiree. Appertif?” he asked, holding out a canape.

Cas rolled his eyes at Bal's penchant for deliberately using the wrong word, then took the appetizer and ate it quickly, knocking back the rest of his beer. He went in search of another and when he returned, he found Mary standing at the food table. They smiled and she apologized for running off and leaving him.

“That Fergus is a creep, huh?” she asked.

“You don’t know the half of it,” he said, not bothering to suppress a shudder.

“I don’t think he’s getting enough of this in his life,” she said. Then she held up an hors d’ouevre with a slice of mushroom and Cas laughed loud and hard.

“Yes. Definitely my favorite Winchester,” he told her giving her a one armed squeeze before picking up a similar canape and popping it into his mouth with a raise of his eyebrows. It was Mary’s turn to laugh.

\-----

Dean was running late to the party. He had gone back and forth on whether or not to even go. He still hadn’t told Cas about Lisa and he wasn’t sure he wanted to make nice with strangers and try and keep his break up a secret and field questions from his mother and brother about _why_ it was still a secret.

It wasn’t like he’d even spent the last several days pining over his lost love. When Sam had come over to help him pack up Lisa’s, he’d realized that he’d been holding on pretty tight to a dream for the future, without paying too much attention to the present. The house was decorated to his own taste. Lisa had barely made a mark - and the choice for that had been mostly hers, but he hadn’t exactly fought for her input.

None of that made him any happier about suddenly being single again. He’d had lunch with Cas again and felt closer to him than at any time since their breakup, but he’d kept his breakup with Lisa to himself.

Still, he had promised his mom and he wanted to see his brother, since he’d be leaving again soon. He also wanted to see Cas, even if Balthazar would be there too.

He pulled at his tie as he stood outside his mom’s front door. He could hear the music and laughter from the guests. He took a deep breath and opened the door. No one seemed to notice him. He saw a tray of champagne on the coffee table so he made his way over and picked up a flute of the golden liquid. He downed it too quickly.

When he looked up, he saw Cas, standing over by the table. His head was thrown back in a laugh, eyes crinkled almost shut and all his teeth and gums showing. He was sharing a joke with Mary, it seemed, because she was laughing too.

In that moment, Dean realized he had never really gotten over Cas. Seeing Cas so carefree and happy took him back to being eighteen again. Eighteen and so in love with the blue-eyed wonder in front of him that he could barely contain it without exploding in a burst of rainbows and glitter. His chest ached.

What he wanted more than anything at that particular second was to walk over to that table, to wrap his arms around Cas, kiss him on the cheek and join in the jokes with Mary. He wanted, in other words, for he and Cas to be a couple again. For Cas to be his, and for him to be Cas’s again.

He actually took a step in that direction and then Balthazar stepped into view. He laid a hand on Cas’s arm and Cas turned his smile toward him. He didn’t notice the man walking up next to him until the man spoke.

“They make a charming couple, don’t they?” a British accent, rougher than Balthazar’s, asked.

“Uh, I think they’re just friends,” Dean said, though he wasn’t sure that was true.

“Oh, no, the skinny blond one made it clear that he and Cas were together.” When Balthazar’s arm came up and around Cas, Dean felt sick. “See? Definitely a couple. Too bad. That Cas looks like he’d be a lot of fun.”

Rather than punch a guest at his mom’s party, Dean excused himself, grabbing a nearby bottle of champagne to take with him. It was too cold to go outside for air, so he stumbled through the first door he came to. It had been a playroom when they were kids and the room where they’d played video games and watched movies when they were older, but Dean hadn’t been in it in years.

He closed the door behind him and fumbled for the light switch. Then he turned around and nearly dropped the champagne bottle he was holding. As it was, he had to sink to his knees, the shock was so great.

There, on the wall behind what was apparently his mother’s computer desk, was a photograph of him and Cas. He thought by his pose it must be the one Cas had taken of him the other day, but he didn’t understand how Cas was in it. It was obviously a recreation of that other picture of the two of them, but this photograph was every bit as sad as the other one had been joyful.

What Dean saw when he looked at it was himself, a specter that haunted Cas and kept him from being truly happy. Was Cas not over him, either? Why the hell had he made this picture? What did it mean?

Dean hadn’t had enough to drink to deal with any of the questions he had rolling around in his head. He tilted back the champagne and chugged it, belching loudly when he was done. He knew he had to get back out there before someone started looking for him, so he took another chug and then forced himself back out the door.

When he stepped out, he saw Balthazar, hugging Cas and kissing him on the cheek. Apparently, good old Bal was leaving early. Dean watched him go with a mixture of relief and guilt. He should want Cas to be happy, if he really cared about him. Well, Dean did want Cas to be happy—he just wanted it to be with him and not Balthazar.

He walked around the party, attempting to mingle while also attempting to polish off the bottle of champagne. His goal was to get so drunk he didn’t have to think about things like how he felt about Cas anymore. So far all getting drunk was doing was giving him a heightened awareness of exactly where Cas was in the room at any given moment—and a lowered ability to stop himself from staring at him.

Before he knew it, he had made his way over to where Cas was. If he’d been asked if that was what he was doing, he’d have denied it. He found himself next to Cas regardless, and it felt like it was where he’d been trying to be forever. Cas’s eyes lit up when he saw Dean.

“I’ve been wondering when I’d get a chance to talk to you,” Cas said with a smile.

Dean knew he was smiling back, and that it was probably dopey as hell, but he couldn’t seem to stop his face from reacting to Cas’s presence. “Heya, Cas. I started to come over earlier, but I didn’t wanna interrupt you and Bal.” He was feeling the effects of the champagne now, for sure.

“You should’ve. He’s on some new project at work and he was boring me to tears,” Cas said with a mock shudder.

“I don’t know,” Dean said before he could stop himself. “Looked like you were having a pretty good time earlier with him and my mom.”

Cas smiled. “Your mother is hilarious. Bal was mostly trying to put on a show because he saw Fergus McCreepy—” Cas stopped and looked around to make sure they weren’t overheard. “—watching me.”

“Who?” Dean asked.

“Round face, British accent? I think I saw you talking to him earlier.”

Dean’s mood soured again. “Oh. Him. Yeah, he told me you and Bal were back together. Congratulations.” He knew he didn’t sound remotely happy for his friend, but he was too full of champagne to care much.

Cas barked a laugh. “Try not to sound so sincere, Dean. Anyway, we’re not. We just said that to get Fergus to stop creeping on me. He wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

Dean felt relief and something like joy sweep through him. He changed the subject and they kept talking. Before long, talking became laughing together about old times. Dean was getting fuzzy on the details and having trouble following the conversation, but he was enjoying watching Cas laugh. For him this time and definitely not Balthazar.

They must have been talking longer than he’d realized because suddenly he heard people shouting a countdown. He looked over and Cas was watching the proceedings with bright eyes and excitement. He looked happy and Dean wished for a second he were the photographer.

Instead of a photograph, Dean took a kiss. When the clock struck midnight, Dean pulled Cas to him and kissed him for all he was worth. He wanted to stay in it forever, but there were really annoying hands pushing against his chest. He pulled away and stared into confused blue eyes that had a line forming between them.

“Dean?” Cas asked, his voice so quiet and their faces still so close almost Dean felt rather than heard it.

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have—” Dean mumbled, but his brother came to the rescue.

“Hey, there! Looks like maybe Dean’s had a little too much to drink. Cas, you think you could drive him home? I’d say he could crash here, but I think Dad’s already crashed in his old room and I don’t think the couch is gonna be free for a while yet.”

“Um, yes, I can do that... Oh, Gabriel, though, he’ll need a way home,” Cas said, still looking confused to Dean’s eyes.

“Don’t worry. Take Dean home in the Impala, leave your car for Gabe. I can give him the keys and let him know you had to leave,” Sam said.

“Yes, all right. Dean? Is that okay with you?” Cas asked.

Dean nodded, starting to zone out a little bit. He wasn’t sure what was happening. Had he kissed Cas? He thought so, but time was all funny.

“Okay, Dean, don’t worry. Cas is gonna take really good care of you, all right?” Sam said.

“He always does,” Dean said, closing his eyes and smiling. He felt arms wrap around him and he wasn’t sure why.

“Whoa!” Sam said.

At the same time, Cas said in his ear, “Try not to fall down, please? I don’t think I can lift you.”

“Hey, you guys leaving?” Dean opened his eyes at his mother’s voice.

He smiled broadly at her. “Hey, mom,” he said. “You’re the best.”

Her laugh was musical and made him feel protected. “And you are the drunkest.”

“I’m taking him home,” Cas told her.

“Good. You’re in safe hands, Dean. You behave, all right?” She leaned close and kissed his forehead, his face in her hands. “I love you, sweet boy.”

“Sweet joy,” Dean mumbled, turning his head into Cas’s neck.

He heard them talking some more, but words were becoming more than he could handle. There was some swaying and then he was falling—but only into the seat of his car. He was on the wrong side, but that was okay. He was too tired to drive, anyway. Maybe he’d just sleep.

“Dean, try to stay awake, all right?” Cas said from the driver’s seat.

Dean sat up a little, realizing the car was moving. He watched Cas drive for a minute, a smile making its way across his face. He reached over and brushed a hand down Cas’s arm.

“You look so good driving my car.” Then Dean remembered Cas had been planning to buy it and now he wouldn’t be doing that. “Not going to be selling it anymore, though. I’m so sorry, Cas.” By the time he said it, he was no longer sure what he was apologizing for, but he knew he needed to for something.

“No, Dean, I’m sorry. I know how important... never mind. You’re too drunk to have this conversation. You probably won’t even remember it,” Cas said, smiling at him fondly.

“Will too,” Dean protested, as he started to drift off again.

The next thing he knew, Cas was trying to get him out of the car. “Please, Dean, I need your help here. I can’t leave you in the car, but I can’t lift you, either.”

“Sure, Cas, whatever you need,” Dean mumbled, struggling to lift himself from the car.

He stumbled into Cas when he finally got out, wrapping his hands around Cas’s waist for support. He grinned at Cas when he felt how close they were.

“Hello, sailor,” he said.

Cas sighed in his ear as he turned him around with more force than Dean thought was necessary—but he kinda liked it.

“You’re sexy when you’re bossy,” Dean said, nuzzling Cas’s hair.

“Oh, God, can we please just get inside?” Cas sounded sad and Dean wanted to make him happy.

“Anything you want, Cas,” he said sincerely as he did his best to find the door.

“Don’t I wish,” he thought he heard Cas mumble in reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who loves drunk, handsy Dean? Raise your hands. ♥


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Life’s short, man. Don’t try to logic love.”
> 
> Dean snorted. “Wow, my nerdy little brother’s a romantic. All right. Thanks.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! The finale at last!  
> With Smut!  
> And Fluff!  
> 

Cas didn’t understand quite what was happening. First Dean had kissed him and, now that Cas had gotten him home, Dean was being handsy and flirtatious and it was really just too much. Thought the kiss had been unexpected and all too brief, it had been so familiar still that Cas ached with it. When he heard Dean whisper “My sweet joy” to himself, Cas wondered why the universe was punishing him.

No sooner had Cas gotten them both through the door than Dean had him shoved against it and was trying to kiss him again. Cas wanted more than anything to let him. Then Dean’s fingers caressed his ear and Cas was distracted enough that Dean managed to cross the space between them and press his lips against Cas’s.

Dean’s lips were hot and plump on Cas’s own. It was so, so familiar, but it felt even better than Cas remembered. Dean’s mouth moved in the perfect rhythm, at the perfect speed and when his tongue slipped forward, Cas’s was already sliding out to meet it.

Cas knew he should stop. Dean was engaged to someone else and he was too drunk to think straight, but, heaven help him, Dean still knew just how to kiss him. It was a little sloppier than normal and it tasted like stale champagne, but Cas couldn’t hold back the little sound of pleasure it drew from him. Dean moaned back in response and pressed him harder into the door.

When the knob caught him in the back, it helped return Cas to his senses. He pushed Dean backward and managed to hold him there until his eyes flickered open. He looked so adorably confused that Cas wanted to just kiss him again, but he held firm.

“Dean, we can’t do this. You live here with Lisa. You’re engaged. I can’t—”

“We broke up,” Dean said, leaning forward again and looking relieved. “At the beginning of the week. She’s already moved out.”

Cas was so shocked that his arms went lax and Dean was able to bridge the distance again. Cas turned his head at the last second, but Dean just started kissing his neck instead.

“Why,” he gasped out. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”

His heart was thundering in his chest. It was too good to be true. He didn’t think Dean had changed so much that he would lie to get him into bed, but he wasn’t certain. What Dean was doing with his tongue and teeth was more than a little detrimental to his thinking, however. He got so lost in the sensations for a moment that when Dean answered him it came as a surprise. He’d forgotten asking a question.

“I don’t know. It looked like maybe you and Balthazar were back together. And I wasn’t sure until I saw you tonight what I felt about you. And... I don’t know, Cas. ‘Cause I’m an idiot, maybe.”

Cas let Dean kiss him on the mouth again then. His hands were starting to roam too and Cas didn’t intervene for the time being. It just felt so good and he’d wanted it for so long.

“Dean,” he panted when he could get his mouth free again. “Dean, we need to stop. You’re too drunk for this. I don’t want this to happen when you’re not one hundred percent with me. Please?”

Dean groaned. “Why you gotta be so... fucking... sensible, huh?” Dean carded his fingers through Cas’s hair and gently massaged his scalp. “Feels so good to be close to you again, Cas. Missed you so much.”

Cas closed his eyes and tried to will back the tears that were threatening behind his eyes. “It does,” he said, almost choking on the admission. “I missed you too, Dean.”

Then Dean leaned back suddenly and when Cas opened his eyes those green orbs were laser-focused on his own. “Am I like a ghost that won’t leave you alone, though? Should I leave you alone, Cas?”

Cas made a face and shook his head. “What are you talking about?”

“The photo. The one in my mom’s office. I saw it tonight. Looks like you think I’m haunting you and won’t leave you in peace or something. Should I move into the light, Cas?” Dean asked, his face pensive.

“No, Dean, no, that wasn’t... You weren’t meant to see it. For me, it meant... well, I thought that a double exposure photograph was the only way I’d ever get to have you hold me again,” he said quietly.

Dean’s kiss was not sloppy this time. It wasn’t sexual, either. It was firm and strong and almost desperate. “I didn’t break up with her for you, Cas.”

Cas was thrown for a moment by the seeming non sequitur. “Oh, okay,” he stammered. “That’s good, then.”

“I mean,” Dean said, leaning back and giving Cas some much needed breathing room. “I think I’ve been having feelings for you since we met up again because she and I were already kind of over by then.”

For Cas, that still didn’t clarify much of anything. He assumed Dean’s inebriated brain was making connections that he himself was not. “Dean, you’re not making a whole lot of sense right now. How about if I leave and we talk about this tomorrow.”

“No! Stay,” Dean said and he was practically whining. “We don’t even have to do anything, I promise,” he said, pressing against Cas and kissing his jaw again. “Just maybe some more kissing till I fall asleep.” He nipped at Cas’s ear. “I prolly can’t even get it up right now, anyway, with all I drank tonight.”

“The rather unmistakable erection you’re pressing into my thigh would argue otherwise, Dean,” Cas said in a flat voice. Then, as Dean pressed a soft, chaste kiss to his temple, Cas relented. “Fine. I’ll stay. But hands off,” he said, firmly pressing Dean off of him.

Dean pouted, but dutifully backed up. “Fine. Big baby. Let’s go.” He grabbed Cas’s hand and practically dragged him to the bedroom upstairs. He seemed to sense Cas’s hesitation when they walked toward the bed. “Don’t worry. Brand new mattress. Bought it yesterday.”

It turned out to be memory foam and Cas found himself drifting off much more quickly than he expected. This was despite the fact that Dean had insisted on lying facing each other the way they had when they were younger—and on holding hands.

He woke up in the middle of the night and wasn’t sure why. He hadn’t yet opened his eyes when he felt a finger gently tracing the contours of his face. It made his heart thunder in his chest, but he was still feeling too vulnerable to be just let himself enjoy the touch.

“Are you going to be done mapping the blind man’s view of my face anytime soon or should I just give up on sleeping?” he asked in a voice that might have been more commanding if it hadn’t been half muffled by a pillow.

The finger on his face instantly stilled and then withdrew. “Sorry. Just wanted to check that you were really here.” Dean voice was small and quiet and Cas felt like an asshole, even as warmth spread through his chest.

Cas grabbed Dean’s hand and pulled it to where his T-shirt pocket covered his heart. Then he reached out and traced Dean’s face with two fingers. “I’m here. And you’re here.”

“Can I kiss you again now that I’m sober?” Dean asked in a quiet voice.

Cas wanted that, even more than he wanted sleep. Yet he knew they shouldn’t do any of this until they had talked. Before he could answer, Dean was pulling away.

“Gonna pee and brush my teeth. You can decide by the time I get back,” he said as he padded toward the en suite. “There’s Listerine strips in that drawer if you want one,” he called over his shoulder.

Cas considered the situation. They really needed to talk about everything. Lisa, the break up, what any of this meant. But it was late. And Cas had had an emotional roller coaster of a week. And right now, he just wanted to take what he’d been wanting for so long. Surely explanations could wait another few hours? Surely he could have one kiss? He took a Listerine strip.

When Dean came back in the room, Cas was sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting. He held out his hands for Dean to take and gently pulled him forward. Dean came willingly and took Cas’s face in his hands. There was nothing sloppy or alcohol-tinged about Dean’s kiss this time. He took his time, sipping at Cas as though he were fine wine, to be savored.

Their mouths parted in unison and their tongues caressed each other. The strokes were gentle at first, but soon Cas realized—in the dim part of his brain that was still working—that one kiss would never be enough.

Soon, Cas found himself lying on his back, with Dean pressing full length on top of him. Boxer briefs and T-shirts were the only things separating them now and Dean’s erection was nestled just below Cas’s, putting a sweet pressure on his balls.

Dean started to rock his hips slightly and Cas gasped against Dean’s throat. He tasted the salty skin there, grazing it lightly with his teeth. On instinct, he started mouthing at all the places his body remembered Dean liked. Dean stopped him with another kiss, this one needier than the others.

Dean was tense now, no longer lost in the moment. It was so obvious that it broke through Cas’s own lust-haze and he was about to pull back when Dean lifted up himself. Dean sat up in bed and away from Cas, staring at his hands.

“Cas, don’t... if you’re not going to be here in the morning, don’t do this.” The words clawed at Cas’s chest and stole his breath. “Or if, like, this is just a sexual thing for you. I don’t... I can’t go through that again. Holding back during sex and then waking up to find you gone. I can’t.”

The emotion in Dean’s voice was so raw, it made Cas want to hold him and rock him and promise him everything would be okay. He’d had no idea how hard their last sexual encounter had been on Dean. He knew it couldn’t have been good, and his own experience was horrible, but he didn’t know it had hurt Dean that badly.

“Dean, I’m not going anywhere,” he said. He wasn’t sure if his instinctive response was brave or stupid—or if it was really the time for either one—but the words were out before he could stop them. Then again... “I drove us here in your car, for one thing,” he said with a smile. “I was actually a little worried that this was a drunken rebound.”

“It’s not, Cas,” Dean said. “I’ve wanted this for a while,” he confessed, still looking at his hands. “The past few weeks has been really confusing.”

“Sounds like it. And I don’t know if this will make it better or worse, but—” He took a deep breath before launching into his own confession, tired of hiding his feelings. “I made that photograph because I realized that I’m in love with you. Again or maybe still, I don’t know. And maybe you aren’t ready for that yet, but if you’re not, I’ll wait.” He took Dean’s hand. “If you’re single again, and you want me too, then there is nothing else that I can see keeping us apart, once you’re ready. And I don’t want to waste another second.”

Dean was back on top of him before he finished forming the last word, pressing him back into the mattress and kissing him until he saw stars. As before, he slotted his cock against Cas’s and rolled his hips deliciously. Cas, for his part, rocked up into him with just as much want and need.

They were pawing at each other, kisses getting messier and less structured by the moment, when Dean froze and then went limp. His face was buried in the crook of Cas’s shoulder and Cas could feel as well as hear his ragged breaths.

“Fuck,” he said. The word was short but full of disappointment and a little petulance, Cas thought. “I don’t have anything. Like, I’ve got one condom, I think, but no lube. Fucking none.”

“Something wrong with this?” Cas asked, reaching down to pull both their erections free of their underwear. Cas wrapped his hand around them both and fucked up into his hand and against Dean.

Dean groaned in satisfaction. “Nope, not a thing,” he said, thrusting into Cas’s fist.

He reached blindly into the drawer to grab the—thankfully pre-lubricated—condom and then pulled away and rolled it onto himself. When he was done, Cas grabbed eagerly at his cock again and groaned in satisfaction as they rocked together.

“You should fucking kiss me again, Dean,” Cas growled, pulling Dean’s face to his with his free hand. Dean seemed to find no issue with the request.

It wasn’t perfect, but it was by far the best sex Cas had had in years. Four years, if he was honest. Unlike the last time, there was no holding back, not on either side. He and Dean were both present in the moment, making eye contact and touching everywhere they could reach of each others’ skin.

It didn’t take long. Cas had been wanting this too much for too many weeks—years?—to be able to hold off his orgasm for any length of time. They were kissing when Cas felt his pleasure building toward release.

“Fuck, Dean, I’m so close,” he panted against Dean’s chin. “Come with me. Can you come with me?”

Dean didn’t answer, he just let out a low moan that told Cas he wasn’t far behind. They came within seconds of each other, shouting hoarsely and swearing and lost in the moment. They kissed at the end of it, as their endorphins took them off somewhere for a few seconds and their brains started coming back online.

\-----

When they pulled apart, Cas rolled over onto his back, heavily. Then Dean was bounced around slightly as Cas got himself onto his side and up onto his elbow. Dean mimicked the position and soon they were facing each other. He found himself feeling inexplicably shy, now that it was over. Or maybe vulnerable was a more accurate word.

Cas reached out with his his hand and lightly trailed his fingers from Dean’s shoulder to his hand, then back up. Then he expanded his territory of exploration, bringing out gooseflesh on Dean’s skin with his featherlight touch on some more sensitive areas.

“Never thought I’d get to do this again,” Cas said softly, eyes filled with something Dean wasn’t sure he wanted to name.

There was a painful lump in his throat he tried to swallow down before he reached up and took Cas’s hand in his own. He twined their fingers at the first knuckles and painted swirls on Cas’s palm with the pad of his thumb.

“Neither did I,” he said, staring at their hands. Then he looked up into those too blue eyes and added, “But I never stopped wanting to.” A smile ghosted across his lips as he dropped his gaze again, pulling Cas toward him so that they were cuddling instead of holding hands. “When you walked into the restaurant that night with Balthazar... For just a minute, I forgot Lisa was there. I forgot anything had ever changed. I wanted to stand up and run to you.”

Cas gave a laugh that sounded like it might be trying to turn into a sob instead. “Oh, God, Dean, so did I, you have no idea. You looked so happy to see me and, for just a split second, it was like no time had passed at all.” Dean felt Cas’s lips press down on his collar bone. “It’s been getting steadily harder ever since, not to be with you.”

Dean squeezed Cas tight and kissed the top of his head. “My saving grace,” he whispered. “You’re with me now.”

“My sweet joy,” Cas said, and lifted up to kiss Dean.

There was nothing heated about this kiss, but it was desperate and frantic and messy. It was Cas trying to express his years of longing through touch and without words. Dean recognized it because his own longing had been equal. He knew his return kiss was equally wild and needy.

“I love you, Cas,” he mumbled against Cas’s mouth. “Fuck, I don’t think I ever stopped.” He petted Cas’s hair. “Even when Lisa and I were happy, whenever something reminded me of you... I still felt this pang, you know? And when you sent me that picture of us... did I even tell you that I’d been searching through all my boxes for it?” He let out a small laugh. “You always did seem to read my mind.”

Cas huffed a laugh, but he didn’t argue.

“I was surprised you couldn’t tell how bad I was struggling not to reach out and touch you or... I don’t know. I guess I did try pretty hard to hold on to the thing with Lisa.” He blew out a harsh breath, willing his shoulders to relax again. “I think I was scared. Life with Lisa would have been inferior to life with you, Cas, I know that, but... if I didn’t have you again, I couldn’t lose you again.”

Without his consent or permission, Dean’s body burst into tears. It took him some time to realize that Cas was crying right along with him. They held each other, kissing and stroking one another for their own comfort and for the other person’s.

“I won’t let anything come between us this time, Dean,” Cas said when they were calmer again. “But I meant what I said about allowing you time, if you need it. I’ll be waiting for you when you’re ready.”

Dean mulled it over. As much as he wanted to say no, he didn’t need any time, they should jump right in, he knew that wasn’t really fair to Cas. He needed to make sure his head—and heart—were on straight before they tried to start their relationship again.

Slowly, Dean nodded. “I think you might be right. I think it would be better if I took a little while—not long, but a little while,” he assured Cas. “To get myself right. I want us to have the best chance there is, Cas.”

Cas just smiled and kissed him again. “I’ve waited this long. I can be patient a while longer.”

Dean hugged him close. “I don’t know if I can, but I want to try.”

“We’ll still talk and see each other, right? Just as friends?”

“Yeah, of course. I don’t think Mom is going to let you out of having dinners at her house any time soon and she’ll probably want me there too,” Dean told him, smiling.

“Just so we’re clear, this temporary separation starts _after_ breakfast in the morning, right?” Cas asked, expression fierce.

Dean laughed. “Shut up and go to sleep.” He kissed Cas on the nose and then rolled over.

Cas immediately slotted up against Dean, taking the big spoon position. “I love you,” he whispered into Dean’s ear.

Dean murmured it back and then he could feel Cas’s breathing even out. More relaxed and happy than at any other time in recent memory, he too drifted off to sleep.

\---

When the sunlight woke Cas the next morning, it took him a few moments to parse the input his body was sending to his brain. There was a warm body pressed against his, an erection nestled between the globes of his ass, and a leg shoved between his own. A hand lazily traced circles against his hip and a mouth pressed lazy kisses along the line of his shoulders.

“Dean,” he said hoarsely, when his brain finally supplied the information.

“Mm, that’s me,” Dean whispered as he sucked Cas’s earlobe into his mouth. “Figured I owed you an apology for being such a dick about the water,” he murmured as the hand on Cas’s hip slipped forward and grasped Cas where he wanted it most.

Cas gasped. “I think that’s very generous of you. What did—ah! What did you have in mind?”

Cas had jerked awake not long after they had dozed off, insisting Dean drink a large glass of water. He’d done it to try and spare Dean a hangover headache, but apparently he would be reaping other benefits as well.

Dean rolled his hips forward at the same time he stroked downward with his hand. “Well, if you pass me that lube I found in the bathroom cabinet this morning, I’ll be happy to show you.”

Cas expected to be prepped, but instead, Dean just slicked both of their cocks and then rocked between Cas’s thighs while he stroked Cas’s erection. Occasionally, Dean’s head would catch on Cas’s rim or press against his perineum hard enough to ping his prostate, but the motion of Dean’s hand, the sound of his breath in Cas’s ear, and the feeling of his whole body touching Cas’s was enough. It reminded him of the way things used to be when they were teenagers, still learning all the ways their bodies could work together.

It didn’t take either of them long. Afterward, Dean bundled the sheets up for the wash and then they both made their way into the bathroom for a shower. Under the warm spray, they shared round three—blowjobs this time—and then quickly finished washing up.

By the time they got dressed—Cas in borrowed clothes—and before they could discuss breakfast or what happened next, Dean’s cellphone was ringing.

“Hey, Mom,” Dean greeted warmly as he shoved one foot into a boot. He paused in tying the laces as he listened to her talk. “Oh, actually, I was going to have breakfast with Cas... yeah, it’s just...”

As Cas busied himself with his own shoes, anxiety began to creep in for the first time. What if Dean took some time away and realized too much time had passed? What if he decided he didn’t want Cas, after all? Cas didn’t think that was the case, but life had been too long not on his side for Cas not to worry. He spared a glance at Dean and realized those green eyes were trained on him, concern in them.

“Well, let me ask him, okay?” Dean tucked the phone against his chest. “Mom’s inviting us both for breakfast. We can say no. Or we can just talk after.”

Before Cas could form a reply, Dean pulled the phone back up to his ear when a noise was heard on the other end. “What?” Dean blushed and mouthed, “Fuck,” with his eyes closed. “Um, he’s here because, um, he, uh—”

Cas grabbed the phone. “Hi, Mary. I stayed after I made sure Dean got home safely, since I was so tired. I’m not sure he actually remembers much about that part, to be honest,” he said with a small smile at Dean to show he was just teasing.

“He was pretty soused, wasn’t he? Lightweight,” she teased. “Listen, come for breakfast, all right? Both of you. I wanna see my boys.”

Cas’s smile was fond. “The boys you just saw last night?”

“Cas Winchester, are you sassing me?” Mary asked sternly, though Cas knew it was in jest.

“I wouldn’t dream of it. We’ll be over in a few minutes,” he said.

“Good,” she said approvingly. “Love you. Tell Dean for me too.”

Before Cas could respond, the line went dead.

“Mary loves you,” he said as he handed Dean back the phone. “And she wants us for breakfast because she wants to see her boys, apparently.”

Dean snorted and shook his head. “Guess I should’ve known there wasn’t any other choice.”

Cas seemed unable to stop the smile on his face as he finished putting on his second shoe.

“You got a thing for my mom, Cas?” Dean joked as he picked up his keys and wallet to shove in his pockets.

“She called me Cas Winchester,” he said quietly. “Been a while since she’s done that.” Tears pricked his ears, but he blinked them back. “I liked it, that’s all.”

Dean reached out and brushed a thumb across Cas’s cheekbone, staring into Cas’s eyes. Dean pulled Cas forward into a gentle kiss.

“I like it too.”

Cas turned their small kiss into a hug that lingered. “I love you so much, Dean. Tell me we’re gonna make this work.”

“I love you and we are. We will. Not letting you go again, all right?”

Cas nodded. “We’d better go, huh? Don’t want to keep your mom waiting.”

Dean pulled away with a snort. “Suck up!” he called as he strode out of the room.

Cas chuckled and followed close behind.

Once in the car, Cas felt his nerves abating. Riding in the Impala had always been soothing for him. He’d always felt so proud to be allowed shotgun. He was still in shock that he’d been able to drive her now. He laughed to himself at his use of the female pronoun.

“Tell yourself a joke you never heard before?” Dean asked with a smirk.

“Sort of,” Cas said. “I called the Impala a ‘her’ in my head. I think that qualifies, don’t you?”

“Hey, watch what you say about my Baby, now,” Dean said.

“Your deep-seated attachment came back awfully fast. Are you the same Dean who let me drive a while back?” Cas teased.

“Ah, but I get to keep her now, you’re forgetting.” Dean’s face grew serious and he glanced at Cas, taking his hand. “I can afford to be attached when I know I don’t have to let go.”

Cas squeezed back and he didn’t let go or stop smiling all the way to Mary’s house. Dean’s smile stayed in place too.

Mary was waiting for them on the porch when they drove up, waving and smiling broadly.

“You think she’s gonna know as soon as we walk in the door?” Dean asked.

Cas snorted. “You really think it’s gonna take her _that_ long?”

They shared another smile and got out of the car together. Cas hung back slightly to allow Dean time to greet and hug his mother. Then she was motioning him forward impatiently to join the hug. As her arm snaked around him and Dean’s wrapped around just above it, Cas felt the strongest sense of rightness, of contentment, that he had felt in a long time. Maybe since John Winchester’s accident.

Finally, Mary let them loose and ushered them into the house. Within moments, they were in the kitchen and Cas had a hot cup of coffee in his hand, made just the way he liked it. Mary made the two of them sit as she brought over skillets of hot food to ladle it onto their plates, as well as a bowl of fresh fruit. By the time she was done, Cas had scrambled eggs, spinach, bacon and potato hash, and a large pile of fresh, ripe strawberries on his plate.

“This looks incredible, Mary.”

“Smells great, Mom. You didn’t have to go to all this trouble.”

Mary scoffed as she sat down across from Cas and next to Dean. “Please, like it’s trouble feeding my babies. Now hush and let’s eat!”

For the next few minutes, they busied themselves with obeying her instruction, but then she set her fork down and got up to refill their coffee. Cas suspected that their interrogation was about to begin. Strangely, he didn’t feel all that worried about it. He’d known for some time how Mary felt about he and Dean together, after all.

“All right,” Mary said, sitting back down. “So tell me what happened last night after you two shared a four alarm kiss and Cas had to drive you home, Dean.”

Dean carefully chewed and swallowed the bite in his mouth, then wiped his lips with a napkin. He glanced at Cas and squared his shoulders.

“We went to Vegas and got married,” Dean said, solemnly. At her confused frown, he said, “What exactly do you wanna know? I was drunk, Mom. Cas and I had years of sexual tension banked up. You really want the details?”

“Dean Winchester, do not think because you are six feet tall and cute as a bug that I will not turn you over my knee and spank you till you cry.”

“Mary,” Cas interrupted. “I think I know what it is you’re asking. The answer is, Dean and I had a long talk. We both expressed how we feel.”

Mary’s face lit up and she grabbed Dean’s hand. “So you’re together?” she asked excitedly.

Dean glanced at Cas again before he said, “Not exactly. Not yet. But we will be.”

Her face fell and she looked confused. “What?”

“I just broke off a pretty serious relationship. I’m gonna take a few weeks to get my head all sorted out, and then me and Cas are going to give it a shot.”

Mary glared at him and picked up his plate, taking it away and putting it on the counter.

“Hey, I wasn’t finished!” Dean protested.

“You can have your breakfast back when you stop being an idiot. You’ve been in love with this boy since you were sixteen years old, Dean. What’s to figure out?”

“Yeah, I have, so I wanna make sure we have the best chance at that. What are you taking my breakfast for, anyway? It was Cas’s idea!”

Cas wanted to kick Dean for his betrayal, but it was likely Cas would have done the same, under Mary’s scrutiny.

She turned her glare on him then, walking over to grab his plate too. “I thought you had better sense, Cas, I really did.”

“ _Mary_ ,” he pleaded. “You know this is better. Don’t you want us to—”

“Dean,” Mary said, ignoring him. “You said you realized you weren’t in love with Lisa anymore, right? That you hadn’t been in a long time.”

“Yeah, but—”

“So you’re not grieving. You and Lisa were basically roommates... or maybe friends with benefits is more accurate, but still. If you had a roommate, or even a fuck buddy—”

“Mom!” Dean said, blushing, but she ignored him.

“—you wouldn’t think twice about walking straight from them to Cas, would you?”

“No, but—” Dean said, at the same time Cas said, “Mary—”

“Cas, what’s he gonna learn about himself in the next two or three weeks he doesn’t know already?”

The question gave Cas pause. He honestly didn’t know. He had just felt as though Dean should take some time in between relationships. To be alone. He decided that was his answer.

“I don’t know. I think he should have some time to himself. Time alone to—”

“Time alone? Time alone. What do you think the two of you have had for the past however many years since you left for college, Cas?”

Evidently, Dean was starting to see things Mary’s way because he was staring at Cas now, a questioning look on his face. Cas stared back, feeling helpless. He didn’t _want_ to be apart from Dean. He just thought they should be.

“Don’t you think you two have wasted enough time?”

Cas sighed. “Mary. I don’t know why you’re refusing to see reason here. I’m not telling him to go on a safari in Africa. I just want him to take a week or three. Think things over. Make his peace with what happened between him and Lisa. Is that really so illogical to you?”

Mary continued to glare at him for a moment before she sighed and closed her eyes. “No,” she said, wiping a hand over her forehead. “No, it makes perfect sense.” She got up and brought their plates back. “I guess I got so excited by the idea of you two finally back together.”

He and Dean glanced at each other and then reached out to take one of Mary’s hands in each of theirs.

“So are we, Mom,” Dean said.

Cas nodded. “We really are.”

She smiled then and got up to hug them again.

\----

That afternoon, as he stood in the middle of his empty living room, Dean wasn’t quite sure why he’d argued with his mom on the issue. Looking around, he wasn’t seeing Lisa everywhere. He was seeing Cas. Cas had only been in the house a handful of times, but Dean thought he fit there in a way that Lisa hadn’t. Certainly, Cas had left a lasting impression.

Dean caught sight of the Impala collage and smiled. He could easily imagine Cas’s photographs hung all over the house. When they were young and convinced their future was together, he’d seen it then too. He hadn’t known what their house would look like, but he’d always imagined their walls lined with Cas’s pictures.

With a pang, he realized, he didn’t want to wait a week or three. He didn’t want to wait a minute or three. He wanted to be with Cas again. Officially and without question.

Still, he knew he might need a second opinion, so he grabbed his phone and called Sam.

“Hey,” Sam said, sounding a little breathless. “How’s—what’s, uh, up?”

Dean narrowed his eyes. “Not much. Just looking for a little advice. What’s up with you?”

“Me? Oh, not, you know, much,” Sam said hurriedly. There was the sound of a door closing as Sam stepped into a new room. “What kind of advice?”

“Sam.”

Sam blew out a breath. “I spent the night with Cas’s brother.”

Dean thought his eyes might be in danger of leaving his head. “You... like, _spent the night_ , spent the night? Seriously?”

“Yes, Dean, seriously. I think my crush on Cas should have made it obvious that I’m not entirely straight.”

Dean laughed. “Dude, I’m not judging you for pete’s sake. I’m just asking.” He cleared his throat. “And anyway, um, I kinda spent the night with Gabriel’s brother, so....”

“What?!” Sam exclaimed. Then he whooped. “Hell yeah, man! That’s awesome. You two belong together.”

“Well, that’s actually kinda what I wanted to talk about.”

“Okay?” Sam asked in confusion.

“Cas thinks I should take some time to deal with the whole end of the Lisa engagement thing.”

“Hm. What do _you_ think you should do?”

“I think,” Dean said, sliding a hand across his jaw. “I think that I just want to finally be with Cas. I don’t want to wait for some theoretical day in the future. I don’t think I need to wait.”

“Then I think that’s your answer,” Sam said.

“You don’t think I’ll regret it later?”

“Maybe. Or maybe you’ll end up regretting wasting time you could’ve spent with Cas. Life’s short, man. Don’t try to logic love.”

Dean snorted. “Wow, my nerdy little brother’s a romantic. All right. Thanks.” He cleared his throat again. “And, uh, good luck with... you know, whatever you got going with Gabe.”

\-----

Cas was already regretting his decision to give Dean space by the time he’d been home ten minutes.

It wasn’t solely because he walked in on his brother and Dean’s doing unspeakable things in his guest bedroom, but that certainly didn’t help his peace of mind. Sam turned a shade of red most commonly associated with a second degree sunburn and Gabriel refused to stop smirking, as smug as if he’d learned the secret for turning lead into gold.

“Sorry your night didn’t go as well as mine, Cassie,” Gabe said with a pop of his eyebrows, once Sam had left.

“As a matter of fact,” Cas said crisply as he flipped through CDs and looked for something that might soothe him. “My night and my morning went every bit as well as yours. Probably better, frankly,” he added, looking up. “At least, up until the scarring trauma of seeing my only brother naked and impaled on my childhood friend’s frighteningly large penis.”

Gabriel finally looked slightly guilty at that, but his smirk didn’t falter. “Sorry. Didn’t expect you back so early.”

“Gabe, it’s one-thirty.” He and Dean had spent so long talking with Mary they’d ended up just staying for lunch too.

His brother shrugged. “Whatever. I’m gonna take off. You’re crabby when you catch me inflagrante with hot boys.”

“Please stop talking,” Cas pleaded.

Thankfully, Gabriel left quietly after that and Cas had some time alone. Unfortunately, that just left him more full or regret than ever. He could be having a nice day off with Dean. More over, with naked, affectionate Dean, covering all that freckled skin in all the kisses and touches Cas had missed since freshman year of college. The night before his father’s funeral hardly counted.

When the knock came at the door, he set his scowl firmly in place, more than ready to give Gabriel a lecture. As he jerked open the door, however, he quickly realized his brother was not on the other side of it.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean said.

“Dean,” Cas whispered. He wasn’t sure why, but the moment felt important.

“So, um, turns out my mom was right. I don’t wanna wait. I just wanna be with you.”

“But—I... we decided....” Cas trailed off lamely, not having any effective argument at hand.

“Yeah. Thing is, I went back to my empty house and I realized it doesn’t feel that way because Lisa left.” Dean stepped closer. “It feels that way because you’re not in it yet.”

“Dean, what are you saying?” Cas managed to gasp out, his knees feeling as if they might stop supporting his weight at any second and his heart trying to beat out of his chest.

Dean slid his hand across Cas’s jaw and stepped even closer. “I’m saying, you’re it for me, Cas. I don’t want to take any time to think about it because I already know. I don’t need to date you for a while to make sure. It’s always been you. I tried for years to pretend it wasn’t, but it never took.”

Cas reached up instinctively and curled his hands in Dean’s shirt as he was pulled forward into a kiss that left him dizzy.

“Move in with me, Cas. Let’s stop wasting time and instead start catching up on the time we missed.”

“Yes,” Cas said, without hesitation.

Dean grinned, eyes shiny and bright. “And then, you know, maybe marry me and adopt my babies.”

Cas grinned back. “Maybe one life-altering decision at a time.” He kissed Dean again. “But still yes,” he whispered as he pulled away.

Dean looked like he was torn between laughing and crying, so instead he hugged Cas tightly and whispered, “My saving grace. Fuck, I love you.”

“My sweet joy,” Cas whispered back. “Love you too.”

Dean laughed, even as a single tear escaped his eyes. “Mom’s gonna be so fucking smug.”

“True. Maybe we should wait to tell her?” Cas suggested, hands moving up Dean’s torso with intent as he pulled him inside and closed the door. “I mean, if I’m going to be moving out, I think we should at least christen a few of the rooms before I go, don’t you?”

“How about in the studio?” Dean said, blushing furiously in a way that told Cas he meant with the camera rolling.

Cas grinned. “Yes! But later. First, let’s start with my bedroom.”

“Sticking with the classics, I like it,” Dean said huskily.

Once they had made their way to Cas’s room, Cas went into the en suite to grab a towel to speed clean up afterward. When he returned, Dean had a frame in his hands. _The_ frame.

When Dean looked up, he was smiling. He set the picture back down and walked over to kiss Cas like their lives depended on it. 

Maybe their lives didn't, but Cas was pretty sure their happiness did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bless you for reading and for the 80 bajillion comments I hope to have by now. Also, did I mention:   
> [My author blog.](http://jamiedeanwrites.tumblr.com)  
> [My fandom blog.](http://iwannaliveindeansdimples.tumblr.com)  
> [My fics.](http://archiveofourown.org/users/wannaliveindeansdimples/profile)  
> My love ♥♥♥? ♥

**Author's Note:**

> [My author blog.](http://jamiedeanwrites.tumblr.com)  
> [My fandom blog.](http://iwannaliveindeansdimples.tumblr.com)  
> [My fics.](http://archiveofourown.org/users/wannaliveindeansdimples/profile)  
>  My love ♥♥♥


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